


Serpentine

by AWammysHouseDropout



Series: The Ninja World's Dirty Little Secrets [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Abuse of Authority, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Smut, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexuality, Bloodplay, Body Worship, Depression, Drug Addiction, Dubious Consent, Dubious Morality, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Femdom, Flashbacks, Gaslighting, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Internalized Homophobia, Isolation, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Past Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rough Sex, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sleep Deprivation, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, dubcon, everyone is bi, orotsuna
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-05-01 11:44:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 20
Words: 54,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14519817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AWammysHouseDropout/pseuds/AWammysHouseDropout
Summary: Lies and secrets are the most insidious sort of poison. By the time you realize you're infected, it's too late to save yourself.





	1. An Unexpected Visit

**Author's Note:**

> Migrating this fic over from fanfiction.net, and reworking it in the process. Please heed the tags, and enjoy!
> 
> Before we begin:  
> This story is all over the place in terms of timeline. Jumps in the timeline will be denoted with a "~oOo~" symbol. A horizontal line represents a jump within the current timeline.

"If I'd known you were coming, I would have made tea."

Tsunade ignores Orochimaru's sly smirk, and the smug note in his silky voice. She glares at the scattered books and papers on the table beside him, so she doesn't have to look at those gold, piercing eyes.

If he's surprised to see her, he gives no indication.

(He's just as devastatingly handsome as she remembers him. Even clad in nothing but a purple silk yukata and his dark hair held back by a rather dangerously sharp hairpin, he managed to make Tsunade feel distinctly plain and under-dressed by comparison.)

Orochimaru sets down the beaten leather book he's holding and brushes aside a few pages of handwritten notes, sitting himself on the table and regarding her with a vaguely amused sort of look.

"Mind telling me how you found me, Tsunade-hime?" He asks, idly reaching a hand up to play with a loose lock of his silky black hair, twirling it deftly around his thin fingers. "I'm curious."

Tsunade huffs, crossing her arms and glaring at the wall behind him.

"I have resources." Is all she says, still not daring to look directly at him. Even so, she can feel his smirk turn into a disappointed frown.

"Why bother, though?" He asks, a softer tone to his voice now.

"Why did you save my life during the war?!" Tsunade snaps back, balling her hands into fists, her face growing hot as her emotions rise.

"Because I wanted to."

Tsunade growls.

"You fucking expect me to believe that?"

"Well- yes, actually."

Tsunade finally forces herself to look at him straight-on.

He looks...hurt?

"Do you think I would have let you die when I had the power to prevent it?"

The look Tsunade gives him could have frozen water in August.

"I do." She spits.

Orochimaru's hand stops twirling.

"...I suppose I shouldn't be surprised." He mumbles. "You're cold, Tsunade-hime."

"Damn right you shouldn't be." Tsunade hisses. "After the shit you've done you expected me to think you'd fucking save my life just because you _wanted t_ o?! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"I'd think asking what's _right_ with me might be a better place to start, all things considered." Orochimaru retorts, regaining his haughty composure. "But tell me, Tsunade-hime- why did you go to all this trouble of tracking me down? Surely it would have been better to enjoy your retirement and leave well enough alone?"

Tsunade falters, biting her bottom lip to keep her emotions contained.

"...Because you're alive."

"So what? Surely it makes little difference to you?"

There's a certain curiosity in Orochimaru's gaze now, gold eyes intently fixed on the woman in front of him.

(Certainly she was as beautiful as she'd always been. Her sunkissed skin still looked so inviting, her red painted lips so painfully kissable.

Just like he remembered her.)

"I thought you died." Tsunade says weakly, trying to keep her voice from trembling. "Everyone thought you'd died. I thought I was alone- but you're here...I didn't believe it…"

_Damn it, woman! Keep it together! No way in hell are you going to cry in front of this jackass!_

Orochimaru laughs, but there's no mirth in it. It's a low, mournful sort of sound that pierces her heart. He slides off the desk and strides past Tsunade to the door.

"If you don't mind following me, I'll make us some coffee- you still like coffee, don't you?"

Tsunade hesitates for a moment.

"...Yeah." She finally answers.

"Wonderful."

She trails a few steps behind him through the gloomy place in which he lived. There's nary another soul in sight, and the poor lighting makes everything cast a long, eerie shadow.

Orochimaru lets out a longing little sigh that pulls her out of her thoughts.

"It's been so very quiet here since Kabuto-kun left," he says a bit wistfully. "Though I suppose it's for the best- I hear he's doing very well for himself these days."

"He is. I think he's working in the orphanage now."

Orochimaru gestures for her to sit at the table while he puts the coffee pot on to heat up.

"I'm glad to hear it. That sort of job suits him well, I think. Kabuto-kun is a good boy."

"No thanks to you.'"

"I never claimed to be a good influence." Orochimaru tsks at her. "Though I do think I did a better job with him than the old badger."

Tsunade can't argue with that. She watches him while he goes about making the coffee, not feeling like talking at the moment. Orochimaru still has that same easy grace to his movements- just like the snakes he was so fond of. But there's a weariness to it now, a tiredness that hadn't been there when they were younger- As if his limbs had heavy weights strapped to them.

"It seems I've gotten rather lonely lately," Orochimaru says softly, pausing briefly to brush that stray lock away from his face once again. "Karin-chan went off gallivanting with Sasuke-kun, and heaven knows where Juugo-kun and Suigetsu-kun are half the time. Most days it's just me here."

(He talks like a father pining after his children after they're grown and fled the nest. It's almost comical.)

"I suppose I miss having young faces around here sometimes. Maybe I'm just going soft."

"Somehow I doubt that."

Orochimaru ignores her, and doesn't say more until the coffee is done and on the table.

"Kanpai," he offers, raising his mug in her direction.

Tsunade watches him closely as she takes a sip of her coffee. It doesn't seem to be tainted with anything, so it shouldn't do any harm to drink it.

"So did you come to gloat about my loneliness?" He asks. "Surely you didn't track me down just to make small talk."

Tsunade grips her mug of coffee tightly.

"...I've been lonely too." she admits sheepishly.

"Oh?"

She scratches at her blonde hair to try and vent some anxiety, painted nails digging into her scalp.

"...I didn't feel it so badly when I was Hokage," she continues. "There was just so much to deal with all at once- I didn't have to think about it. But after...after the war- it's all I can think about. I can't focus on anything anymore."

"Surely you could find someone better to share this with than me, though?" Orochimaru asks, quirking an eyebrow as he sips his own cup delicately.

"There isn't anybody else!" Tsunade snaps. "Jiraiya is dead, and you killed Sarutobi-sensei!"

The man flinches, tensing up as if the very memory was painful.

"...Do your old vices not comfort you anymore?" He asks, after an agonizing pause.

"Do yours?"

Another of those weary little smiles.

"They never did."

Tsunade finds herself growling again.

"Do you want me to feel sorry for you?" She asks, finding it her turn to smirk at him.

"Nothing like that," Orochimaru assures her, with a wave of his hand. "I don't deserve that much from you. It's more than I deserve that you're here to see me at all."

Tsunade grits her teeth, unsure how she wants to respond. Orochimaru regards her with a curious expression- much like a child would observe a stray kitten.

It's infuriating.

"I'm glad you're here, Tsunade-hime."

The sincerity in his voice catches her off-guard.

"Stop calling me that!" Tsunade snaps, banging her fist on the mahogany table.. "We aren't children anymore!"

A light chuckle.

"Forgive me."

An annoyed huff, and another bout of scratching at her scalp for a brief distraction.

"Tsunade."

His serious tone startles her.

"Tell me. What happened to Jiraiya?"

Tsunade sighs heavily, staring at the dregs in the bottom of her coffee cup.

"He was probing into Akatsuki," she explains, blinking back tears. "He'd gone to Ame looking to confront their leader. As it turns out- the leader of Akatsuki was one of those orphans he'd taken in and trained forever ago. He's the one who killed Jiraiya."

She glances back up at Orochimaru. His face is blank, so it's hard to tell how he's feeling right now.

"I hate to say it-" Tsunade continues, shaking her head, "But you were right about them."

"Hm?"

Her hands curl back up into fists, nails biting into her palms.

"We should have killed those brats back then."

Orochimaru seems to be surprised by this.

Tsunade runs her hands through her hair.

"I know, I know. I'm horrible. I wish I could go back and kill a few kids so Jiraiya can still be around. It's awful."

Orochimaru pulls a face.

"I wouldn't say it's horrible. It's a perfectly human reaction, isn't it? To want the people we care about to still be with us- who wouldn't want that?"

"Yeah. But when it's _you_ saying it-"

Tsunade says it with a wry smile, almost laughing. Orochimaru rests his chin on the heel of his hand, smiling that smile of his that was once upon a time so enchanting; that ever-so-slightly lopsided smile that bore one of his abnormally sharp canine teeth, and made his entire face lighter.

"I suppose you're right."

(Damn it, that smile is _distracting.)_

Tsunade sighs in exasperation.

"What happened to you?" She asks sadly, searching her old friend's eyes for any trace of the man she'd known so many years ago- before everything had gone so very wrong.

Orochimaru is taken aback by the question, and seems, for once, at a loss for words. His expression makes it clear he doesn't have an answer for her.

Tsunade rises from the table, weighed down with disappointment.

"I should leave." She says, turning her back to him.

"...Will I be seeing you again?" Orochimaru asks her, his voice wavering ever so slightly. He's so quiet she almost doesn't hear him-

Was he worried she would say no?

"...Do you want me to?" Tsunade asks, keeping herself turned away. She wraps her arms around herself to keep her nerves at bay.

"I do." He replies, a bit too eagerly for Tsunade's liking.

Tsunade draws a deep, shaking breath before she dares to answer.

"When should I come back?" She asks.

An enormous weight seems to lift, and the entire atmosphere of the kitchen becomes palpably lighter.

"Just let me know." He tells her. "Anytime you like."

Tsunade can't suppress a smile.

"Alright. I'll be seeing you."

"I look forward to it."

**~oOo~**

Tsunade can do nothing else but cry, standing in front of her grandfather's grave, clinging to her mother and wailing in despair.

This is the first time she's been able to visit Hashirama's grave without being crowded out by the other villagers, and finally getting the chance makes the totality of his death overwhelming. The tears flow without end, spilling down her round cheeks despite how desperately she tries to wipe them away. Her mother holds her close, petting her hair and murmuring motherly reassurances.

"Here, sweetheart. Why don't you go lay the flowers down? I'm sure he would like that."

Tsunade sniffles miserably, but takes the bouquet and walks into the shade of the maple tree that stands watch over Hashirama's grave. She lays them down in front of the enormous gravestone, whimpering mournfully.

"You shouldn't cry."

Tsunade jumps, head jerking upward to see a dark-haired boy perched up in the tree. Yellow eyes peer out from between curtains of thick, tangled black hair, regarding her with curiosity.

She's seen this boy at the academy before. He's the weird, pale-faced kid who sat in the back of the class and never said a word. Nobody else talked to him either- unless they were hurling insults to try and get a reaction out of him. Really, only the teachers call him by his name.

_Orochimaru._

"W-what's it to you?!" Tsunade demands, failing to sound brave.

"Pretty girls like you shouldn't be sad."

Orochimaru hops out of the tree, landing deftly on the ground, barely making a sound. Tsunade's mother watches on warily, but doesn't say anything to him.

He extends his arm out toward Tsunade, a single dark purple rose held between his fingers. His eyes wander anywhere but in her direction, as he fidgets uncomfortably on the spot.

"Here."

"What's that for?" Tsunade asks, nose wrinkling up.

"I got it for my parents' graves," he explains. "But I think you'd appreciate it more."

Tsunade's brow furrows in surprise.

"Your parents' graves? Are they-?"

The boy nods. Tsunade's expression softens.

"Oh. I'm- I'm sorry."

"You didn't have anything to do with it."

"No need to be a jerk about it!" Tsunade huffs.

The boy chokes on a breath, his face going red.

"F-forgive me."

He gestures to the rose in his hand.

"Take it. I guess it's an apology now."

Tentatively, the girl reaches out to take the flower, watching him warily.

Before Tsunade can say a thank-you, an elderly woman appears out of nowhere and snatches Orochimaru by the wrist.

"There you are!" She snaps, jerking him away from Tsunade. "Always running off without permission! And now here you are, harassing the granddaughter of the Hokage! Gods, you really are too much!"

The caretaker drags Orochimaru off, alternating between scolding the boy and apologizing profusely to Tsunade's mother. The boy manages to cast a goodbye glance at Tsunade-

He's smiling.

"What an odd child," Tsunade's mother muses. "Is he a friend of yours?"

Tsunade regards the solitary rose in her hand.

"...Yeah," she decides, after some deliberation. "Yeah, he is."


	2. Chapter 2

**~oOo~**

"Starting today, everyone is this room is a Genin. You will all be placed on three-man teams under a Jounin sensei. In this time of war, it's important that everyone does their best to become shinobi capable of fighting for our village."

Everyone in the class is listening to their teacher with a serious expression. Everyone, that is, except for the messy-haired boy in the front row, who is grinning from ear to ear.

Tsunade really, desperately wants to slap the smug look off his face.

"Alright, for the teams…"

Tsunade lets her eyes wander to the back of the room. Orochimaru is buried in a textbook, stringy black hair nearly obscuring his face from view entirely.

"...Tsunade, Jiraiya, and Orochimaru-"

"Hey, what the hell's that that about?!"

Jiraiya leaps out of his seat, slamming his hand down on the table and pouting petulantly.

"Why do I have to be on a team with that weirdo?! Can't it just be me and Tsunade-chan?!"

"That's not my call," the instructor says wearily, pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration. "Please sit down and be quiet."

Jiraiya keeps grumbling to himself, but stops arguing and slumps back into his seat. The boys sitting on either side of him start talking to him in hushed tones.

"Aw man, Jiraiya! Good luck dealing with the freak!"

"No kidding- does he even know what just happened?"

"Who knows? I don't think half of anything gets through his thick skull."

Teammates with Orochimaru and Jiraiya. This should be interesting.

"Alright. Everyone will wait here for their Jounin instructors. Please do your best."

The teacher leaves the room, and everyone chatters excitedly.

Ninja. They're real ninja now. This was the day they'd been waiting for their entire lives. The girls giggle and help each other try on their brand new headbands; the boys brag to each other about their strength and show off the jutsu they've mastered.

Then there are the three of them.

The three who graduated so much earlier than everyone else. When almost everyone else in this room was around twelve years old- the three odd ones were only six. Hailed as geniuses of their generation, brilliant in all regards. The ones that would help bring an end to this war.

Especially Orochimaru.

Though he rarely spoke, he'd excelled in every aspect of their education. Teachers praised him ceaselessly, forever impressed by the innate talent he seemed to possess.

If only the other children saw him in the same light.

For two years now, Tsunade had watched him be bullied ruthlessly. The other students stole from him, ruined his belongings, and belittled him without mercy. She had to wonder why Orochimaru never lashed out at them- he certainly had earned the right.

"I said, I'm talking to you, dumbass!"

Tsunade comes back to earth. One of the older boys has snatched Orochimaru's book out of his hands, brandishing it above his head as if daring the child to try and take it back. Orochimaru does nothing of the sort.

"C'mon! Are you scared or something?"

No answer. Orochimaru doesn't even look at him.

"Don't ignore me!"

The older boy scowls. He swings the book at Orochimaru's head.

"Hey!"

Tsunade jumps over the tables to snatch the textbook away. She grabs the boy's arm with her other hand and throws him onto the ground.

"Ow- what the hell?!"

"Leave him alone, will ya?" Tsunade snaps, glaring daggers, silently _daring_ the older boy to try her patience.

The older boy glares back at her, but doesn't dare talk back to the granddaughter of Senju Hashirama. He scampers off to his own table, shooting her a dirty look the whole time. 

Orochimaru stares at her. She jumps off the table and extends the book out to him. He takes it back, almost seeming embarrassed.

"Thank you." He mumbles rather sheepishly.

Tsunade sits in the chair beside Orochimaru, observing him carefully.

"Why don't you ever fight them back?" She asks incredulously. "You know you could beat all of them if you wanted to."

"Because it doesn't matter," He replies, with a flat, emotionless tone.

"Eh? What does that mean?"

Orochimaru shrugs.

"Think about it- we're at war. Odds are, most of the people in this room right now will be dead in a few years. It isn't worth the trouble getting angry at them."

Tsunade pulls a face at the morbid thought. Orochimaru returns to his book. His wrist is wreathed by deep purple bruising which stands out like wine spilled against virgin snow.

"Hey- did you get that yesterday?"

"Huh?"

"That," Tsunade repeats, pointing at his arm. "Did that lady give it to you?"

"I guess she did."

"Does it hurt?" Tsunade pries.

"Not really." Orochimaru lies. He tries to adjust his hand to hide it, but grimaces, and decides to leaves it where it is.

Tsunade takes his hand to get a better look at it. Orochimaru blushes bright pink.

(Her hand is soft. Soft, and so very warm.)

"What are you-"

"Shut up. I need to focus."

The tip of her tongue pokes out while she tries to concentrate. She focuses all her attention to channeling her chakra into her fingertips. Her hands start to glow a light blue; a gentle warmth spreads through the boy's arm. His eyes go wide as the vicious bruises begin to fade. Then turn green, then yellow, then finally vanish entirely.

"There!" Tsunade beams, puffed up in pride. "I've been practicing that for months!"

Orochimaru stares at his wrist- it's as if it had never been wounded at all.

"You can do healing jutsu?" He asks, awestruck.

"Yup! My mom's been teaching me. Cool, huh?"

"It's amazing," the boy breathes, marveling at the pretty blonde girl in front of him.

Tsunade cocks her head, looking Orochimaru over.

"You know-"

She grabs Orochimaru's hair, parting it like it's ill-kept drapery.

"You'd look a lot cuter if this mess wasn't in the way all the time."

_What is she on about...?  
_

"Um…"

"I know!"

Tsunade rummages around in her bag, searching a few of its many pockets, before finally emerging with a hair tie.

"This'll work for now!"

"What are you-"

Orochimaru doesn't have time to respond before Tsunade is behind him. She struggles with the hundreds of knots, but manages to pull his hair back into a ponytail.

"There." She says definitively. "You shouldn't hide behind your hair. It makes you look like a ghost."

"But-"

"Butts are for sitting, okay?" Tsunade teases, tapping him on the nose. "You know, you've actually got a pretty nice face. You'd look good if you took better care of yourself."

Orochimaru is dumbfounded. His cheeks feel warm all of a sudden, the urge to duck under the table and hide overwhelming him.

"...Thanks." he mumbles.

"Kissass." Jiraiya mutters grumpily.

"You're just jealous," Tsunade retorts, sticking her tongue out at him. "He just has to brush his hair every once in awhile- you'll be an ugly ass no matter what you do."

Jiraiya's jaw practically hits the floor at this, and Orochimaru suppresses a grin.

"The hell are you being so mean for?!"

"The hell do you pick on Orochimaru for?!"

"He's weird!"

"You're weirder!"

"Flat chest!"

"Pervert!"

The two continue to bicker; Orochimaru half-listens while he buries himself back in his textbook.

He thinks he'll like working with Tsunade.

**~oOo~**

Tsunade can't seem to find anything to do today. Without any of the usual Hokage work to do, she was left to her own devices all day. And that sucked.

Shizune had taken up work at the hospital, so she wouldn't be around to pester. Konoha casinos weren't really any fun. No bars are open this early in the day, either- not that even the strongest alcohol would be enough to soothe her ragged nerves.

She fiddles with the television for a few minutes, but nothing holds her attention.

(Damn it. She just needs something to calm her mind down.)

She turns off the TV and grumbles to herself, glancing around her apartment.

Almost as if she's hypnotized, she gets up and heads to the abandoned closet in hallway leading to the bathroom. The closet where she'd carelessly shoved all the belongings that had been returned to her when she finally came back to Konoha. She holds her breath and opens the door.

_I've never even thought to take a look in any of these boxes._

It was pointless work, but maybe the tedium would clear her head.

Crouching down, she cuts the ties holding the boxes shut with her sharp thumbnail.

Most of them are full of useless things- old kunoichi uniforms or equipment far too corroded and dull to ever be used again. All garbage, really.

She gets to the last box, expecting it to be full of more things to be thrown away.

Except…

At the bottom of the box, under a few outdated medical texts and a handful of rusted shuriken, a dusty old bento sits, waiting patiently all these years.

Tsunade brushes the dust off the top of it. It was her old school bento- the one with cherry blossoms and cute little panda stickers. The one her grandfather had given her not too long before he died.

A nostalgic smile crosses her face. How quaint.

She picks it up, and is surprised to hear something rustling around inside.

"Huh?"

She pops the top off the bento and pulls out the folded paper inside. Unfolding it carefully, she finds herself on the verge of tears.

Sarutobi-sensei is beaming with pride. Jiraiya is grinning his dopey grin. Tsunade herself is flashing two fingers at the camera and winking, sticking her tongue out mischievously.

And Orochimaru.

Orochimaru is simply standing there, hands folded uncertainly in front of him. Yellow eyes look off into the distance, without the confidence to look straight ahead.

She swallows thickly, her throat growing hot as her urge to cry grew.

Their team photo. The one they took the day they first became Team Hiruzen, a lifetime ago.

Tsunade bites her lip and folds the picture back up, stuffing it back in the bento and shutting the lid.

God. She doesn't remember Orochimaru looking so sad. Had she really never noticed?"

" _I hate to tell you- but I'm afraid Orochimaru has always been wicked."_

But was that really the truth? Had she really missed that twisted side of him?

When Orochimaru left the village… when she learned of all the horrible things he said and did...she knew- she _knew-_ there had to be some kind of mistake.

Her friend could never do what he'd done. Certainly not because he wanted to do it. No matter what Sarutobi-sensei tried to tell her.

Orochimaru was troubled, for sure. Cynical and morbid, and frustrating and ice-cold and distant at the best of times. But never, even in her darkest nightmares, could she ever have dreamed he was evil.

Not him.

She slumps down onto the wood floor, still holding the battered old lunchbox forlornly.

That's how she felt back then. But when they finally met again- when Orochimaru needed her- she told him right to his face that she had always believed he was wicked. That he had been evil from the start.

(Did she believe that? Or was she merely trying to convince herself?)

Seeing Orochimaru again had brought back memories long ago buried in the deep recesses of her mind. Memories that brought everything she thought she knew into question. Memories that contradict what Sarutobi had told her about Orochimaru, a lifetime ago.

Why…

_I need to get out of here._

She stands up and leaves her apartment. Maybe heading to the training grounds and beating up some unfortunate equipment will help to settle her down a bit.

* * *

After breaking a few pieces of expensive training equipment, she finds her mind a bit clearer. The ache in her muscles takes the attention away from the ache in her heart.

She takes a break to catch her breath, running her hands through her hair, the cool morning air refreshing on her skin.

_Jiraiya- what would you tell me right now?_

Probably invite her to go get hammered with him. That was his usual answer to problems.

The thought gets a laugh out of her. Jiraiya really had been an idiot.

But a kindhearted idiot.

She swings a kick at a nearby tree, nearly cleaving it clean apart. It sways dangerously before snapping and crashing to the ground.

This isn't helping as much as she had hoped it might. She needs a better distraction.

"Hey, Granny Tsunade! I've been lookin' everywhere for you!"

That'd do.

Naruto runs up to her, blue eyes alight and so full of excitement he might pop.

"What do you want?" Tsunade asks, pretending to be annoyed.

"Guess what?! Kakashi-sensei told me he's sick of being Hokage, and he's gonna be retiring soon! You know what that means?! Huh?! Huh?!" He's bouncing up and down with pent up energy.

A smile breaks out on Tsunade's face before she can stop it.

"Congratulations, Naruto." She sighs, ruffling his messy hair.

Naruto giggles, trembling from happiness.

"I gotta find Sasuke and Sakura-chan so I can tell them the good news! I can't wait to see the look on their faces!"

"We'll have to throw a party for you," Tsunade says, punching him playfully on the shoulder.

"Yeah yeah yeah! I'll invite Gaara and Bee- and maybe we can even get Kabuto to show up! And Ichiraku-san can cook for us! I can't wait!"

The enthusiasm in Naruto's demeanor warms Tsunade's heart. There's something beautiful about his undiluted love for life. Despite everything he's gone through, he manages to be so _happy._

How?!

Suddenly, Naruto throws his arms around Tsunade, startling her. He lets out a choked sound, and begins to cry.

"Hey- what's wrong, kid?"

"I can't believe it," he blubbers, squeezing her tightly. "I never thought it would happen…"

He shakes his head violently, and grins through his tears.

"I just hope I don't mess everything up." He mumbles, breaking the hug to try and wipe his face on his sleeve. "I wanna be a good Hokage like you were, granny."

Tsunade bursts out laughing.

"I don't think you have to worry about that."

"Yeah, you're right! I'll have you and Kakashi-sensei to help me out, after all!"

Tsunade kisses his forehead lovingly.

What a stupid, kindhearted boy.

The job of Hokage is going to eat him alive.

**~oOo~**

"My name is Sarutobi Hiruzen. I've been assigned as your sensei from this day forward. I'm excited to get to know you all."

Sarutobi smiles at his new students, getting them to sit together in a small circle.

"How about we start by asking why you all decided to become ninja?"

"That's easy!" Jiraiya blurts out, hand shooting up in the air. "I'm gonna be the strongest, coolest shinobi ever! I want everyone in the whole world to know who I am!"

Sarutobi lets out a bemused laugh.

"What about you, Tsunade?"

"I want to be a strong ninja like my grandfather." Tsunade answers with a confident smile. "I want to protect this village just like he did!"

"That's certainly a noble goal." Sarutobi says approvingly. He then turns his attention to Orochimaru.

"How about you?" He asks. The boy fiddles with the end of the ponytail Tsunade made for him, eyes looking everywhere but at their new teacher.

"...I just want someone to remember me after I die," he responds, almost too quiet to be heard.

"What kind of stupid goal is that?!" Jiraiya snaps. "It's so boring!"

"Stop picking on him!" Tsunade chastises, whacking him on the side of the head.

Sarutobi gets between them before the fight escalates further.

"Now there- save the fighting for later." He admonishes. "Everybody go home and get a good night's rest, okay? Tomorrow we'll begin our training, and it's important to be in top condition."

"Alright! I'm gonna show all of you how tough I am!" Jiraiya declares. "Then Tsunade-chan will  _have_ to go out with me!"

"Sure," Tsunade grumbles, sarcasm dripping from her mouth. "And you'll be Hokage someday, too."

Orochimaru gets up and walks off as silently as he came.

"Hey, wait a second!" Tsunade calls.

He looks over his shoulder.

"Make sure you brush that rat's nest of yours out before tomorrow," Tsunade teases, sticking her tongue out at him. "Or I'll hit you."

Orochimaru turns red.

"...Yeah, yeah. Don't nag me." He mutters, though his tone is lighthearted.

"Hey. C'mere," Tsunade commands, beckoning him toward her. The boy obeys hesitantly.

She holds up her right hand.

"Don't be so glum. We're friends now, okay? You don't have to be alone anymore."

Orochimaru blinks, not sure if he's understanding her.

Tsunade grabs his hand and hooks their pinkies together.

"I promise- from now on, you'll never have to be lonely again. Because we're a team, and teammates stick together no matter what."

A familiar burning rises up in Orochimaru's throat. _Oh god, please don't start crying-_

"Tsunade-"

"We're all a team now. Even dummy Jiraiya will come around eventually. So try to cheer up and smile more, okay?"

Orochimaru doesn't trust himself to answer her. He merely nods, and offers his new friend a shaky, uncertain, but genuine grin.

**~oOo~**

Orochimaru hasn't gotten out of bed since Tsunade left last night. He isn't sure what time it is right now, but he's sure it's been at least twenty-four hours. Possibly longer- it seems to be very late at night.

This bout of sadness came out of nowhere, draining him of the will do anything more than lay there with his lonely thoughts.

He had been so happy when Tsunade arrived. So glad to see her here, just to see him. And when she left, the crushing weight of his emptiness swallowed him whole, leaving him without the energy to even fall asleep.

_I'm definitely going soft._

She told him she would come back, and Orochimaru has no reason to doubt her. Even so- waiting for her return is quickly becoming agonizing.

(Kabuto had been right- the more one wants something, the harder it is to wait for it.)

How pathetic he feels, languishing in yesterday's clothes while waiting for some attention to be tossed his way. Like a puppy begging for scraps at the dinner table.

Yet, he can't help it.

He wants to see Tsunade. After being apart for so long, he needed to see if she possessed any remaining bits of affection for him. If only to know that he isn't alone. That he still matters to somebody in this world.

That he still matters to _her._

" _Teammates stick together, no matter what."_

(Oh, how naive they had once been.)

It wasn't until Tsunade sought him out that he realized how badly he missed her.

He wonders if she missed him as well. If he held her hands, would they be as warm as he remembered?

Yes, he is truly pathetic. Here he is, a grown man, pining after a woman who had doubtless stopped caring for him years ago. He might cry, had his eyes not dried up decades ago.

(How undignified.)

A tiny voice interrupts his sulking.

"Orochimaru-san?"

He snaps upright. _That voice._

"It's been a little while, hasn't it, Katsuyu?" He asks, not even bothering with his usual haughty facade. There was no need right now.

"I guess it has." The little slug replies, voice trembling a little bit. Was she afraid?

Orochimaru rests on the heel of his hand, wondering if he dares to get his hopes up.

"I suppose if you're here, it means dear Tsunade sent you?"

"That's right."

Katsuyu hesitates.

"She wants to see you."

"Is that so?"

_So soon…_

"Yes. She said she will be here tomorrow morning, if that's alright with you."

"Of course. Tell Tsunade she's welcome anytime she likes."

"Very well. Thank you for your time."

With a small _poof,_ Katsuyu vanishes.

Something must have happened, to bring Tsunade running back so soon. He wonders what it might be.

But that part doesn't matter right now. What matters is that she is coming.

* * *

Orochimaru's energy has come back to him; a bath and a change of clothes clears his head, and allows him to get ready for Tsunade's arrival. He puts some rice on to cook, and sets to work making miso, saying a silent prayer that it turns out decent.

He isn't much of a cook- neither were Kabuto or Sasuke, now that he thinks about it. Poor Sasuke managed to burn most everything he tried to make, and Kabuto once managed to make all three of them ill with his attempt at making dinner. Orochimaru likes to think that he is, at least, better than they were. Even if nothing he tries ever turns out like he intended.

Of all his charges, Kimimaro had been the only one who could make anything good. Kimimaro had that certain knack for domestic work- Orochimaru imagines he would have made someone a good husband, if he were still alive.

He has fond memories of Kimimaro eagerly offering up his latest attempt, impatient for Orochimaru's praise. Waiting for a few fond words, or a pat on the head. It was one of the few times the child ever smiled.

But, of course, that was before he fell ill.

He misses that boy, sometimes- though he would rather cut his own tongue out than admit it.

He had lost Kimimaro. Just like he had lost so many things. He must have the world's worst luck.

He can only hope that this recent news means that his luck is beginning to turn around.

 


	3. Orochimaru's Question

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All aboard the feels train! *choo choo*

  **~oOo~**

 

 

"Hey, Tsuna-chan! Who's your new friend?"

A small gaggle of young girls divert from their journey to school to flock around her, giggling and chattering as children often do. Orochimaru politely turns his head away and tries to ignore them.

"He's my new teammate!" Tsunade boasts. "His name's Orochimaru!"

"He? That's a boy?!"

"But he's so cute!"

Orochimaru stammers, trying to hide his face in his hands. Tsunade slaps them away however, so deftly nobody else notices.

(He doesn't like when people call him _cute,_ damn it...)

"He's shy, so we gotta get him to cheer up, okay?"

The other girls giggle once more, and Orochimaru wants nothing more than to melt into the grass and disappear forever.

"Who's your other teammate, Tsuna-chan?" a tawny-headed girl asks.

Tsunade wrinkles her nose.

"Just Jiraiya. Nobody special." She grumbles.

"Ew. Isn't he the one who got caught peeking into the girl's bathhouse?" A rather chubby girl with pigtail braids asks.

"Yeah. That's him."

"Oh gross! I feel so sorry for you, Tsuna-chan!"

They chatter for awhile longer, with Orochimaru not quite paying attention, until the chime of the school bell calls beckons Tsunade's friends to class.

"See you soon, Tsuna-chan!" The tawny-haired girl calls.

"Bring your cute friend too!" The chubby one adds.

"Only if he learns how to talk." The dark-skinned one remarks.

"I will!" Tsunade promises, elbowing Orochimaru in the ribs to break him out of his trance. "He's my new project- we're gonna make him social, okay?!"

Orochimaru's cheeks light on fire, a mousy squeak slipping out of him.

"Aw, come on, Maru!" Tsunade chides. "I'm tryin' to help you!"

Orochimaru attempts to scowl at her, but it melts into a shaky smile halfway through.

"There we go!" Tsunade chirps, clapping her small hands together approvingly. "You've got a super cute smile- let's see more of that!"

Orochimaru ponders, briefly, if one's face could spontaneously combust if one became embarrassed enough.

He doesn't have too much time to dwell on that, though, because Tsunade hooks her arm around his and drags him toward their destination.

"Come on, Maru! If we're late to our first day of training, Sarutobi-sensei is gonna kill us!"

**~oOo~**

"Oh dear, Tsunade. What on Earth happened?"

Orochimaru can't keep the concern out of his voice.

Tsunade is very clearly frazzled. Hair undone, clothes askew, deep raccoon circles ringing her amber eyes. _Has she not been able to sleep, either?_

_Or was she just out drinking again?_

"It's, uh- been a long night." Is Tsunade's weary reply.

"I can imagine. How about we take breakfast and you can talk about it."

Tsunade follows without so much as a dirty look in protest.

Yes, something is bugging her. No doubt about that- but what?

When they're seated at the kitchen table, Tsunade starts talking without any prompting.

"Naruto's gonna be Hokage."

Orochimaru quirks an eyebrow.

"Oh. So he managed that little dream of his then? I never imagined I'd see the day." (He can't quite keep the sarcasm out of his voice.)

Tsunade nods forlornly, staring into her bowl of miso like she was contemplating drowning herself in it.

"Does that bother you?" Orochimaru prompts gently.

"I'm worried." Tsunade replies, squishing her cheek against the heel of her hand in a rather inelegant way. (Almost cute.)

"Why? Are you afraid he'll accidentally destroy the village?" Orochimaru is only half joking.

"No. Nothing like that."

"If not that, then what?"

A heavy sigh.

"This job is going to ruin him." She answers, finally.

"Ruin?" Orochimaru inquires, pausing just before taking a sip of coffee.

Tsunade pulls at the back of her neck.

"I don't know how to say it without sounding ridiculous. But-"

Another sigh. Another shake of the head. (Her silky gold hair bounces when she does it.)

"Naruto is still so...innocent." She confesses. "He's so kind. I mean- he's reckless and an idiot and impulsive- but he's-"

"-Like Jiraiya?" Orochimaru offers.

"...Yes."

Tsunade picks at her food for a bit.

(The rice is burnt and the miso is too salty. But she eats it anyway.)

"What are you going to do about it?" Orochimaru asks. "Make him refuse? Treat him with kid gloves for the rest of his life and hope he remains the way he is now?"

"I-"

"Naruto-kun lived through a war, Tsunade. You know what that does to people. You don't come out of that innocent."

Tsunade has no argument for that. He picks at her miso a while longer, not really wanting to talk anymore.

"What are you afraid of, Tsunade?" Orochimaru asks, when the silence becomes unbearable.

"Huh?"

"Being Hokage was what Naruto-kun wished for, isn't it? Now he's finally gotten it- what are you afraid of?"

"...He loves Konoha so much."

Orochimaru raises an eyebrow again.

"He doesn't know the half of what the village has done. If he finds out- will he still _want_ to be Hokage?"

"Do _you_ know half of what the village has done?" Orochimaru retorts.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Orochimaru shakes his head.

"If you have to ask, then you don't."

Tsunade grumbles, but has no witty retort.

"When dear Naruto-kun learns of the village's unsavory dealings," Orochimaru continues deliberately, more interested in playing with his breakfast than eating it, "He will have to make a decision."

"That decision being?"

The man fixes Tsunade with an intense stare.

"Whether or not Konoha is worth what it takes to keep it running."

He says this very matter-of-factly, like he'd been rehearsing the words for just this situation.

"And you think Naruto will make the right decision?" Tsunade asks, anxiously tapping her spoon against the tabletop.

"I believe the boy will make whatever choice he considers right." Orochimaru replies. "Try not to worry your pretty head about it."

"Oh, shut up." Tsunade growls.

"Forgive me."

Orochimaru observes her idly, a small smile gracing his lips.

"With how much you worry over Naruto-kun, you'd think you were his mother." He muses.

Tsunade chokes on a mouthful of food.

"D-don't _say_ shit like that!" She splutters.

Orochimaru chortles at her dismay

"It isn't a bad thing," he reassures her. "It's normal to worry over the ones you care about, isn't it?"

Tsunade curls and uncurls her hands, hoping the repetitive motion will keep her calm.

"I just- I want him to be happy. I _know_ this is what he wants more than anything else in the world. But at the same time- I want what's best for him. And now that he's finally about to get what he wanted, I just don't think that's it."

Orochimaru heaves a sigh.

"Say, Tsunade-"

"Hm?"

Orochimaru regards her with some interest while he stirs a generous helping of sugar into his third cup of coffee this morning.

"Could it be that this isn't all that's bothering you?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Orochimaru eyes her carefully, debating whether what he wants to say will upset her.

"I mean-" He takes a deep pause to figure out how to word this. "Could it possibly be that you're worried he'll end up dead like Dan and Nawaki?"

Tsunade shatters her coffee mug, sending coffee, blood and shattered glass flying in all directions.

_I suppose there was no good way to phrase that…_

Orochimaru gets up to grab towels to clean up the mess. Tsunade is still as a statue, as if she had just been struck. The only sound in the room is the steady _drip drip drip_ of the blood on the tabletop.

"...I'm sorry, Tsunade. That was cruel of me to say."

It's all the answer he needs.

He catches the slightest trembling in her hand when he presses a towel to it to stop the bleeding. Crimson slowly seeps across the white terrycloth like a spreading infection. There's a tense silence for a small eternity. Orochimaru stares at the towel rather than her face.

"...do you blame me for what happened?" He asks, softly.

Tsunade blinks, taken aback by the question.

"...Why the hell would you even ask that?" She demands, seeming hurt by the suggestion.

Orochimaru forces himself to smile. It's that pained, fake smile that doesn't reach his eyes. The kind he always, always wore when he had something to hide.

"Nevermind, Tsunade. I'm being foolish."

Tsunade can't help but think Orochimaru looks rather small right now. As if he were drawing so far into himself he almost disappeared entirely.

She wants to press the matter further. Wants to find out why the _fuck_ Orochimaru ever let that thought cross his mind.

(She'd never blamed him. Not for a second. What could he have done?!)

She takes the coward's way out, however, and lets him change the subject, rather than force him to give her an answer.

"Have you heard anything about Sasuke-kun lately?" Orochimaru asks, diverting the conversation. "He seems to have vanished off the face of the earth ever since the war."

"He's been keeping in contact with Kakashi," Tsunade answers tersely. "Naruto said something about getting him to come back for his celebration, but who knows if he'll show up?"

"Do you want him to?" Orochimaru asks.

"Only because _my_ student is running around with him and that brat of yours." Tsunade grumbles.

"Oh my," Orochimaru chuckles (though it sounds hollow). "Now, what would Sasuke-kun be doing in the company of two young women unsupervised?"

"I don't think that's any of _your_ business!" Tsunade retorts, her face growing red at the suggestion that any student of hers would leave home just to fool around with some _boy._ Surely Sakura wouldn't be that immature.

Right?

"I was kidding," Orochimaru laughs.

He gathers up the used towels and tosses them aside, and fetches a first aid kit to bandage Tsunade's injury.

He holds her arm delicately, almost lovingly as he winds clean gauze around her hand. His fingers linger on hers a bit longer than is proper, but Tsunade doesn't say anything about it. His face is carefully blank, as if he were afraid to let his feelings show too much.

He rubs his thumb lightly over the covered palm of her hand, his yellow eyes betraying a hint of some long-buried longing. Tsunade's cheeks turn a light pink, but she doesn't flinch or pull away.

"...Remember when we were young," he asks, weighed down by melancholy, "And we always had to patch each other up after missions?"

Tsunade laughs, despite herself.

"Some things just never change, I guess," she mutters.

"Tsunade…"

He turns her hand over, regarding it as if it were something precious.

"I'll confess," he says, his throat tight with suppressed feeling, "I absolutely despised it when you got hurt."

Tsunade isn't sure what this man's intentions are- her heart is fluttering wildly within her, her stomach filled with a flock of anxious butterflies.

"My single largest regret is that I couldn't spare you from the world's suffering."

He takes her hand in both of his, and kisses it softly.

"The fuck are you doing?!" Tsunade growls, using all her willpower to refrain from throwing Orochimaru across the room.

Orochimaru lets her hand go, and Tsunade snatches her limb back. His face doesn't lose that carefully calculated expression.

"I'm sorry, Tsunade. I'd thought my feelings toward you were rather clear."

Puzzle piece memories click together in her brain, and she nearly recoils from shock.

"-After all this time?" She asks hoarsely.

Orochimaru gives a tight, calculated nod.

The tension between the two grows so thick even the sharpest blade couldn't penetrate it.

"You know how _I_ feel." Tsunade replies, matter-of-factly.

The corners of Orochimaru's mouth pull downward in a simulacrum of a frown.

"I do. Forgive me."

"It's nothing worth apologizing for, moron!" Tsunade snaps, overwhelmed with the urge to slap the taste out of Orochimaru's mouth. Anything to get rid of the absolute _sadness_ emanating off the man. It's a miracle she finds it in her to refrain.

Orochimaru stands and straightens out, though he doesn't quite have his usual demeanor back.

"I think you've been here long enough," he says, weariness in his voice. "People will begin to wonder where Konoha's princess has gone to. We can't have people suspecting you're spending your mornings with the likes of me."

"Orochimaru-"

"I'm very glad you came to visit me, dear Tsunade. I hope you'll come back again soon."

"Hey, listen-" She feels so guilt welling up within her.

"-Please don't get lost on your way out."

Orochimaru walks out of the kitchen before she can say another word.

_I think I fucked up._

Tsunade gets up and decides to leave, like Orochimaru requested. Shizune would probably be worried sick by now, anyway.

* * *

_Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid_ _**stupid.** _

_How foolish could one person possibly_ _ **be**_ _,_ Orochimaru berates himself, slamming the door to his study far louder than was decent. _Thinking she would even_ _ **consider**_ _it for one second…_

He had expected her rejection. Told himself he wouldn't do anything brash when she was with him. He'd not even managed a few hours before he'd fucking everything up.

Would Tsunade even want to come back after this? Knowing he was still holding onto childish schoolboy crushes from decades ago?

What the hell was he even _thinking?!_

This sort of self-beratement is making him feel like a lovestruck teenager all over again.

Then, Tsunade seemed to have that effect on him, didn't she?

Maybe he should send her a message to apologize? Or would that be stupid as well?

He's thinking too much again and it's giving him a headache.

He'll have to say something to her if she ever comes back again. Or maybe he'll visit her himself, if he ever gets the courage.

_Why, though? You're used to being alone._

_**That doesn't make it any easier.** _

 


	4. Uninvited!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bby Orochimaru is just so awkward. So very, very awkward.

Tsunade finally remembers why she hasn't gone to a party in so long.

She keeps herself as far away from the crowd as possible, face obscured and a stiff drink in hand, willing nobody to approach her and break her solitude.

She stays at the back of the crowded city hall and watches the party unfold.

Naruto invited everyone in Konoha, it seems, to celebrate with him- and more than a handful of his friends from other villages. The Kazekage and his sister were chatting pleasantly with Killer Bee, and Naruto himself is excitedly talking the ear off anyone who'll listen to him. The newly-minted Tsuchikage and her brother greet him with hugs and happy faces.

She spots Kabuto hiding out in a corner, fidgeting uncomfortably, as if he'd rather be anywhere else. Kakashi is off on the sidelines as well, looking rather stern as he spoke with a beleaguered Sasuke.

(It's funny that Kakashi can manage to look so intimidating, even with so much of his face hidden.)

Sasuke seems thinner than the last time he was in Konoha. Dark circles ring darker eyes, and his skin has an unhealthy, almost gray tinge to it. A worried expression marrs his handsome face. Overall, he looks like he might be ill as Kakashi delivers what must surely be a stern lecture; though about what, Tsunade can only wonder.

She slips out of the main hall and heads upstairs, hoping to get away from the worst of the noise. The crowd thins out a bit on the second floor- she might actually get a minute alone now.

 _I'm turning into some crotchety old woman,_ she thinks to herself, smiling wryly. She tucks herself away on a deserted balcony, looking out at the party-goers in the yard forlornly. Draining the last of her drink, she surveys the legion of happy faces with envy.

She remembers when she used to enjoy parties. When she adored loud music and dancing like nothing else in the world.

She and Jiraiya could while the night away drinking and starting fights with anyone who looked at them funny. Then, once they'd been kicked out of every bar in the village, the two of them would crash at Orochimaru's place. If Orochimaru was home, he'd greet them with a halfhearted lecture- though always with the same amused grin. In the morning, without fail, he'd give them something for their vicious hangovers, and they'd go out for breakfast together.

God, she misses those days.

Hopefully Naruto doesn't come to find her. He'd surely pick up on her bad mood, and she couldn't bear to have him turn those big blue eyes on her and ask her what was wrong. Couldn't bear that heartbroken look when Naruto asked her why she wasn't happy.

A sharp dagger rises up in her throat, her eyes welling up with white-hot tears.

She doesn't feel joy like that anymore. She hasn't felt joy like that in years. In fact, Tsunade can't recall the last time she's genuinely _enjoyed_ anything in life.

She hears a sudden uproar from the floor below, and her heart clenches.

The tears spill over and run down her face in an unstoppable torrent, before she even realizes what's happening. Helpless to do anything but let them overwhelm her. She buries her face in her hands and lets out a shuddering sob.

"Oh dear. That won't do at all."

Tsunade snaps to attention, glaring at the blurry figure perched in the tree in front of her.

Orochimaru joins her on the balcony with a short leap. He reaches out and dries her eyes. As the world comes back into focus, she catches the man's pitying smile and almost feels angry at him.

But she can't be angry at him. Not right now, at least.

"What are _you_ doing here?" She growls, praying her voice doesn't come out childish.

"I missed you," Orochimaru answers, tucking a lock of Tsunade's gold hair behind her ear. His hand is cold enough to make her shiver when it brushes against her cheek.

Tsunade can't think of a witty retort.

"Come now, Tsunade. Pretty girls like you shouldn't be crying."

A jolt runs through Tsunade's body, the words echoing through her mind in a distant voice.

A child's voice.

_Does he even remember he's said that before?_

"What's got you in such a state?" Orochimaru asks, smile fading into a frown. "It's supposed to be a happy night, isn't it? It's a party, after all."

"It is," Tsunade grumbles. "But let's just say I don't feel much like partying."

Orochimaru lets out a sympathetic hum, but doesn't say anything more yet.

"At least Naruto's having a good time," Tsunade laughs halfheartedly, hating the tense atmosphere between them.

"Yes, he seems to be enjoying the company of a very lovely Hyuuga girl downstairs." Orochimaru remarks, with a laugh of his own. "I didn't know Naruto-kun was such a romantic."

"Huh?"

"Naruto-kun just asked that girl to marry him. Did you not hear the commotion?"

Tsunade's eyes widen, a grin creeping onto her pretty face.

"That cheeky little brat," she mutters in gleeful disbelief.

Orochimaru shrugs.

"That poor girl seemed ready to faint," he says wistfully. "I think he caught her off-guard."

"Well, what'd she say?" Tsunade demands impatiently.

"She said yes, of course. I've never seen anyone so infatuated with a boy before."

"Is that so?"

"Hm?"

Orochimaru quirks an eyebrow.

"What about Anko?" Tsunade asks.

"What about her?"

"Don't tell me you never noticed." Tsunade chastises.

Orochimaru tilts his head, and Tsunade can tell he was completely clueless.

"Anko was in love with you, idiot!" She snickers, playfully punching him in the shoulder. "How the _hell_ did you not pick up on that?!"

The look on the man's face is a combination of surprise and horror. He fidgets uncomfortably at the thought.

"I can safely say that never even crossed my mind."

"Don't gimme that crap!" Tsunade chides. "She followed you everywhere! She was always buying you those stupid little presents, and she clung to you like she was worried you'd fly off! What did you _think_ that was about?"

"I-"

Tsunade has to laugh.

"Wow, you're so dense it's actually funny! I thought you were the smart one!"

Orochimaru opens his mouth to retort, but is cut off by a flying mess of blond and orange .

"What the hell do _you_ think you're doing here?!" Naruto snaps, stepping between Orochimaru and Tsunade and flinging his arms out to shield her.

"Naruto-" Tsunade mutters ineffectually.

"I swear, if you hurt granny Tsunade I'm gonna kill you!" Naruto growls ferally, glaring daggers at Orochimaru.

If looks could kill, the man would surely be struck dead right there.

"Naruto!" Tsunade snaps, louder this time. "He _didn't_ hurt me!"

"Well, what the hell is he here for?!" Naruto demands, gesticulating wildly as he spoke. "I can't believe he'd come here and crash _my_ party _dattebayo!"_

"Shut up, moron. You're making a scene."

A sly grin spreads across Orochimaru's face.

"Oh my, Sasuke-kun. You've looked better."

"Shut up," Sasuke repeats, making his own way onto the now crowded balcony, Sakura hanging on his arm and looking frightened.

"Nobody invited him!" Naruto whines. "And if everyone else knows he's here they'll freak out!"

"They _will_ find out if you keep shouting," Sasuke retorts. "Stop making such a big deal out of it."

"Sasuke-kun...isn't he dangerous though?" Sakura mumbles. Through her lovely green eyes, Orochimaru can practically see her mind going back to that day in the Forest of Death all those years ago. Back when she'd been so frightened she could barely move. It's pitiful, really.

"He's harmless," Sasuke assures her, giving her an awkward pat on the head with his free hand. "Nothing to worry about- trust me."

Though he says those words, the Sharingan springs to life in his black eyes.

"Isn't that right, Orochimaru?"

Orochimaru raises his hands in a placating gesture.

"I only came to say hello to an old friend. That's all." He assures the boy. "I have no intention of ruining your celebration."

"Fine. You said hi, now get out of here!" Naruto snaps. "Thanks to you Granny didn't get to see me propose to Hinata! I've been looking all over for her!"

 _It seems like he's_ _ **always**_ _looking for me,_ Tsunade grumbles inwardly.

"You say that like it's important," Sasuke snarks.

"It's important to _me!"_ Naruto snaps back.

"Oh would you two stop!" Sakura intervenes. "That's not what Sasuke-kun and I are here for!"

She bows her head and turns her attention to Tsunade.

"Lady Tsunade, there's something Sasuke-kun and I need to tell you in private." she says, her tone becoming sheepish. Sasuke pulls a face as if he's been struck.

"Oh? Are you gonna finally tell Tsunade Sasuke knocked ya up?"

Dead silence crashes over the balcony. Sakura's jaw practically hits the floor. Sasuke looks ready to throttle Naruto right there. Tsunade looks absolutely mortified.

"...You weren't supposed to tell anyone, jackass," Sasuke hisses through teeth gritted so tightly they might shatter.

Tsunade's fingers start to twitch, eager to wring that damned boy's neck for fooling around with her student.

"Hehe- I guess it kinda slipped out. Sorry…" Naruto stammers, pulling at the back of his neck nervously.

Out of nowhere, Orochimaru bursts out laughing- a loud, boisterous laugh that shakes his entire being,

"What's so funny?" Sasuke demands.

"How _scandalous_ of you, Sasuke-kun," Orochimaru chuckles. "I never took you for that kind of man- my oh my, what would your dear brother think?"

Sasuke's eyes narrow dangerously. He makes an attempt to lunge for Orochimaru, but Sakura throws her arms around him before he can, effectively restraining him.

"Don't you dare say a word about Itachi!" Sasuke snarls, tense with suppressed fury.

"Sasuke-kun, please…" Sakura mutters softly, leaning her head against his shoulder and squeezing him tighter.

Sasuke shuts his eyes, heaving a great, shuddering sigh to compose himself. He relaxes just a fraction, and when he opens them again, the scarlet has faded back to charcoal.

"...Let's go back inside," he mumbles to Sakura, taking hold of her hand to steady his nerves. "I need a drink."

"Wait just a damn minute," Tsunade barks, making the boy flinch. "What exactly are you planning to do now that you've got Sakura pregnant?"

Sasuke withers under the intensity of her glare. He opens his mouth, but can't find words.

"We uh- we haven't talked about that yet," Sakura admits, turning red from embarrassment.

"Well, you're gonna get married, aren'tcha?" Naruto demands, poking Sasuke in the arm repeatedly. "Like me and Hinata? Huh, Sasuke? Are ya gonna get married?"

"Naruto-" Sakura squeaks, before Sasuke cuts her off.

"Of course we are," he interjects, looking like Naruto just offended his ancient ancestors. "What kind of man do you think I am?!"

Sakura's eyes nearly pop out of her head, all breath escaping her body at once. Sasuke grasps Sakura's hand in both of his and looks- not into her eyes, per se, but close enough.

"I mean- if that's what you want." He adds, almost timidly.

"Sasuke-kun...of course...I…"

Orochimaru claps gleefully, looking very pleased.

"How noble, Sasuke-kun!" He exclaims.

"Why are you still here?" Sasuke asks curtly, not even turning to look at him.

"Alright, alright. I suppose I must be going, before anyone else catches me around."

He sweeps down and lays a kiss on Tsunade's cheek before she has a chance to react. Her face turns magenta from humiliation, and she strikes him across the face.

Unruffled by the blow, Orochimaru jumps back into the tree, offering a farewell wave.

"I'll be seeing you again," he chirps, before disappearing into the darkness.

"Eh?! What was that about?!" Naruto shouts, shaking his fist in the general direction of where Orochimaru had been. "Ya can't just go kissing people like that, asshole!"

"It's alright, Naruto." Tsunade assures him, hiding her shock behind a smile. "Let's go back inside, huh? I wanna congratulate that girl of yours."

"Alright!" Naruto squeals, darting back inside. "Come on, come on!"

"And hey, Sasuke-"

Tsunade catches hold of his sleeve.

"Huh?"

"You'd better take care of Sakura-" she warns, still wearing her friendliest smile- "Or I'll kill you."

Though her tone was perfectly polite, Sasuke knows she isn't bluffing. He swallows audibly, and nods. Tsunade wraps an arm around his shoulders, squeezing a bit too tightly just to hammer her point home.

"Glad we understand each other. Now, let's go get that drink, shall we?"

**~oOo~**

"What the hell kept you so long?!" Jiraya shouts, waving a kunai in Sarutobi's direction as he approached them, accompanied by another man about his age- though considerably more imposing. "You're late!"

Sarutobi merely laughs, and opts to address his companion rather than the boy.

"That's Jiraiya," he chuckles. "This lovely young lady is Tsunade, and Orochimaru is skulking over there thinking we won't notice him."

Orochimaru peers out from behind an oak, only emerging when Tsunade prompts him to. Sarutobi gives him a reassuring pat on the back and laughs once more.

"Ah. It seems like you have a fine group of students, Hiruzen." The man says, amicably enough, surveying the three children with a hawkish gaze, before settling on the dark-haired one. "And did you say that one's name was Orochimaru?"

"...I am," Orochimaru mumbles, when Tsunade elbows him to get him to speak.

The man lets out a sudden, barking laugh, startling the boy.

"I've heard a lot about you, boy!" He remarks, smiling in a way that didn't seem cheerful at all. "You have quite the reputation around the orphanage."

"I-I do?" Orochimaru asks, blinking.

"Oh yes. I've heard all sorts of horror stories of your exploits over there. With how well you sneak about at night, I have no doubt you'll be an exceptional shinobi."

Tsunade glances over at Jiraiya, who is practically glowing maroon from envy. She has to stifle a snort.

"Oh...thank you, uh…um..."

"Call me Danzo." The man says, briefly ruffling Orochimaru's black hair.

Orochimaru nods shyly.

"Well, I'd best be off, Hiruzen-" Danzo says, in a clipped tone. He grants one last appraising look at Sarutobi's students.

"I expect great things from you three," he says meaningfully, "and especially from you, little Orochimaru."

"Huh? Why me?!" Orochimaru whines, turning pink in the cheeks.

"Instinct, boy," Danzo responds, tapping his nose. "I'm good at smelling out special talent."

He turns to leave, and Jiraiya flails his arms in impotent rage.

"He's not the only one with talent!" He shouts toward the heavens. "Just you wait! I'm gonna be Hokage! I'm gonna be the best Hokage you've ever seen! Watch me!"

Tsunade and Orochimaru burst out giggling in unison, and Sarutobi affectionately rolls his eyes.

"Now then, we have a big day today. It's our first official mission as Team Hiruzen. I hope you three are ready."

"Damn right!" Jiraiya declares, pumping his fist in the air.

"I'm ready!" Tsunade proclaims, beaming.

Orochimaru hesitates, fixated on that man as he recedes into the distance. An uneasy feeling wells up in his stomach, making him queasy. Something just feels _wrong,_ but he can't put a finger on why.

"...I'm ready," he finally says timidly.

"Alright! Let's go!"


	5. Student to Teacher

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT WARNING: implied rape/sexual abuse. Please proceed with caution.
> 
> So, to say I'm not particularly a fan of Sarutobi as a person would be an understatement. I'll try my damndest to avoid falling into the "Ron the Deatheater" trope, but don't expect a particularly sympathetic portrayal.

**~oOo~**

"A solo mission?"

Orochimaru nods, watching cautiously for Tsunade's reaction.

(Will she be mad at him for going somewhere without her?)

Tsunade grins, then hooks her arm around Orochimaru's neck and pulls him in close.

"Way to go, Orochimaru! You'll do great!"

"Just don't screw it up," Jiraiya teases, punching him not-so-playfully in the shoulder.

"Sarutobi-sensei says it's easy work, so I should only be gone for a couple days." Orochimaru laughs uneasily, rubbing his sore arm.

"You better be," Jiraiya warns. "If you fuck up it'll make us all look bad."

Though his words are harsh, Jiraiya's tone is cheerful, and he smiles while he says it. Orochimaru returns a smile of his own.

"We'll miss you while you're gone," Tsunade assures Orochimaru.

"Yeah. Without you, we'll have to file our mission paperwork on our own, and that's a pain!" Jiraiya interjects.

"Oh shut up- we'll manage just fine!" Tsunade scolds.

Orochimaru watches their bickering, a certain fondness welling up in his heart. It's almost like they're a family…

He never imagined he'd be sitting on a park bench with other people, just enjoying their day off. He never imagined he'd have anyone he could truly call friends.

Tsunade shuts Jiraiya up by shoving a stick of pocky in his mouth, nearly gagging him.

"You'll be amazing! And we'll be waiting for you right at this bench when you get back!"

(Orochimaru can't believe his luck, to have gotten a friend like her.)

They bid him good luck that night, but can't be there to see him off in the morning. In the chill autumn morning, before the sun has begun to creep over the treetops, Orochimaru packs his bag and sets out into the streets. The first trickles of people emerge alongside him to start their days. Some greet him in clipped, tired tones; most, however, pretend he isn't there.

(But that's alright. Orochimaru doesn't really mind getting glanced over.)

Sarutobi-sensei accompanies him to the village gates. He doesn't say much of anything, but Orochimaru doesn't mind. He's just glad to have a bit of company on his way.

He takes a deep breath, staring out at the vast world beyond the gates. He's never been outside them alone before.

Hiruzen puts a hand on his shoulder. He looks somber as he observes his student.

"I wish I could go with you," he says gravely. "To keep you safe."

"I can keep myself safe!" Orochimaru insists, sounding miffed.

"Oh, I know that!" Hiruzen chuckles. "I don't doubt you'll do well- I just can't help but worry. It's my job as your sensei."

A light pink dusts Orochimaru's cheeks, and Sarutobi gently ruffles his hair.

"Be careful."

"I will, Sarutobi-sensei."

The man looks over the young boy. Orochimaru catches a troubled expression on his face.

"Is something wrong?"

"...No, nothing. I just remembered-"

Hiruzen pauses to draw a deep breath, like what he was going to say was not what he _wanted_ to.

"This mission you're going on is secret. Nobody else can know what goes on while you're away."

Orochimaru's brow knits together.

"Not even Tsunade and Jiraiya?"

"No, not even them. What you're about to do is vital to the village's security, and we can't afford any potential of jeopardizing it. I'm sure you understand."

Orochimaru hesitates, then nods.

"I understand, Sarutobi-sensei. I won't."

Sarutobi pats him on the back.

"I'm sure you'll do well. Good luck."

"I'll do my best!"

With that, Orochimaru darts out into the woods beyond the village, fading into the first creeping rays of dawn on the horizon.

He was barely ten years old.

**~oOo~**

Orochimaru wakes up at his desk, with a crick in his neck and old memories drifting through his mind.

A loud crack in his back greets him when he sits up, pulling off a stray paper that saw fit to stick to his cheek while he slept. He must've dozed off while working late. Blearily, he rubs his eyes with the heels of his hands and lets out a great yawn.

He feels like it's late morning, though it's hard to tell when he spends most of his days shut away underground.

(Not that the time much mattered to someone like him, anyway.)

A familiar voice catches his attention. It's faint, coming from somewhere down the hall, but he could recognize it anywhere.

Orochimaru wonders what Sasuke was doing back after all this time.

When Orochimaru leaves his office, it becomes apparent that Sasuke wasn't unaccompanied. Though it was almost certain Karin would notice him eavesdropping, he banked his luck on her being too distracted by the young Uchiha to notice.

Flagged on either side by Juugo and Karin, Sasuke sits on the deep maroon rug with his head cradled in his remaining hand, tucked so far between his knees he might get lost in there. Suigetsu is perched on the fireplace mantle, in an attempt to distance himself from the emotional trainwreck on the floor.

"It'll be alright, Sasuke!" Karin says vehemently, clutching his arm. "It'll be okay!"

"I don't know how to be a father!" Sasuke whines, in a petulant and almost childish manner. "I'm not ready…"

Ah. It all makes sense, now. _  
_

(Poor Sasuke sounds like he's about to be ill.)

"Why do ya _have_ to be?" Suigetsu asks, rolling his eyes.

"It's not my call to make!" Sasuke snaps.

"Eh? Why not?"

"I'm not the one...I'm not-"

"He's not the one who has to carry the thing around for nine months then shove it out of him, stupid Suigetsu!" Karin interjects, looking fit to throw something at the pale-haired boy above her.

"Yeah, but-I mean- he helped _make_ the kid, right? Doesn't he get a say in whether it gets born or not?"

"Just shut up for a minute, will ya?! You aren't helping!"

Juugo says nothing, but rubs soothing circles on Sasuke's back.

"I'm gonna fuck it up," Sasuke mumbles mournfully, oblivious to the argument going on. "I'm gonna fuck the kid up and it's gonna grow up fucked up like I am...God, what would Itachi think of me?!"

"As I recall," Orochimaru interrupts, startling the four of them into silence, "Itachi-kun very much liked small children."

Sasuke is too stunned to say anything, so Orochimaru decides to continue.

"Itachi-kun was a very popular Akatsuki member amongst Amegakure's children, as a matter of fact. They quite enjoyed his company when he could be bothered to come out of his bedroom. I suppose he's always had that paternal streak in him. Although-"

A sly grin works its way onto his pallid face.

"-I also seem to recall that he preferred the company of other men, so I don't think he ever planned on any children of his own."

Sasuke glares at him through a fringe of unkempt black hair, the crimson of the Sharingan bleeding into his eyes.

"You haven't earned the right to say his name," he hisses dangerously. Orochimaru puts his hands in the air to placate him.

"I'm only saying- I'd say your brother's only concern would be whether or not you loved that girl. Itachi-kun was a romantic like that."

The anger in Sasuke's face rather abruptly turns to sadness.

"I…"

"Do ya?" Suigetsu asks. "I mean-she's pretty cute. I wouldn't mind settling down with a girl that cute- or a guy, really."

"Yes…maybe...I don't know…"

Sasuke looks quite pitiful, grabbing a fistful of his dark hair in anguish.

"I don't know if I can love _anyone._ Not with how awful I am…"

"You're being too hard on yourself," Juugo mutters, in a voice far too soft for his massive frame.

"I'm not!"

Sasuke's voice is shaking dangerously- he might actually start crying, soon.

"I'm a fucking wreck and the kid's gonna be a fucking wreck because it's stuck with me as a father! I'm gonna fucking ruin it…"

"Hey, if you're so worried, why dontcha tell Whiskers about it? Aren't you two all buddy-buddy again?"

The look Sasuke shoots at Suigetsu instantly causes him to wither.

"Naruto wouldn't understand. He can't fucking _wait_ to have a kid. He doesn't _get_ it."

"But Naruto-kun wouldn't have to understand to lend a sympathetic ear, would he?" Orochimaru points out.

Sasuke just groans, having no boy's neck gives up on supporting his head, hanging downward like someone just cut the string holding it up.

Orochimaru casts a pitying glance at his former student, shaking his head.

"Well, it certainly couldn't make the situation any worse, could it?"

Sasuke still doesn't say anything.

* * *

"Lady Tsunade...are you angry with me?"

Tsunade draws a great breath to collect herself before addressing Sakura.

"Why _him?"_ She asks pointedly.

Sakura wrings her hands in her lap anxiously.

"...I love him."

"I get that part. I'm asking _why."_

Sakura's cheeks turn bright red.

"I don't know," she admits rather sheepishly, green eyes fixated on Tsunade's coffee table.

"He'd been gone for so long," she whimpers. "I'd worried about him and prayed for him to come home safely. When he did...it was like a dream. I didn't even realize how badly I missed him-"

"God, please don't cry," Tsunade implores, rubbing her temples to stave off a headache. Sakura is silent for a minute while she collects herself.

"...He held me, just like I always wanted him to. He held me and he kissed me and he told me he needed me...it's everything I ever wanted…"

"Didn't he try to kill you?" Tsunade asks pointedly, getting desperate to talk some sort of sense into her student.

"He wasn't in his right mind!" Sakura insists. "He was hurt- I'd be hurt too if I were him! I forgave him for that a long time ago."

"You're more forgiving than I'd be," Tsunade grumbles.

"Orochimaru tried to kill you, too, and you're still hanging around with him!"

"That's different!" Tsunade insists- it's her turn to blush now. "I'm not running off and fucking him and having his baby, now am I?!"

Sakura bows her head and lets out a dreary sigh, fidgeting hands resting over her middle.

"Maybe I'm a bit selfish," she admits quietly. "But, I just thought- this baby is something special between Sasuke-kun and I. Something that's _just_ between us. I...I like that."

"Even with that, it won't change how he is," Tsunade reminds the girl, her tone gentler than she would have liked. "He's stupid and reckless, immature and has a hair-trigger temper- and that's just what _I've_ noticed. He doesn't exactly strike me as father material."

Sakura doesn't have a response to that.

"Sakura, I know I'm not your mother, and it's not my place to lecture you-" Tsunade begins- "But you really need to think hard about what kind of future you want, and if a dumbass like Sasuke fits into that picture. You need to be sure it's something you want, and not something you're just doing because you feel bad for him and wanna try to fix him with hugs or some shit. You're a strong girl, and you don't _need_ his bullshit in your life if it isn't what you want."

The girl lets the tiniest smile creep onto her face.

"I'm not trying to fix him." Is her response. "Because I love Sasuke-kun for the person he is."

Tsunade's eyebrow rises so high it disappears into her blond bangs.

"I get all his flaws," Sakura clarifies. "I know Sasuke-kun is far from perfect, and he's got a lot that he needs to change. But- I love him anyway. Isn't that what love is supposed to be?"

Tsunade runs her fingers through her hair in puzzlement.

"You're unfathomable," she mumbles. Sakura giggles nervously.

"It's probably silly of me. But I at least want to give it a chance. Sasuke-kun isn't a bad person, Lady Tsunade."

Tsunade shakes her head.

"I never thought he was a bad person. I just think he's dumb as hell."

"I won't argue there," Sakura chortles. "Sasuke-kun is hopeless about a lot of things. So he's gonna need me to look after him so he doesn't screw up again!"

Those words lighten Tsunade's mood, and she lets out a laugh of her own.

"Well, I guess he's your responsibility now, then," she tease. "We'll know who to blame if the moron fucks up."

Sakura snorts.

"Don't worry. If he tries anything again- I'll beat him to death myself."

Tsunade pats Sakura's head and smiles tiredly at her.

"That's my girl."

**~oOo~**

"Where the hell've you _been?!"_

Tsunade leaps from the park bench and seizes her teammate by the shoulders. She shakes him; tears gather in her amber eyes.

"You were only supposed to be gone for a few days! It's been a month! What the hell happened?!"

Orochimaru bows his head, hiding his face behind curtains of silky midnight hair.

"...I'm sorry," he mumbles.

"What happened?!" Jiraiya demands. "Didja get hurt? Are ya okay?!"

Their companion is stone silent.

"Hey- I brought some monaka," Tsunade says quickly, reaching into her bag for the box of sweets and shoving them toward him. "I know you like them- the shop just made them this morning, so they're still fresh!"

Orochimaru shakes his head, pushing the box away. His hair falls away to reveal deep, wicked blue and purple bruising on his neck. Lurking in the center, like some ugly predator, was a half-circle of bloody, half-healed puncture wounds.

A bite…?

"Orochimaru, what happened?!"

The boy completely ignores her. He self-consciously covers the wound and turns away.

"I should go do my paperwork."

He brushes past the two of them and heads off on his own.

"What the hell?!" Jiraiya shouts, stomping his foot in frustration. "What, you think you're better than us now or something?! You can't even talk to us anymore?!"

More silence.

"He's probably just tired." Is Tsunade's soft reply.

Even as she says this though, her mind is running with all the horrid possibilities that might have happened to her friend while he was away.

Orochimaru makes his way to the mission office, going through the motions of filling out the standard mission completion forms. He makes his way down a lonely hall, into the room where Sarutobi and Danzo are waiting for him. Then he can't contain himself anymore.

Gold eyes flood with tears, turning toward his teacher with a look of complete and utter betrayal.

"... _Why?"_ He chokes.

Sarutobi regards his student regretfully, unable to summon the courage to speak while Orochimaru continues to cry, sobs shaking his skinny body so hard his entire fragile frame might break. Danzo watches him coldly.

"We told you this was an important mission." Is his icy reply.

"You didn't tell me I'd be doing-"

"A shinobi must be willing to do anything in the service of their village," Danzo cuts him off. "No matter how cruel or degrading it might be."

"No!" Orochimaru screams.

Without the slightest change in his expression, the man steps forward and strikes the child across the face, sending him slamming into the wall and crashing onto the floor. The boy looks up at Danzo, then to Hiruzen, pleading for help with large, beautiful eyes. Sarutobi has to look away from that heartbreaking look.

"I know it might be hard for you to accept," he says, still feeling the boy's withering gaze boring into the back of his skull. "But there are certain things that must be done- and only a few people capable of doing them. I'm sorry."

Hiruzen thinks (though he might be mistaken) that the shattering sound he hears is the sound of the child's heart breaking.

"I've received word that the Suna diplomat you escorted is willing to cooperate with us now," Danzo says in a clipped, businesslike tone. "You've done your job well, it seems."

Orochimaru whimpers feebly.

"You'll be called back in when there's another mission for you. You should go home and rest."

Sarutobi dares to look at his student again.

Orochimaru rises to his feet, his legs as unsteady as a newborn colt's. He clutches at the bruise blossoming on his left cheek. Orochimaru's eyes lock on Sarutobi's, and gives him a look that turns his soul to ice.

Those lovely eyes, those perfect golden eyes, _glare_ at him. Glaring, boring, _hating_ right down to the core of Sarutobi's soul. With those eyes fixed on him, he feels as though his limbs are frozen in place, the breath halted in his lungs.

If a look held the power to kill, Hiruzen would most certainly be struck dead right there.

The boy leaves the room, and as soon as the door is shut, Sarutobi can breathe freely again.

He remains transfixed on that spot where Orochimaru had been, wondering just what sort of monster had just been bred inside his heart.

**~oOo~**


	6. Naruto's Questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rereading this, I noticed I write Orochimaru raising his eyebrow more than The Rock XD

**~oOo~**

A visit to Hashirama's memorial is always sufficient to put Hiruzen in a somber mood. He feels numb to the icy morning air, trying to find some solace in the quiet of dawn. He meanders through the rows upon rows of fallen shinobi, heart aching with pity for the myriad dead soldiers.

Why does he do this to himself?

He pauses, stopped cold in his tracks by the small, huddled body in his path.

Curled atop his parents' graves, Orochimaru is half-sleeping fitfully. He shivers from the cold and mumbles incoherently. The pitiful sight seizes Sarutobi's heart into a vice grip, and he immediately reaches down to gently shake the boy awake. Orochimaru jolts upright with a panicked yelp.

"What on Earth are you doing out here?"

Orochimaru rubs his eye with the heel of his hand. He fixes Hiruzen with a vicious stare, despite the drowsiness in his visage.

"They kicked me out." He says flatly, tangling his fingers into his mass of dark hair to try and work out the knots.

"Why-"

"I'm too much trouble," Orochimaru interrupts, more intent on his hair than his teacher. "They can't be bothered with me anymore."

"When did that happen?!" Sarutobi demands.

"Is it any concern of yours, Sarutobi-sensei?"

Orochimaru's voice is dripping with venom and sarcasm, yellow eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Of course it is- I'm your teacher!"

Orochimaru doesn't respond to this, but his angry expression softens the smallest fraction.

"Come on- you're going to catch a cold out here." Sarutobi's voice is less harsh now, but inside he is seething.

Sarutobi is beyond angry. Beyond furious. Livid and horrified that anyone would do such a horrid thing to a child.

(...it takes a few moments for him to realize his own hypocrisy.)

The boy, however, has his attention on a different matter- maybe searching to distract himself.

"...What's this?" He asks, picking up a papery, ash-white snake skin resting on the ground.

"Hm? Oh!"

Sarutobi smiles in spite of himself. The childish curiosity which takes over that pallid face is enough to melt his heart.

"That's a pretty good find. White snake skins are good luck, you know!"

"...What makes them white, though?" Orochimaru asks, cocking his head like a curious bird.

"I couldn't tell you for sure. But they've always been omens of good luck and rebirth. Maybe some snake left it there to tell you your parents have been reborn somewhere, and want to meet you again when you're older."

(Orochimaru doesn't even seem to be paying attention)

"Good fortune and rebirth…"

His voice is so soft Sarutobi almost doesn't catch it.

The child ponders this for a moment. A small, barely-there smile crosses his lips, and he runs his fingers lovingly over the fragile shedded skin.

Orochimaru allows himself to be led to Hiruzen's apartment and sat at the kitchen table. He slumps over like a sad little marionette, still transfixed on his newfound treasure.

_What am I going to do with him?_

Sarutobi certainly won't send him back- even if he could force the orphanage to take Orochimaru, it feels wrong to send him to these people that seem to despise him.

He'll worry about that on his own.

"Don't you and Tsunade have a mission later? You should clean up and get ready to leave," he prods gently.

Life breathes into Orochimaru's limp frame, eyes widening so far as to seem impossible. He utters a curse under his breath.

"I almost forgot!"

He jumps out of the chair and hurries to prepare, 'borrowing' some of Sarutobi's equipment as he did so. He only pauses to tenderly wrap up and tuck away his new good luck charm, and doesn't bother with goodbye as he rushes out the door.

Sarutobi watches him leave out the window, rushing to meet Tsunade at the intersection of the main street, where a bakery stands next door to a sweet shop.

Tsunade shoves anpan into the boy's mouth, chattering and bouncing around with pent-up energy. Orochimaru beams back at her with an affection Sarutobi has yet to see matched, biting into the bread she'd forced on him.

Hiruzen going to make this right. Make everything right. He has to. He's going to right his wrongs as best he can. That's what Hashirama would've done.

(Hashirama would never have allowed everything to go so wrong.)

**~oOo~**

Orochimaru wonders whether Jiraiya would be pleased to know he has such a grandiose memorial.

A rather lifelike statue of his former friend stands triumphantly on the back of a sculpture of a toad, grinning at passersby and giving a jubilant thumbs-up. It sticks out sorely in this lonely section of graveyard, and brings a tired smile to Orochimaru's face.

"Good to see you again, Jiraiya," he says, with a slight, sardonic laugh. "You've never looked better."

He sits cross-legged on the grass in front of the statue, momentarily shutting his eyes to let the cool air of dawn mingle with the melancholy inside him.

"You just had to run off and do something so reckless, didn't you? You didn't think about what poor Tsunade would go through because you couldn't stop and think things through."

_Why does that make me so angry?_

"It's always been that way with you, though, hasn't it?" He hisses, hands balling into tight fists. "You always wanted to be a hero."

(Figures that, the one time Orochimaru desperately needs to hear his voice, Jiraiya can't speak.)

"The hell're _you_ doing here?"

Naruto puncuates his question with a loud yawn, rubbing some spot vaguely near the bags under his eyes. He hadn't even been bothered to change out of his pajamas, either- he must have just woken up.

"I could ask you the same thing."

Naruto rolls his eyes as if that's the stupidest question he's ever heard.

"I come here every morning, moron."

The boy flops down onto the grass beside Orochimaru, pointedly avoiding looking at him. However, he doesn't tell the man to leave.

"I used to come with Granny, but she always ends up cryin', and I really can't handle that."

Naruto offers the information like it's no big deal, but the way his mouth curls downward and his brow furrows betray his upset. He hugs his knees to his chest, fixing his blue eyes to some undetermined point on the memorial.

"I wish Pervy Sage could be here." He sounds so unbearably _sad_ that Orochimaru almost squirms away in discomfort. "I finally made it...I really wanted him to be here when I did."

"I'm sure he'd be deliriously proud of you, Naruto-kun."

It must've come across more sarcastic than Orochimaru intended; Naruto shoots him a withering glare in response.

"You're a real asshole. You know that, right?"

"I never claimed to be anything less."

Naruto is silent for awhile, fiddling with that damn cursed necklace Tsunade kept passing around. The early autumn breeze disturbing the leaves is the only sound to fill the void.

"...Ya know what Pervy sage always said about you?"

"Hm? I suppose he said I'm a right bastard, didn't he?"

"He said he wished he coulda helped you."

It's Orochimaru's turn to be struck dumb. Naruto fiddles with his necklace, nearly squirming in discomfort.

"He said he always wondered whether ya would've stayed if he'd been a better friend. I think Pervy Sage thought it was all his fault you ran away."

Orochimaru barks out a harsh, gleeless laugh.

"Why the fuck is that funny?!"

"Because that sounds exactly like something Jiraiya would say."

Naruto pouts, looking painfully childish.

(Funnily enough, Orochimaru remembers Sasuke often donning that same expression when he was younger.)

"It isn't funny," Naruto scolds, like a parent lecturing a misbehaving child. "Ya know, if things were really that bad you shoulda told him what was wrong!"

"It wasn't my place to involve anyone in my personal issues," Orochimaru responds, with a shrug of his thin shoulders.

His tone is cool, and calm, but on the inside his temper is bubbling closer to the surface.

"Not even your best friend?!"

Orochimaru clenches his fists and clings to the last remaining shred of his patience.

"I didn't involve him specifically _because_ he was my best friend."

"But what was going on that was so bad you couldn't even tell your friends?!" Naruto whines, gesticulating wildly in disbelief.

"I'm sure you've been told about everything I've done."

"Well- yeah- but-"

"But what?" Orochimaru eyes the boy intently, a chill in his voice.

Naruto scratches vigorously at the back of his neck.

"Sometimes I wonder if people've been lying to me about it."

Orochimaru's brow knits together.

"What gives you that impression, Naruto-kun?"

Naruto fools around with the hem of his pajama sleeve.

"Well- they lied about Itachi, didn't they?"

"Hm?"

So he knows about it, too?

"They let him play the bad guy because they wanted to cover up why all the Uchiha died!" Naruto cries out indignantly. "And they let Sasuke hate him all that time because they were a buncha cowards who couldn't admit what they did _dattebayo_!"

The boy is animated with indignation now, arms gesticulating like one of Sasori's puppets gone awry.

"People shouldn't get away with rotten tricks like that! If they could lie about something like that- what else are they lying about?! I wanna know what the truth is! "

"And what would you do if you knew the truth?" Orochimaru asks, eyebrow raised so high it disappears into the fringe of his hair.

Naruto jumps to his feet, unable to contain his energy.

"I'm gonna be the Hokage dattebayo!" he declares, thumping his chest with defiant pride. "I'm gonna find a way to make it right no matter what! I have to!"

Despite borrowing most of his looks from his father, with that determined expression on his face, Naruto looks startlingly like Kushina.

He's most definitely her son.

Orochimaru stands as well, smiling softly at this stupid, kind, naive boy.

"You truly baffle me, Naruto-kun. But, since you seem so determined-"

He pauses a moment, glancing at this stubborn boy in front of him.

If he does what he wants to do, he can't take it back. He can't undo whatever happens after. Is that worth it?

(There's only one way to know.)

Orochimaru reaches into his kimono and pulls out a solitary silver key.

"-I suppose I can give you this now."

Naruto wrinkles his nose.

"A key? What for?"

"It's my congratulations on becoming Hokage. You said you wanted to know everything so badly; this key will give you just that."

Naruto hesitates before taking the cold metal out of the man's hand. He touches the key gingerly, as if it might hurt him.

"There's a door in the Hokage's office," Orochimaru explains. "It's hidden behind a fake wall in the supply closet. Tap the top left corner and you should find it. This key unlocks that door; all the answers you'd ever want are in there- provided they didn't get torched when the old rat died."

"...Where'd ya get the key?" Naruto asks warily.

"I figured I might use it to cause some political upset one day- but I think this is a better use, don't you?"

"That's not really answering my question."

Orochimaru just chuckles and pats his shoulder.

"I think you're about to find there are some questions best left alone."

**~oOo~**

"You think Jiraiya's gonna be upset he didn't get to come?" Tsunade asks in a hushed whisper, a smug grin adorning her face.

"Probably not," Orochimaru shrugs. "It's just a surveillance mission- you know how much Jiraiya hates those."

"We'll have to pretend we got into a big fight then. We'll say we almost got caught and had to fight our way out!" Tsunade giggles.

Orochimaru smiles, and they go back to quietly observing their targets for awhile. It's a few Suna jounin on some sort of intel gathering mission. If all goes well, everyone gets to go their separate ways no problem.

"Hey- my mom said you could come over when we get home! You could meet my cat! And Tobirama-oji's gonna be there!" Tsunade interjects, her whisper growing excited.

"...I-I'm not so sure that's a good idea," Orochimaru stammers.

"Aww, come on! My mom said she really wants to meet you properly!"

The Suna nin below their vantage point look upward. The two children fall dead silent until their attention falls elsewhere again.

"Please, Oro!" Tsunade implores. She turns those big, amber eyes on Orochimaru, and his resolve crumbles into dust.

"...Fine. But just for a short visit, alright?"

Tsunade squeaks and squeezes him tightly. Orochimaru's face grows hot; he clears his throat and gestures his head toward the Suna ninja they're supposed to be watching.

"We should, uh-"

"Right, right- do our job." Tsunade pretends to be irritated, but her enormous grin betrays her.

Orochimaru repositions himself in their rocky outcrop to try and get a better view. Their targets are discussing mostly boring, standard stuff, and it's becoming clear they won't get any sort of valuable intelligence out of this mission. He should be annoyed.

However…

If it's an excuse for him to have Tsunade to himself for a day- to have her wedged in this close to him-

He doesn't mind the mission being useless.

**~oOo~**

In the years Tsunade has known Naruto, she can't recall ever seeing him like this.

He's angry. Furious. Fuming mad.

But it isn't Naruto's usual anger.

Naruto's usual anger is loud, explosive, even violent. Right now, however, Naruto is quiet. Deadly quiet. Calm, too, with none of his usual bluster or agitation. It's an eerie calm though; rage pours off the boy so badly Tsunade can practically taste it. A murderous aura surrounds him, chilling the air and pricking up the hairs on the back of Tsunade's neck.

What the _hell_ brought him to her apartment in such a state?

"What's going on, Naruto?" Tsunade asks cautiously, gripping the doorframe tightly.

Naruto holds up an enormous stack of folders, hands trembling hard enough to make the papers vibrate.

"...Is everything a lie?" He asks, his voice cracking with repressed emotion.

"Huh?"

"How much has this village been hiding?" Naruto demands, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. "Why does everything have to be so dirty _dattebayo_?!"

Tsunade bites her lip. She has no answer to give.

Naruto shoves the giant stack of papers toward her; Tsunade barely catches them before they hit the floor.

"I'm leaving for awhile."

"Where?" Tsunade charges.

"I've gotta find Orochimaru," Naruto replies, in a sharp, clipped tone.

"Why him?!" Tsunade snaps.

"Because I've got a million questions and not enough answers. Don't try to stop me."

"Oh God, what did he do?!"

"He didn't do anything! Just butt out, Granny!"

Naruto takes off and is gone before Tsunade can think clearly enough to chase after him. She's left with the folders in her hands and a pit of dread in her stomach.

Are these what upset him so badly? What on Earth…

They seem innocuous, even innocent. Plain white folders with neat sheets of paper inside. Some are yellowing from age, but otherwise every page is in perfect condition. She shuts her apartment door and sets them down on the kitchen counter.

She should read these. She knows she should. But whether she has the courage to is another matter entirely.

She takes a deep breath and pours herself a strong drink. Looks like she'll be reading through classified documents instead of finally finishing Jiraiya's trashy novels like she'd been meaning to all year.

(This is too much bullshit to deal with.)

Drink in hand, she cracks open the first folder, breath baited with anticipation. She has no idea what's in any of these, but if Naruto's reaction is anything to go by, she's already certain she's not gonna like it.

* * *

"Sasuke!"

Naruto nearly knocks his friend clean off his feet in his clamor to get his attention. He drags him by his dark hair out of the crowded town square and into an isolated hideaway in some deserted alley, slamming him against the concrete wall like he had immodest intentions.

"What the _fuck_ is your problem?!" Sasuke howls, shoving the blond boy away to regain his personal space.

"Sasuke I need your help!"

"Can't it wait?" Sasuke complains. "I just came back to pick up Sakura- Karin's waiting for us and I'm in a hurry."

"This is important, Sasuke! I need to find Orochimaru!"

Sasuke wrinkles his nose in distaste.

"The hell do you need to find _him_ for?" he demands.

Naruto draws a sharp breath in some attempt to keep his composure.

"He showed up at Jiraiya's grave yesterday morning. Well-he gave me something, and now I have important stuff I have to ask him."

"So find him yourself if it's that important. I've had enough of the old man for a lifetime."

"It's not just about him, Sasuke! It's about everyone! About my dad! About Kakashi-sensei and about Itachi, too!"

Winter passes over Sasuke's pale face, and he finally listens to what Naruto has to say. Naruto trembles from the sheer force of the emotions swirling inside him.

"I dunno what to do, Sasuke," he bleats out forlornly. "I don't know what to believe anymore. I just need someone to finally tell me the truth, and I think he's the only one with the guts to do it!"

"...What does Orochimaru have to do with my brother?" Sasuke hisses.

Naruto shakes his head violently.

"I just- I can't- it's complicated, okay?! But Sasuke, I need to find him and I know you know where he is _dattebayo_! "

Sasuke fixes jet black eyes on Naruto, narrowing them incredulously.

"Why do you need to know so badly?"

"Because in two weeks I'm gonna be in charge of this village and I wanna know what's going on!"

Sasuke deliberates for a few heartbeats, then sighs in resignation.

"Around this time of year, Orochimaru usually heads for his hideout in the north. It's not too far out of the way from where Sakura and I are meeting Karin. If you can be ready in ten minutes, I'll take you there."

Naruto tackles Sasuke in an unexpected hug; Sasuke can feel his ribs creak dangerously under the pressure.

"You're the best _dattebayo_!"

"I can't breathe, dumbass!"

Naruto pulls away with an apologetic little squeak.

"...Sorry."

Sasuke massages his side, already certain he'll be bruised.

"Hurry up and get your shit together. We'll meet you by the gate."


	7. The Serpent's Tale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep. I wrote that. Sorry guys XP
> 
> Side note: shoutout to Yaodai, my loveable story stalker <3

**~oOo~**

A keen sense of discomfort floods Sarutobi’s stomach, knowing Orochimaru is currently on the spare futon in his living room. It's incredibly awkward and he has zero idea what he should say or how he should behave.

There’s nothing he could say right now that could make this situation okay. He doesn’t have the foggiest idea how to comfort the child, or how to even begin to mend the shattered trust between them.

(So, rather than confront the situation, he lays motionless in bed and prays the child falls asleep soon.)

The sounds of the world are consumed by the wicked howling of the wind outside. His dog snores away in the corner, oblivious to everything.

How lucky.

Dogs don’t have to worry about nasty business like wars, and politics, and shady deals made behind the Hokage’s back to try to maybe keep some soldiers from dying. All a dog has to do is be a dog.

Thunder cracks, and rain starts to beat against the building with a violent sort of vigor. The dog wakes up suddenly,ears pricked, attention fixated on the door. 

"Hm? What's up, Kai?"

**_CRACK_ **

Kai barks and paws at the door.

The next rumble of thunder is followed by a loud crash, and a shattering noise.

Hiruzen leaps out of bed, bursting out of his room. The futon has been abandoned, but the kotatsu rattling gives him a good idea where Orochimaru is.

"Are you alright?"

The dog barks once more and sticks his head under the table. Hiruzen kneels down, lifting the heavy blanket away.

Orochimaru's eyes are shut tight, hands clamped over his ears to try and shut out all the noise. He's shivering and whimpering much like a small, frightened animal.

Kai licks the boy's cheek and whimpers. The next roar of thunder makes Orochimaru yelp, curling up ever tighter to try and get away.

"Hey, it's alright…"

Sarutobi reaches out to pat the boy's head-

" _Ouch!_ "

-But quickly withdraws his hand when Orochimaru bites it. The kotatsu crashes onto its side; Orochimaru withdraws into a tight ball, hands still firmly against his ears.

It's hard for Sarutobi to be cross when the boy looks so utterly pathetic. Quivering from fear, babbling incoherently- he was a sorry little picture indeed. 

Hiruzen grabs the boy's wrists and pulls them away. 

"It's alright." He says firmly, keeping his grip despite Orochimaru's protests and half-garbled cursing.

"Look at me. You're alright. Everything is alright. It's okay."

Yellow eyes peer out at Hiruzen incredulously, almost mocking him for his words, but Orochimaru's own words stick in his throat.  

"You don't need to be afraid, Orochimaru. I wouldn't let anything hurt you.” 

(A very poor choice of words, apparently.)

The child bursts into a fit of uncontrollable giggling, intermingled with wet, heavy sobs. Kai whines worriedly, nuzzling up into his arms. Orochimaru hugs him close, but keeps on cackling.

"...you can protect me from the weather, Sarutobi-sensei?" he mocks, as aloof and cold as one could be in his position. "Or is that just a comforting lie you're spouting because it makes _you_  feel better?" 

His tone is biting, cutting straight down to Sarutobi's bones. Too callous, too cynical for one so very young.

The heavy tattoo of rain and the growls of thunder are the only sounds for a small forever. Orochimaru buries his face in Kai's fur to hide from the fear and the rage that threatens to consume him. Sarutobi wishes he knew what he was supposed to do. 

He takes the coward's way out and leaves Orochimaru alone.

 

**~oOo~**

 

"Eh? Are you sure this is it, Sasuke?” 

Naruto looks all around him- there's nothing but trees and the sounds of animals scurrying around in the twilight. No hint of human habitation, and certainly no sign of the Sannin. 

"Just shut up for a minute." 

Sasuke reaches a hand into the dense forest underbrush, sinking up to his elbow while he rummages around.

"It's always such a pain in the ass to find- here." 

He grabs hold of something and pulls. A heavy trap door opens with a low creak, revealing a steep staircase descending down into pitch darkness. Sasuke brushes the dirt off his pants and holds a hand out for Sakura to take. 

"Just watch out for snakes."

Naruto follows the pair of them down into the dark. The stairs seem never-ending, and it takes ages for them to reach the end. They're at last deposited at the beginning of a long hallway, just as dark and foreboding as the stairs. 

"Sasuke-kun, you lived here?" Sakura marvels, squeezing his hand tighter. "It's so creepy." 

"When you're fucked in the head like I am there's a lot you learn to live with," Sasuke responds, half-joking. He fumbles along the wall until he finds the light switch.

 "So where's Orochimaru?" Naruto demands.

 "Hell if I know for sure. I didn't keep track of him every second of the day."

Their conversation is abruptly cut off by a small meow. From around the corner, a small, ragged white cat emerges, bright green eyes glowing in the dimness. It spots Sasuke and darts up to him, rubbing against his legs and purring loudly. 

"...a cat?" Naruto grumbles. 

"Aww, it's cute!"

Sakura grins and picks up the tiny creature. The cat mewls and continues to purr. Despite its happiness, the small patches of reddish fur above its eyes make it look rather stern.

"You guys had a cat?" Naruto asks, eyebrow shooting upward. 

"It's Juugo's," Sasuke corrects him. 

The cat hops out of Sakura's arms and resumes rubbing itself on Sasuke. 

"Well he really seems to like you," Sakura giggles. Sasuke only rolls his eyes, as the cat continues to lavish him in affection. 

"Hey Kimimaro, while you're here, why don't you take us to Orochimaru?"

"He named the cat Kimimaro?" 

(Naruto had nearly forgotten about him- that fight felt like a lifetime ago.) 

"They were friends," Sasuke says with a shrug, and offers nothing more.

Kimimaro meows once more, swishing his black-tipped tail as he leads them through the labyrinthian corridors.

He sits in front of the door to the library, pawing at it and turning verdant eyes toward Sasuke. Sasuke rolls his eyes and crouches down to scratch the cat behind the ears. The animal rolls over onto his back to make Sasuke rub his belly. Sasuke indulges the cat very briefly, then stands up and opens the door without knocking.

The library is far better lit than the rest of the building. Shelves upon shelves of books and scrolls; vast, cushioned chairs and tables scattered with paper and pens fill up most of what's left of the floor.

At first, the three of them don't notice Orochimaru amongst the clutter.

 He looks absolutely dreadful. Dressed in crumpled black pajamas, he's curled up in one of the chairs looking like he might be sick at any moment. He peers up at them through curtains of tangled black hair, looking thoroughly disinterested. Kimimaro hops into his lap and curls into a little ball, purring away contentedly.

"If you're here for advice on decorating the nursery, now's not a great time."

"You're drunk," Sakura accuses, eyeing the half-empty bottle in his hand (along with the three others on the floor).

"Oh, I'd say I'm halfway there," Orochimaru replies, making a dismissive 'so-so' gesture with his free hand. 

"Can we stop screwing around?!" Naruto snaps, losing his tiny bit of patience. "I need to talk to you!" 

"Whatever for, Naruto-kun?" Orochimaru slurs his words a little when he speaks.

"You know why!"

Orochimaru grasps the bridge of his nose and sighs.

"Right, right. Maybe you should sit."

Naruto takes the seat directly across from the man, fists clenched and teeth gritted. Sakura shares a seat with Sasuke, leaning against him and watching Orochimaru hawkishly. The look she gives him is very much the kind Tsunade often wore. That look of one trying so very hard to be brave.

(She's still afraid of him. That's his fault, he supposes.)

"Well, what do you want to hear?"

"Everything!" Naruto demands. "I wanna know what the hell's going on, from start to finish dattebayo! And no bullshit either!"

Sasuke doesn't say anything, but he doesn't have to; Orochimaru knows the boy only has one thing on his mind. He takes a long drink to gather himself.

"I'm sure you've noticed," he begins, "that war has a habit of leaving a lot of orphans behind. I couldn't count how many children have been left alone in the world after their parents laid down their lives in the name of some so-called noble cause. I'm sure you've also noticed-" he takes another drink- "that children rely on their parents to protect them. Without them, children are too often left to defend themselves."

Sasuke's grip on Sakura's shoulder tightens a fraction. Naruto's blond brow knits together.

"The problem that arose was simple- what to do with this constant flood of children who were too young to properly care for themselves. Most of us met our ends as cannon fodder, but the problem was what to do with those of us strong enough to survive."

"Us?" Sakura asks.

"The war orphans, dear," Orochimaru says gently.

Sakura presses her lips into a thin line; in truth, it was hard to think about someone like Orochimaru ever having parents- or ever being a child, for that matter.

(If she was honest with herself, she had to admit she'd just assumed, in the back of her mind, that Orochimaru had merely sprung into being one day, just as he is-however silly the notion may be.)

"Time went on, however, and a certain few elect of Konoha realized some of us had a better use."

Orochimaru takes a particularly long drink to build his courage.

"A select number of us were gifted in more than the ways of combat. Gifted with pretty faces and clever minds that knew how to talk our way into what we wanted. A precocious few who figured out the world of the elders around us. That, more than anything, I think, terrified them."

"Who's 'them'?" Naruto inquires.

"The upper echelons of the great villages- the Daimyo and their advisors, and anyone clever enough to weasel their way into their good graces. The ones who meet in shadowy rooms behind the Kage's backs to make the real decisions."

Another drink, and the now-empty bottle of sake is cast aside. Orochimaru adjusts his posture so he's sitting properly. Kimimaro huffs and hops off his lap, scampering off between shelves. 

"Of course, this sort of dark business has always been a fact of life. But it hadn't been nearly as well-organized or coldly systematic as it became. And it was all put into place right under Hashirama's nose."

Orochimaru pauses to regard these three-children?- no, not anymore. But they aren’t adults- no, not yet.

Naruto is trembling with his growing outrage. Sasuke's hand has worked its way to grab his lover's shoulder; it’s shaking so badly he can barely get a grip. Sakura looks so mortified she might die.

"If he'd known, he would have squashed it before it could begin." He continues. "He was too moral, too decent of a man- if he'd known it would have eaten him alive. So it became Konoha's best-kept secret. Children were traded for favors and politics, sent off without even knowing what awaited us."

"But why?" Sakura pries, her voice weak from horror.

"It was justified as a way to solve diplomatic issues without violence. What's the body of one child compared to the thousands to be slaughtered if fighting comes? It's easy to talk yourself out of guilt when you reduce humans to mere numbers. Besides- who would miss us? We had no family. No blood ties who would mourn us if we died. We only existed as a list of names in a book hundreds of pages long."

"Why didn't anyone say anything?!" Naruto demands, nearly leaping to his feet.

"If you find out what a person can’t bear to lose, you can make them do whatever you want."

He pauses again, massaging his temples to stave of an oncoming headache.

"'You love Tsunade, don’t you? We know you wouldn't want anything to happen to her.'" He scratches behind Kimimaro's fluffy ears for some vague comfort. "'Jiraiya is your friend, isn’t he? Be a good boy and keep your mouth shut, and he’ll be kept safe.' So I kept my mouth shut, and they were protected, kept away from any unfortunate  _accidents_ that could have come their way- they were safe, and all it cost me was my soul."

He waves his hand as if to brush it all off.

"Of course- eventually they became paranoid that someone would eventually speak up- these sorts of things aren't unheard of, after all. So they told me to find a way to make sure they stay shut up."

Mechanically, almost without thinking, Orochimaru makes a few hand signs.

“Even if they desperately wanted to, whatever poor soul silenced with that jutsu couldn’t say a word about what they’d endured. I was told to make sure of that."

"...Is that what happened to Itachi?"

All eyes turn toward Sasuke, who has finally broken his silence. His face is blank and stony, but it's impossible not to feel the anger radiating off him.

"Your brother was a special case," Orochimaru admits. "Normally children with surviving parents were left alone; parents are nosy, and tend not to take kindly to their children being abused in such a way. But little Itachi-kun was too special to pass up."

Sasuke's body grows tense.

"Itachi-kun was born rather ill, you see. For the first few days it was doubtful he'd even make it out of the cradle, let alone grow old enough to inherit the Uchiha clan. Right from the beginning I think even your parents assumed he would die young."

"How do you know that?!" Sasuke growls.

"I'm nosy," Orochimaru responds. "If you know who to listen to you can find out anything you want to know."

Black eyes fix onto gold ones in a silent command to continue.

"Of course, he survived, although, from what I've gathered, his health was always fragile. He was a skilled shinobi nonetheless; I'm sure I don't have to tell you that. His list of achievements in that regard were quite impressive. However-"

Orochimaru brushes his hair from his face and tucks it behind his ear.

"There was always the debate over what should be done about him."

"What does that mean?"

"Itachi-kun terrified Danzo and the others," Orochimaru answers. "He had the sort of strength other shinobi only dream of. If he was that powerful as a frail little child, what sort of man could he grow into? He was a bird they had to capture and tame, or else he would grow up wild. Power like that _had_ to be controlled.”

(Sasuke looks fit to break something.)

“So, they allowed the unspeakable be done to him. They didn't so much break his wings as tear them clean from the poor bird's back and burn them before his eyes."

He runs his fingers through his hair (his hands are shaking slightly).

"It was drilled into his head the way it was drilled into all of ours- loyalty. Loyalty to the village and only the village. Friends and family ties don't matter anymore. Your loyalty must be toward Konoha and Konoha alone. And loyalty toward Konoha means loyalty toward the higher-ups that allowed you to be hurt in such a despicable way. If I'd been around at the time, I'm sure they'd have me use him as a lab rat the same way they made me use those other children."

Whether Sasuke is about to scream or cry, it's hard to tell. He clings to his lover like he'd drown if he let her go.

"Of course, Itachi-kun never quite became the perfect little pawn they wanted." Orochimaru smiles just a fraction.

"Why?"

"Because of you, Sasuke-kun."

There's a moment of tense silence. Kimimaro reemerges from the bookshelves, sits at Orochimaru's feet, and starts grooming his paws.

"Itachi-kun adored you. I'm sure you know that. From the moment you were born, you possessed that boy far more than Danzo or any of his cronies could ever dream. He became determined that he would become Hokage and change everything, so that the brother he loved so dearly could live in a world better than the one he had to endure."

Orochimaru laughs- whether because he thought it was actually funny or he was just too drunk to care was anyone's guess.

 "If there came a time where Itachi-kun had to choose between you and Konoha, he would've burned the whole village to the ground. I have no doubt about that."

"...You sure know a lot about him," Sakura says, suspicion tinging her voice.

"I like to keep tabs on people I find interesting. If nothing else, I'd say Itachi-kun was certainly that. We were in Akatsuki together for a time, as well. I got curious- it’s only natural."

Orochimaru gets up to make another raid on the liquor cabinet; as if there was enough alcohol in the world to make talking about this shit okay.

He pops the top off another bottle while he keeps talking.

"Of course, he and I are just two of many. Not very important in the grand scheme of things- we just happened to end up making a lot of noise."

"Who else is there?!" Naruto implores, shaking head to foot and ready to burst from rage.

"Oh, hell if I know every one of them. Kabuto, Sasori, Deidara-kun, Nonou-san...They tried it with Kakashi, but-"

Orochimaru snorts with mirth against his better judgement.

"He killed the man they sent him to, so nobody dared to try again."

Despite the tense atmosphere, Sakura lets out a bit of uncomfortable laughter.

"That sounds like something Kakashi-sensei would do," she mumbles.

Only Kimimaro the cat's soft purring fills the air for a few minutes after that. Naruto is deep in contemplation, staring at his fists as if they held all the answers he needed. Orochimaru watches him with vague interest, pacing the floor while bringing himself ever closer to that blessed territory of 'shitfaced drunk'.

(So, _this_ is why Tsunade was so fond of alcohol.)

"...So," Sasuke says tersely, finally breaking the silence. "You knew all this shit, for all this time, and you never thought it was important for me to know?"

"Would you have believed a word of it?"

The boy grits his teeth like he wants to retort, but can't think of anything to say.

"That dear brother of yours never wanted you to know. You were supposed to be kept in the dark about everything. You know that."

Sasuke growls like a cornered animal.

"Since when have you given a damn about shit like that?!"

 

“-Itachi-kun was a man who very seldom got what he wanted. I'm cruel, sure- but not so cruel I would deny him that. He wanted to take his secrets to the grave- so, I let him."

Sasuke bows his head. He draws great, shaking breaths to regain himself, while Sakura rubs circles on his back, murmuring soothing words to him.

"You need to come home."

All attention turns toward Naruto.

"Beg your pardon?"

"You need to come home!" Naruto repeats, meeting Orochimaru's gaze for the first time since they arrived.

Orochimaru stops pacing, confusion written on his face.

"Have you lost your mind?!" Sasuke hisses, but Naruto ignores him.

"You don't have to be a bad guy anymore! Things are better- you can come back!"

Orochimaru cackles, ice cold and saturnine.

"Do you suppose people would welcome me back with open arms after all these years?"

"I'll make them understand! They have to!" Naruto leaps to his feet.

"Why? Because you're Hokage now? You can't fix everything, even with that cute new title."

"What about Granny?!" Naruto clamors. His eyes are welled up with tears, his voice cracking dangerously when he speaks. "You care about her, don't you?! Don't you miss her at all?!"

Orochimaru ponders his words for a moment.

"All things considered, the less Tsunade has to do with me, the better off she'll be," Orochimaru replies dismissively. "I've caused her enough grief for a lifetime."

"So you just wanna stay a lonely bastard the rest of your life?!" Naruto hollers, growing more agitated by the second.

 

"Naruto- calm down."

Sakura gets up and puts a hand on his shoulder. She grips it firmly, but kindly- the kind of hold that says _I love you, but I'm gonna kick your ass if you don't stop._

(Tsunade had grabbed his and Jiraiya's shoulders like that countless times before.)

Naruto draws a few huge, shaky breaths. Orochimaru lets out a sigh of his own.

"People like me are better off alone, Naruto-kun."

"What does that even _mean_?!" Naruto is crying in earnest now.

"Those of us cursed to bring misfortune to anyone who dares to get close. The best we can hope to do is bare our teeth and hope others stay away- and pray those we can't help but love don't get hurt too badly."

He smiles at the boy- a heartbreaking, bitter smile.

"Konoha isn't 'home.' Not for me. Not anymore."

Naruto lets out a loud, rather undignified sob. He wipes his face on his sleeve and tries to recompose himself.

"It isn't fair," he whimpers.

"Life is seldom fair."

Naruto gives Orochimaru a childishly sad look.

"Why did you tell me?"

"Because I hope you can things differently."

A chortle turns into a sob halfway through.

Orochimaru will forever tell himself that he is merely drunk, and that's the reason why he is crying alongside this stupid, hapless, naive boy. He'll blame the sake so he doesn't have to feel embarrassed while he cries for the first time in nearly twenty years. He'll blame it so Sasuke's look of utter shock won't be quite so humiliating when he thinks on it later.

"There are far too many people like me. My hope is maybe, finally- it can come to an end. Maybe a day can come, where the world isn't run on dirty secrets."

He lays a hand on Naruto's shoulder, and looks at this reckless, kind, honest boy who stands crying before him.

"Make the world better, little Hokage.."

Naruto glares as if he can't decide if he's just been insulted.

"I will! Just you watch me!"

(There it is. That determination that so annoys and fascinates him. That strength of will Orochimaru wishes he had.)

Out of nowhere, Naruto throws his arms around him and crushes him in a hug that makes Orochimaru's ribs creak dangerously.

"And someday I'll drag your sorry ass back too! Because nobody deserves to be alone- even rotten old snakes like you!"

Orochimaru opts to say nothing- he wouldn't have the breath to speak anyway.

_Poor Naruto-kun. That noble heart of yours will be the death of you._

  
  
  



	8. Don't Run Away!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone else remember that guy from the first Kage Summit that looked a lot like Orochimaru?
> 
> I remember that guy.

**~oOo~**

Orochimaru regards his reflection in the mirror; the longer he looks, the more disgusted he becomes.

He hates every last thing he sees in that mirror. He hates that pallid skin that bruises oh so easily. The yellow eyes that frighten others and the rings underneath which betray just how little he sleep he's been getting. He hates that delicate face that makes him look oh-so vulnerable.

Hates this fragile body that couldn't fight off his violator, still too thin from malnutrition, too weak to do anything meaningful.

As if his hand had a mind of its own, it works its way upward, fingers intertwining in locks of his hair.

Long hair. Shiny hair. Dark hair. Pretty hair.

Hair that brings back distant, foggy memories of a woman with a face much like his, and long, shiny black hair of her own. A quiet, somber woman Orochimaru once called 'mother,' running her fingers through midnight tresses and cooing softly at him.

" _Such pretty hair,"_ she'd whisper gently, smiling a sad sort of smile he still remembers so vividly. " _Like a little birdie's feathers. Such a pretty boy. My pretty boy."_

Tears sting the corners of his eyes, and he grips the sink basin tightly to stop himself from shaking.

Different memories creep their way in. A man, far too old. Far too strong- far stronger than Orochimaru.

Pinning him down onto an unknown bed, tearing his clothing off. All pretense of civility forgotten, whispering obscene things against his ear, while greedy hands buried themselves in the hair which Tsunade had admonished him to treasure. His one vanity.

" _Such pretty hair. Just like a girl…"_

Orochimaru shuts his eyes, hoping against hope to block out the memories.

(It doesn't work).

Rough, uncaring hands- one holding his hair to keep him still, the other wandering to places a child should never be touched.

Despite his cries- despite his pleading- one hand pulled his hair taut, the other grabbing his hip hard enough to bruise. And-

-Orochimaru had been robbed.

Robbed of that last shred of innocence he still possessed.

(He didn't even know what sex _was_ before that night.)

Oh, how he had _screamed._

He begged and cried " _Stop, it hurts!"_ until his throat bled. No matter how he entreated for mercy, mercy didn't come. The man above him merely shoved his face into the mattress to stifle his voice, and plundered his body for something Orochimaru did not have to give.

The pain- oh, the pain was near unbearable. Red-hot and never-ending, a taste of hellfire that lasted eons. Orochimaru couldn't breathe properly buried in the cushions. He still couldn't draw breath properly even after he was released, thighs smeared with crimson, his body burning with an agony he'd never known before.

_Can't breathe...I can't breathe..._

(That horrible, awful, _terrible_ man told him he should feel lucky- that the kids like him get to live longer than the ones left alone.)

Orochimaru digs his fingernails into his scalp to bring himself back to the present. He can only manage short, shallow gasps of air, the tiny bathroom spinning around him.

His peripheral vision shows him a misplaced kunai, lying lonely in the corner of the bathroom. Orochimaru seizes it, bringing it shakily to his throat. He holds it there for a heartbeat or two, trying to muster the courage to do the deed.

...After maybe ten seconds like that, he realizes that he simply can't will himself to slash his own throat.

_I can't do it...I can't do it…_

Bile rises up inside his throat.

_Coward. I'm a coward._

He doesn't have it in him to kill himself. Not really, anyway. But his anger demands to be released somehow.

With a howl of rage, he grabs a fistful of his lovely dark hair, and, with a swift swipe of the kunai, hacks it off. He stares at the severed locks clenched in his hand, at first shocked by what this impulse has caused him to do. But, once that begins to fade, a grim satisfaction settles over him. He grabs another handful and hacks that off as well.

And another

And another

-And another after that.

In short order, the heavy ebony waterfall that weighed heavy on his back is nothing more than a pathetic puddle of ink on the tile. That thing which had been used to so thoroughly humiliate him is gone.

Hands shaking, Orochimaru reaches up to touch what's left on his head. What remains is choppy, uneven, and makes him look almost feral. Looking at his handiwork gives him an odd sense of satisfaction.

He can hear Sarutobi outside the door. Leaving the carnage on the floor, Orochimaru exits the bathroom after carefully composing his expression.

Sarutobi looks stunned for a moment.

"What did you do to your hair?!"

"I cut it." Is Orochimaru's blunt reply.

"Why did-"

"Because I wanted to."

Orochimaru tries to walk past Hiruzen, but the man grabs his shoulder to keep him there.

"What's wrong?" The man asks. The absolutely flummoxed expression Orochimaru gives him lets him know that he's asked a very foolish question.

Sarutobi sighs, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry-"

"Easy for you to say after it's been done!" Orochimaru hisses back at him.

"I know."

Sarutobi can't bear the sadness in those eyes. The small, mournful note that escapes the child.

"...it hurts," he whimpers, so pitifully that it pierces Hiruzen's heart.

He takes the boy into his arms and holds him there. To his surprise, Orochimaru doesn't push him away, although he makes no move to hug Hiruzen back. He allows himself to be held for a few precious moments, taking in whatever weak comfort Sarutobi has to offer.

"I'm so-"

"Don't talk right now," Orochimaru interrupts.

He allows Sarutobi to hold him a few seconds longer, then quietly pulls away.

"I'm leaving."

"Leaving where?"

"Tsunade wanted me to meet her family. Is that alright with you?"

The annoyed note in Orochimaru's voice tells Sarutobi that the question is purely rhetorical.

**~oOo~**

Tsunade isn't sure whether she wants to cry, scream, punch something, or do all three at once.

She stares at her half-full drink, but finds herself not interested in it in the slightest. She has a brief desire to pick it up and throw it against the wall, but doesn't much feel like cleaning broken glass out of the carpet. So she settles for merely glaring at the glass, like the alcohol within it was responsible for what she's just learned.

The words she's read swim in her mind, gnawing at her and causing an agony that bites down into her blood. She rubs her eyes with the heels of her hands, wishing there were a way to undo what she's just read.

If even _half_ of the things she's just read are true…

" _What are you planning to do if I heal your arms?"_

" _I'm going to crush the Hidden Leaf into dust."_

-Well. A few things certainly make more sense.

Tsunade drums her fingers against the table; what's she supposed to do from here?

 _Jiraiya would say I have to go to him,_ she thinks bitterly. _Talk to him and demand to know why he lied to me._

_Why he never told me...  
_

They had been best friends once. More than best friends; Orochimaru was her confidante, the person who, when her world came crashing down around her, was there to pick her up out of the rubble. Whether in the chaos of the battlefield or the safety of their home, he had always, without fail, been at her side (whether she'd wanted him there or not).

When Nawaki died, Orochimaru held her for hours while she cried helplessly, overwhelmed by a grief that threatened to consume her.

When Dan had been taken from her as well, he was there for her at ungodly hours of the night, listening to her rage and scream about the world's cruelty, all the while never saying a word himself.

Orochimaru wasn't like Jiraiya, with his clumsy hands and even clumsier words that failed to soothe her sorrow. Well intentioned as he was, Tsunade couldn't bear to be around Jiraiya in those moments.

Orochimaru had offered her no sympathetic words or comforting nonsense, because he knew that wasn't what Tsunade wanted to hear. He'd known that the most comforting thing was for him to just _be_ there-saying everything he needed to say, without even opening his mouth.

An arm around her shoulders to say " _I'm here for you."_ A hand over hers to say " _it's okay if you need to cry."_ A hug to say " _I'm not going anywhere."_

_So what went wrong?_

Sometimes, looking back, Tsunade wonders if maybe she'd been selfish back then. Maybe, if she hadn't been so steeped in her own misery, she could have noticed that she wasn't the only one who was hurting.

_But what could I have even done, if he never told me?  
_

**_Why_ ** _did he never tell me?_

Did he not trust her? Why wouldn't he? They had been friends…

" _You've always been twisted. Even when we were kids."_

She'd said that to him, but her own memories tell her that's a lie. The Orochimaru she remembers had been kind- at least, he was kind to those few lucky enough to be close to him.

And, at least, before things _really_ started going wrong.

_When was that, exactly?_

_(Fuck if I know.)_

Tsunade hands her head and starts gnawing at her thumbnail, trying to gather herself.

_I need to get an answer from him._

That's certainly something easier said than done. No doubt Orochimaru knew that Naruto would give this information to her. And now that she knew-

Would he even want her to see him?

Before she can dwell on the question for too long, she summons Katsuyu anyway.

"Yes, my lady?" the slug asks.

"I need you to hunt Orochimaru down again," Tsunade says. "Then come back and tell me where he is. But don't let him know I'm looking for him."

Her tone must be very grim indeed, because Katsuyu's expression is one of grave concern.

"My lady?"

"Please, just do it, Katsuyu."

"I...yes, my lady.'

A small _poof,_ and Tsunade is alone once again.

She should get dressed. Or something. Think about what she wants to say.

But really- what _can_ she say?

There's a lot of emotional garbage that has to be sorted through, and this is a situation that has to be handled with words.

Words. Those things Tsunade is no good with. As a matter of fact, she's simply dreadful with them (That's why she was never tasked to handle the more diplomatic missions). Where is she even supposed to begin?

She looks around her apartment, rubbing her temples and trying to gather herself.

She'll go see him tomorrow. Her head hurts too badly to make the trip right now.

If she'd known this is what her day would be like, she would have stayed in bed.

* * *

Tsunade finds Orochimaru in a rather well-hidden training field, dealing out punishment onto a poor wooden dummy.

Each vicious blow lands with a harsh _whack,_ coming down almost too quickly to distinguish one strike from the next. His bare chest heaves with great, gasping breaths, sweat plastering dark hair against his forehead; he's obviously been at this for some time.

Despite how much is on her mind, Tsunade can't help but notice that his pants are only staying up around his hips by sheer willpower (maybe he's been losing weight and hasn't noticed?). As soon as this crosses her mind, however, she mentally slaps herself across the face and tells herself to focus on what she came here for.

Tsunade jumps off the ledge into the training ground, grabbing Orochimaru's attention by snatching his wrist.

"You're getting sloppy in your old age," she chides, with an attempt at a grin.

Orochimaru snorts derisively.

"You got lucky."

He pulls back and aims a kick at her. She ducks out of the way and strikes back.

Their sparring is surprisingly lighthearted. Almost nostalgic; it even brings a playful smile to Orochimaru's face.

"You're slowing down," he teases.

"Yeah, I might've let myself get a little out of shape," Tsunade admits, through heavy pants.

He ducks a kick- she dodges his fist.

"Did you come to see me just for a workout?"

"Naruto came to my apartment yesterday."

Orochimaru freezes up long enough for Tsunade to deliver a swift punch to the gut. The man crumbles to the ground, spluttering and coughing.

"As a matter of fact," Tsunade continues, "he gave me some stuff that was pretty concerning. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about."

Orochimaru flops into a seated position, grumbling and rubbing his already bruising abdomen. He refuses to make eye contact with her.

"Why didn't you say anything?!" Tsunade demands. "Why didn't you _tell_ me?!"

"By the time I was in a position to tell you, things had gotten a bit complicated," Orochimaru mutters. "At a certain point, coming clean and telling the truth isn't much of an option anymore."

"The fuck is that supposed to mean?!"

"Think about it for a moment, Tsunade." Orochimaru's tone is that of an impatient parent trying to explain something to a child. "If I had walked up to you and told you what had happened- would you have believed any of it?"

Tsunade growls, but doesn't give an answer.

"I'm the bad guy, remember? I was the one who did horrible things to kidnapped children. I'm the one who got wrapped up in fucked-up experiments because I couldn't _bear_ the thought that I was going to die one day. Isn't that the line Sarutobi-sensei fed you and Jiraiya? It'd ruin his little narrative if you found out what he put me through."

He hisses the name _Sarutobi_ like it's acid on his tongue.

"He lied just as much as I did. He lied because he couldn't face what he'd allowed to happen. He couldn't admit what happened- even to himself."

His hands curl into fists. A growl bubbles out of Tsunade's throat.

"I can't blame you for believing the lies. After all, nobody would take someone like our Sensei for a liar."

Orochimaru rises to his feet, finally meeting Tsunade's gaze. His eyes lock on hers, narrowed with disgust.

"The information I shared with Naruto-kun is just _one_ of Konoha's dirty little secrets."

"...What do you mean?"

"I mean everything I ever did, I did under strict orders from Konoha's elders. Right in front of Sarutobi-sensei; sometimes even with his blessing."

Tsunade's amber eyes grow wide. She bows her head; it's her turn to avoid his gaze.

"...You mean-"

"Those children who went missing. Everyone who died. The experiments I conducted- Danzo and the other old bats knew full well what I was up to. They egged me on, giving me access to data and resources I couldn't even dream of on my own. In fact, most of the time, they were the ones who _insisted_ I do it. Even our sensei didn't know the half of what was going on by the end of it. Then again, I don't think he really wanted to know."

The world around Tsunade starts to wobble; Orochimaru waits for her to steady herself before he continues.

"I cooperated, because I was afraid. I was afraid, because it wasn't _my_ life that was on the line if I refused."

His voice cracks dangerously.

"No matter how awful things got, no matter what I had to endure- no matter who else got harmed- I kept my silence. I kept my silence because the very thought of any harm coming to the people I care about made me sick inside."

Tsunade feels the sudden warmth of Orochimaru's hand on her cheek.

"Look at me, Tsunade.

His finger hooks under her chin and gently coaxes her head up. 

His gold eyes are a tempest of emotions. There's anger there. Frustration. Agony. Fear. Regret.

But most of all, there is sorrow.

"If it was my life they had threatened, it wouldn't have mattered. I would have died, and died without complaint, if that's what it took to put a stop to everything. But they never threatened _me._ "

His words come in a rushed sort of way, like he can't draw enough breath. 

"-I couldn't bear the thought of anything happening to you. To Jiraiya. Or my students."

His hand takes on a mind of its own, wandering from her cheek into her blonde hair.

"Nothing else mattered. Nobody else mattered. If you were safe- if Jiraiya was safe- if my students were safe- what happened to the rest was meaningless. Fuck Konoha, fuck Sarutobi, fuck Danzo and Koharu and Homura, and fuck everything else, so long as _my_ world was protected."

A weak smile briefly ghosts across his face.

"I'm selfish like that, I suppose."

Tsunade tries to swallow, but her throat is full of sand and fire.

"...So why tell the truth _now?"_ She chokes, feeling dizzy.

"Because I very nearly lost you."

Orochimaru suddenly seizes her by the shoulders; Tsunade finally notices that he's trembling.

"Do you know how it made me feel, seeing you in that horrid state?" He asks, barely audible. "If I had could even a moment later...you would have…"

Phantom pain crosses Tsunade's abdomen- that memory that haunts her dreams. That moment she'd been split in half by Madara.

(She never stopped to think about how that must have looked.)

"I've been haunted since that day. Seeing you so near death- knowing you could've died, still hating me...it hurts worse than anything."

Tsunade grits her teeth.

"...I never hated you, you idiot!" she growls, grabbing his wrists with enough force to bruise them.

"I hate what you did back then!" She shouts, unsure whether to be sad or furious. I hate that you kept this from me for all this time! I hate that you ran off without an explanation! I hate that you lied! I hate everything you've done- but not you...you fucking idiot!"

She nearly breaks his wrists with the strength of her grip, but he doesn't so much as flinch.

"You didn't even say goodbye to me!"

Tsunade feels so childish saying that, but when the words pass her lips, she can finally put her finger on that feeling boiling inside her all these years. Hot tears well up, dangerously threatening to spill over.

"...You didn't even say goodbye…"

"I'm sorry," Orochimaru mumbles.

He extricates his arms from her grasp. Then, hesitating for just a moment, he wraps them around her, and pulls her in close. He squeezes her tightly, burying his face in the crook of her neck.

"What are you-"

She almost shoves him away, but suddenly seems to have lost all her strength. Her shaking hands hover aimlessly for a heartbeat or two; she gathers her courage to return his embrace.

They stand like this for exactly three hundred fifty-six heartbeats, the soft breeze the only thing to break the silence.

Orochimaru's skin is warm, still damp from sweat. He clings to her much like a frightened child might cling to their mother.

"I wanted to tell you," Orochimaru finally murmurs against her neck. "I was in too deep- I knew everything was going wrong. I wanted to stop everything. I wanted to…"

"Why didn't you?"

"Nawaki died before I could gather the courage. I didn't have the heart to add to your grief, so I bit my tongue. Then when you lost your beloved, so soon after that...I lost my nerve."

Tsunade's long fingernails bite into the bare flesh of Orochimaru's back.

"So you decided to lie to me."

"I decided to protect you."

Orochimaru's grip tightens around her.

"You had more than enough on your mind. I would rather have shut my mouth and burned on my own than drag you down into the fire with me."

Silence prevails for another five-hundred heartbeats. Orochimaru presses his lips against the juncture where Tsunade's neck meets her collarbone.

"They needed somebody to be the villain. Someone to take the blame and bear everyone's hatred if the truth finally came out. And it just so happened that I was perfect for the roll. When I found out what they'd decided for me- I decided I would play the part as best I could. And now- now it's far too late to undo everything I've done."

Tsunade makes a sound halfway between a sob and a whimper.

"You idiot…"

"I'm sorry."

He presses another kiss against her collarbone. Then one against the side of her neck. Then her jaw. Then, finally, he captures her lips with his.

And...Tsunade lets him do it.

There's a desperation in the way he kisses her; it feels, in an odd way, like a drowning man gasping for air.

It lasts a long time, but not long enough. When Orochimaru breaks it off, he pulls away, taking three steps backward (is he afraid she'll be mad at him?).

"...I'm sorry," he says, yet again.

Tsunade stands dumbstruck for a minute, then shakes her head.

"...No- don't apologize."

(She pretends it's the sun making her cheeks so hot, and not the fact that she's blushing.)

"...So you really meant it, huh?"

"I'm not _always_ lying."

Tsunade glances on the ground, then back at him. Orochimaru's gaze is fixed on her, trying to read her emotions.

"I'm sorry, Tsunade. I told myself I wouldn't…"

He wrings his hands anxiously. It brings back memories of their childhood, when he lacked the easy confidence he grew into. It's almost cute.

"You're better off without me. I know that. But it seems like I can't stay away from you."

Tsunade's mind moves at a million miles a second. She wants to respond- but what can she say? He's told her so much she doesn't know how to begin to process everything.

"-I don't _want_ you to stay away," she finally responds.

Orochimaru blinks, dumbstruck. Tsunade lets out a cackle at his expression.

"You're supposed to be the smart one!" She snaps at him. "Think it over for a second! I'm a miserable, depressed alcoholic with a gambling problem and probably the world's worst anger issues! Obviously I'm perfectly capable of fucking up my own life without you, so don't flatter yourself!"

She wants to hit him so badly her fists ache.

"I'm not letting you run away. I'm not losing anyone else I care about. So don't fucking act like you can just walk out on me and expect me to be okay with it."

Orochimaru frowns, unsure if he's actually hearing her right. But Tsunade gives no indication that she's joking. As a matter of fact, he's never seen her look so dead serious.

"If you still love me like you did back then, you're not going to run away. Never again."

Orochimaru shakes his head and sighs, accepting defeat.

"I guess I have no choice, then."

He cringes from pain, rubbing the now brilliantly purple bruise on his abdomen. Tsunade huffs and moves closer to him.

"I might've hit you too hard."

"Maybe just a little," Orochimaru chuckles.

She lays a hand over the bruise, focusing healing chakra into her fingers. The bruise changes colors, then fades away entirely.

"Hey- wasn't this longer the last time I saw you?" She asks, grabbing a fistful of Orochimaru's hair with a sly expression.

"I may or may not have accidentally caught it on fire the other day," Orochimaru responds, rather sheepishly.

"So you're still a klutz, eh? I guess people really don't ever change."

"Some things, I suppose."

Orochimaru pulls her in for another hug, because it feels like the right thing to do.

"God, I missed you."

Tsunade lets out a resigned sigh.

"Me too," she answers. "Maybe just a little."

**~oOo~**

Tsunade's jaw drops when she meets Orochimaru at the door to her home.

"Your _hair!"_ She proclaims. "What did you _do_?!"

Orochimaru reaches up into the mangled mess of his hair.

"I uh...I cut it?" He mutters, turning red in the face.

Tsunade looks startlingly close to crying.

"But it was so pretty…Maru, how could you?!"

Suddenly, Orochimaru feels quite guilty.

:...It'll grow back," he mumbles.

"And you're not cutting it again!" Tsunade insists petulantly. "I'll never forgive you if you do!"

Orochimaru flinches.

"Y-yeah," he croaks.

"Good! Now come inside!"

Tsunade grabs the sleeve of his shirt and half-drags him over the threshold.

"Mom! Orochimaru's here!"

She leads him to the kitchen, where Tsunade's mother is pouring out tea. A very stern-looking man with stark white hair is seated at the table, going through papers and not paying much attention to anything else.

Tsunade's mother does a double-take, taking a second to register that this is the same dirty, ragged boy she'd met so briefly in the graveyard years ago.

Orochimaru bows slightly, forcing a smile onto his face.

"Thank you for having me over," he says, in a carefully polite tone.

The woman beams at him.

"Of course. Why don't you two sit down and have tea with us?"

Orochimaru kneels at the right side of the table. Tsunade heads for the left, stopping to wrap her arms around the white-haired man.

"Tobi-ojii, aren't you gonna say hi?"

The man glances up from his papers, looking thoroughly disinterested at first. He takes a look at the boy at the table with him, and quirks an eyebrow.

"I think Hashirama would've liked to meet him," Tobirama says offhandedly, addressing Tsunade's mother instead of him.

"Oh?" she asks, sitting down for tea with the rest of them.

"He's a carbon-copy of Yashagoro."

"Who's Yashagoro?" Tsunade chirps, taking a seat beside him.

"Oh, just some mutual friend of him and Madara. He came with the first Mizukage at the first summit, then met some girl and ended up staying in Konoha."

"I'm not sure I really remember him?" Her mother says, tapping her jaw with a finger and jogging her memory.

"I think he died before you were born," Tobirama replies, going back to writing on his papers. "I don't remember how- I just know it was pretty sudden."

Orochimaru stares into his teacup, the wheels in his mind starting to turn.

 _Yashagoro._ That name sounded so familiar. He thinks his mother may have said it once.

_Was he my grandfather?  
_

He doesn't ask, because Tobirama is terrifying and he doubts he's brave enough to speak to him.

A tiny hand tugs on his shirt sleeve, a string of half-coherent babble breaking Orochimaru from his trance.

A little boy with a round face and chubby limbs beams at him, still babbling away.

The baby's little face screws in concentration. He reaches out and yanks _hard_ on Orochimaru's hair.

"Ow!"

"Nawaki, be polite!" Tsunade chides, though she giggles when she says it. "Orochimaru is my friend!"

Nawaki pauses, then starts smacking Orochimaru's cheek.

"Orochin!" He squeals. "Orochin! Orochin!"

"I think Nawaki likes you," Tsunade's mother laughs.

"I uh- I think so, too," Orochimaru mumbles.

Tsunade gets up and pulls Nawaki away.

"Don't be so rude!" She faux-scolds. Nawaki beats on her shoulder with tiny fists.

"Neechan no!" He squawks. "Neechan no! Down! Down!"

Tsunade manages to keep her grip, despite her brother's incessant squirming and garbled protests.

One of the baby's fat little legs knocks Tsunade's tea over, spilling over Tobirama's paperwork. Tobirama grumbles in protest, lifting the dripping wet sheets off the table.

"Oh, Nawaki!"

Tsunade's mother takes the child in one arm while the other fishes for a towel to clean up the spilled tea.

Orochimaru can't help but laugh.

_This is what having a family is like…_

_...It's nice.  
_

 


	9. Will of Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the chapter that prolly had the most reworking in its migration over to Ao3. Dunno why.

**~oOo~**

Impatience is written in Orochimaru's scowl as he bangs on Jiraiya's door.

"We're going to be late!" He calls into the run-down apartment. "Hurry up already!"

_I swear if he's still asleep-_

His train of thought is interrupted by the muffled sound of Jiraiya shouting as he approaches the door.

"-And I swear to god, if you spend our rent money on hookers and booze _again_ , I'm gonna cut your fucking dick off! I don't feel like sleeping in the fucking streets because of you!"

Orochimaru blinks in surprise. _  
_

Jiraiya's face is fixed in a very unflattering expression, his hair and clothes unkempt as always.

"We're supposed to meet up with Sarutobi-sensei in fifteen minutes, remember?" Orochimaru scolds.

"Yeah, yeah. I remember- keep yer panties on."

Jiraiya grabs his mission bag off the floor, giving Orochimaru a peek into the (frankly disgusting) interior of Jiraiya's apartment. Empty liquor bottles and boxes of old takeout cover every flat surface; strange stains and mysterious holes litter the walls.

The man Orochimaru assumes is Jiraiya's father is a disheveled looking man with a scruffy face and greasy hair and a sleazy grin.

"S'is that cute teammate you told me about?" The man slurs. "She's cute~"

" _He's_ Orochimaru!" Jiraiya rebuts, shutting his eyes and turning beet red. "My _god_ you're so fucking embarrassing!"

 _What a way to talk to your own father_ , Orochimaru marvels to himself.

The man says more, but Jiraiya slams the door shut behind him with far more force than was necessary (or decent, given the early hour), muffling the rest.

"And he wonders why mom ran off," he grumbles, more to himself than to Orochimaru.

Orochimaru says nothing, opting to instead quietly lead the way to their meeting place.

Jiraiya's stomach growls obnoxiously. Orochimaru raises an eyebrow, but, again, says nothing.

"Bastard spent our food money for the week," Jiraiya mutters, once more flushing with humiliation.

Orochimaru ponders these words. Then, he stops in front of a small stand selling onigiri and anpan- pretty much the only thing open this early.

"What're you doing? You said we're gonna be late-"

Not acknowledging Jiraiya, Orochimaru buys two onigiri and one of the steaming-hot anpan. Again without words, he hands an onigiri to Jiraiya.

"Eh?!"

"It'll be a pain if your whining stomach gives us away on our mission," is Orochimaru's blunt reply. "So eat."

He tears the anpan down the center and offers Jiraiya the larger half.

Jiraiya pouts, but he devours the breakfast given to him.

"...Thanks," he grumbles once he's finished, wiping a stray grain of rice from the corner of his mouth.

Orochimaru gives the barest hint of the smile.

"We're teammates. We're supposed to look after each other."

Jiraiya crosses his arms, muttering something Orochimaru can't hear.

"Hm?"

"...none of your damn business."

Tsunade scolds them for their tardiness when they arrive at the meeting place, but her words don't reach Orochimaru's ears.

Standing alongside Sarutobi, as stern and intimidating as ever, is Danzo. He regards Orochimaru with a cold detachment. A detachment that makes Orochimaru angry.

(How _dare_ he look at Orochimaru with those heartless eyes? How _dare_ he look at Orochimaru like he doesn't matter?! Orochimaru is so furious he wants to hit that horrible man, but he knows he has to swallow his rage.)

"Sarutobi-san. Shimura-san. Hokage-sama and the others are ready to go."

Orochimaru comes back to reality.

A handsome, dark-haired man appears seemingly out of nowhere. His uniform bears the crest of the Uchiha clan- a crest often seen amongst the higher-ranking shinobi.

(Unlike most of the Uchiha Orochimaru saw around, however, this man's black hair is so wild and so curly it almost threatens to eat any comb that came near it. It's so unruly it almost looks like a bird's nest.)

"We're coming, Kagami."

Sarutobi gives a fake smile to his students.

"You three know your half of the mission. We'll do our part, so please do your best."

Jiraiya grins and flashes a thumb's up.

"We got this!"

"Yeah!" Tsunade declares, echoing Jiraiya's confidence. "Count on us!"

Orochimaru musters a feeble nod.

"Come back safely, Sarutobi-sensei," he says, though his words ring hollow.

"Of course Sensei's gonna come back safely!" Tsunade insists. "He's gonna have Tobirama-oji with him!"

"That's right!" Sarutobi chuckles. "We'll be seeing each other again soon!"

Orochimaru chews on his bottom lip, but this is the only sign of his anxiety he betrays.

Tsunade briefly grabs his hand and gives it a quick squeeze.

"It's gonna be fine."

(He wishes he could believe her.)

**~oOo~**

_What the hell am I doing?_

Tsunade's brain keeps playing this line on repeat. Reminding her of the words she'd so sternly given to Sakura not a week ago. The line about not hanging around Sasuke because she thought she could fix him with hugs or whatever.

Yet, here she is now, in Orochimaru's library, on one of Orochimaru's enormous overstuffed armchairs, with Orochimaru's head in her lap and her fingers in his hair.

Because, despite the more rational part of her screaming at her that it's impossible, she wishes she _could_ fix him.

(It must be the Medic part of her. That's what she'll tell herself, anyway, because it's _the absolute acme of stupidity_ to think you can change anyone.)

Orochimaru seems to be hovering somewhere between sleep and waking, a serene expression on his face. Tsunade can't remember ever seeing him look so content. He looks almost innocent like this, while Tsunade idly strokes silken black hair.

She doesn't say anything- not that anything really needs to be said. Besides, words would just ruin the calm of this moment between them.

She'd used to let Dan lay his head in her lap, just like this. And he'd often let out a happy little sigh- like Orochimaru just did.

This is making her uncomfortable, and yet she somehow doesn't dislike it.

Orochimaru seeks out her hand, grasping it as delicately as if it were some precious porcelain artifact. He brings it to his lips and kisses it lovingly once, twice. Presses it against his cheek with a soft, pleased sort of sound.

"What's gotten into you?" Tsunade half-laughs.

"I'm happy," is Orochimaru's reply.

Tsunade's legs are falling asleep from being folded underneath her for so long. But the pins and needles in her legs don't bother her so much. Tucked away in this quiet alcove of Orochimaru's library, this discomfort isn't quite so bad.

She leans deeper into the plush love seat; Orochimaru nuzzles her much like a cat might. He opens his eyes and looks up at her, smiling as innocently as a child smiling up at its mother.

(Where did that innocence come from? Surely they'd both lost their innocence long ago- trading it in for the people they are now.)

"My memories could never do you justice," he muses.

"What does that mean?"

"That you're even more beautiful than I remembered."

Orochimaru rises from her lap and reaches to embrace her with a familiarity he shouldn't possess after all these years. Yet, somehow it doesn't feel wrong.

He leaves a train of small kisses along her jaw (is he afraid to kiss her lips again?) and murmurs soft nonsense. His breath catches in his throat; he peers into her amber eyes (looking for something?) and reaches his fingers into the gold silk of her hair.

But, suddenly, he stops, as if he's just remembered something dreadful.

His mouth fixes itself in a thin line, unfathomable questions written in the crease of his brow.

"What's wrong?" Tsunade asks.

Orochimaru grimaces. He grabs Tsunade's shoulder unconsciously.

"This."

"Huh?"

" _This_ is wrong."

"What does that even _mean?!_ "

His nails are starting to dig into the flesh of Tsunade's shoulder. He shakes his head like that could help clear it. He gets up out of the chair; he's wringing his hands again. He shuts his eyes like what he's about to say is painful.

"I love you."

His words are direct. Perfectly matter-of-fact.

Although the statement comes as no surprise to Tsunade, the words still punch her in the stomach. Hearing the truth stated in Orochimaru's own voice is almost surreal.

Is he angry? No- that isn't quite right.

"I love you, and just being near you is so intoxicating- but I know you don't love me. And I know that's exactly what I deserve."

A growl bubbles out of Orochimaru's throat like blood. Tsunade watches him cautiously (he isn't angry at her- so what's upset him so badly?).

"I can't have you. I never could. I know that. I've always known. Yet here I am pretending I could ever-"

"You never even tried," Tsunade interjects, though with far less force than she intended.

"I didn't want to risk irrevocably fucking up my most precious friendship because you happened to make my dick hard."

Orochimaru's tone is so fucking blunt that Tsunade almost laughs (almost).

"You didn't love me the way I loved you. That's all there was to it. I wasn't going to let my secret out and ruin what I had because I wanted something different."

"It's not like I would've stopped being your friend because I knew you liked me." Tsunade almost wants to punch him (almost).

"That's not what I was scared of."

"Then what was it?"

"It's complicated."

Orochimaru shakes his head again- it's almost becoming a nervous tic.

"I still would've been your friend. We made a promise."

Tsunade throws her legs off the edge of the chair and prays the pins and needles go away soon.

They _had_ made a promise. Friends no matter what. So what was so bad that he'd keep such a secret (well, one of his million secrets)?

"What were you so afraid of?" Her voice is gentle, or as gentle as she can make it.

Orochimaru scratches under his chin to buy a few precious seconds.

"I wanted you. All of you. All to myself. I wanted to lock you away where nobody could harm you. Where nobody could see you but me- I wanted you to myself. But I knew- even back then, I knew- that was the last thing you deserved. I even frightened myself with where my imagination would lead me when I was alone."

Tsunade grips the edge of the armchair to keep herself grounded, determined that she'd hear him out to the end.

"It wasn't just _love_. I was _obsessed_. Completely _mad_ about you. But I was sane enough to know it was unhealthy, and I didn't want to frighten you with my fucked-up delusions. The _last_ thing I wanted was to frighten you."

He looks at Tsunade and waits for her answer.

"...I guess I can't judge you for what you did," she answers, after awhile. "I wouldn't know what I'd do myself."

Tsunade gnaws on her thumbnail and tries to collect herself.

"Were you ever planning on telling me?" She asks.

"No."

_At least he's being honest._

"I should have said something," Orochimaru admits. "But I didn't know how. I'm sorry."

"No. No, I understand."

And, for once, Tsunade _does_ understand. How was Orochimaru supposed to confess to something like that? How would she have reacted, when they were so young, and Orochimaru had confessed to having such feelings toward her? To being _obsessed_ over her?

She probably _would_ have been frightened, back then.

But she isn't frightened hearing it now.

(Why?)

"You thought it was the right thing to do. I can't argue with that. So there's nothing to apologize for."

"It isn't like I can change that now, anyway," Orochimaru remarks, face twisting like the words are wormwood in his mouth.

"That's the trouble with the past," Tsunade says, with a heavy sigh. "Once it's done, you can't take it back."

"If only there were a jutsu that could turn back time," Orochimaru muses, with a wry smile that has no joy in it.

Tsunade hugs her arms against herself, as if that would comfort her.

"...Sometimes I wish Naruto hadn't managed to break that Tsukuyomi," she mutters. "So I don't have to deal with reality."

"Sometimes lies are easier to bear than the truth." Orochimaru's smile grows more joyless still.

Tsunade has proper feeling in her legs again, so she gets out of the armchair and out to pull him in close. He lets her, and they embrace each other awhile longer.

(He doesn't want to ever let her go.)

**~oOo~**

"Ow!"

"Hold still and keep quiet- you'll get us caught!"

Jiraiya clamps a hand over his mouth so Tsunade can finish treating the deep wound on his leg. Orochimaru keeps a sharp lookout, silently praying that the heavy foliage keeps them hidden until they figure out what to do.

His body hurts. His head is throbbing. He's pretty sure his arm is broken. He's kneeling next to the dead body of some low-ranked Kiri soldier (the one Tsunade just killed).

Tsunade has a bright purple bruise on her forehead, and deep, angry red gash on her shoulder. Jiraiya's leg has been mangled by that same ninja laying dead three feet from Orochimaru. It's obvious they can't hold out very much longer.

But they're alone. At least for now.

They're deep in the forest that stretches endlessly between Kiri and Konoha- though where, exactly, is anyone's guess. It's eerily quiet, and it's rapidly getting dark. Sarutobi-sensei said he'd find them again when he and his group had finished their part, but who knew how long that would take?

(He's so tired...)

Orochimaru helps Tsunade bandage her shoulder, glaring at the corpse that dared to wound her. Jiraiya takes over the lookout, face tinged green from pain and movements wobbly from blood loss. Tsunade braces Orochimaru's arm and promises to get it looked at properly when they get back. They pass around their remaining bottle of water, savoring a few precious swallows each.

"How long before Sarutobi-sensei gets back, do you think?" Jiraiya asks.

The crackling of branches and muffled voices in the distance stop either from answering. The three of them snap to attention, hands fumbling for weapons as the sounds grow closer.

Relief crashes over the children when they lock eyes with their teacher.

Sarutobi is battered and bruised all over- he's more black and blue than flesh, right now. Kagami clutches at his shoulder, in some halfhearted attempt to stop the blood pouring profusely from it. Homura and Koharu are badly hurt as well- though not as badly as the man between them.

Danzo's right arm is limp at his side, and the entire right half of his face is badly swollen. The eye is in bad shape, as well, bloodied and painful-looking. Homura and Koharu support him and help him limp along; his left leg drags uselessly behind him.

"...Where's Tobirama-ojii?" Tsunade asks.

The grim look on the adults' faces makes the answer clear.

Tsunade starts to tremble.

"Oh no..."

"Hokage-sama said that Sarutobi-san is to take his place," Kagami says, his tone carefully composed, though his eyes betray his sadness.

_Sarutobi-sensei is Hokage now..._

Hiruzen is stone-faced and deadly silent. Tsunade looks ready to either faint or scream from grief.

Orochimaru goes to put a hand on her shoulder, only to have it very nearly slice off by a flying kunai.

(They've been found.)

They do what they know best- they fight. They will their exhausted bodies to move, summoning that last once of will to keep moving just that little bit longer, despite being outmanned by ten to one (or more).

"Let _go!"_

Jiraiya kicks his uninjured leg hopelessly against the man who's hoisted him by the collar of his shirt. The Kiri man sneers, holding a short blade to his throat.

"-Sure are a noisy little brat. I'll have to shut you up."

Orochimaru moves before he even fully registers what's happening. He throws himself straight into the Kiri ninja. He crashes to the forest floor, and Jiraiya is hurtled a few feet away.

A few feet is enough.

"Little fucker-"

Orochimaru vaguely registers the bite of metal slicing his skin, but the pain doesn't reach him just yet- because it's not important right now.

Tsunade's sorrowful face is etched into his mind, driving him onward relentlessly.

Nobody else from Konoha is going to die tonight.

Not if Orochimaru can help it.

That man with the sword lunges at Jiraiya with a howl of rage. Without thought, Orochimaru throws himself between them.

He hears the soft sound of cloth tearing, and feels a funny, stinging sort of feeling.

The man's head falls from his shoulders, and flops uselessly onto the ground- removed by Kagami's wickedly sharp blade.

Jiraiya is staring up at Orochimaru, wide-eyed in horror.

"...Why did you..."

"What-"

Out of nowhere, a sharp, hot, blinding _pain_ courses through Orochimaru's body, and he finally looks down.

That Kiri ninja's sword pierced clean through his chest, pinning him to an ancient fir tree. Homura yanks it free, eliciting a harsh yelp of pain from the boy.

His shirt is soaked entirely through with crimson, large droplets of it dripping into the greedy forest floor. And suddenly, it's very hard to breathe.

He reaches a hand upward- his fingers almost slip into the gaping wound in his chest.

Orochimaru opens and shuts his mouth much like a landed fish. He tries to speak, but blood is the only thing that passes between his lips.

Tsunade is screaming at him, but he can't hear her words. The world is going fuzzy.

Something is wrong. He can't stand up anymore.

He falls forward, landing in the arms of a panicked Sarutobi.

(There's lots of corpses on the ground. What a mess.)

Hiruzen shakes him by the shoulders; the ragdoll boy's head flops around lifelessly.

The world is cold. Everything is dark now.

Someone is calling his name, but he can't answer.

He's so tired...

It's hard to breathe. He can't move. But somehow that doesn't bother him.

(He thinks that, maybe, that voice calling him is his mother.)


	10. The Seventh Hokage!

 

  **~oOo~**

 

"Hey-Orochimaru, snap out of it!"

Sarutobi shakes the boy's shoulders in some vain effort to rouse him; all it does is soak him in the child's blood.

"...Should I find a medic?" Kagami asks, hesitantly.

"He won't last long enough for you to get a medic!" Tsunade shouts, voice shrill from panic.

"Well, what _should_ we do then?!" Jiraiya demands, trying to squirm out of Koharu's grasp.

Sarutobi is deathly silent, still clutching Orochimaru in his arms (he can practically _feel_ the life draining out of that tiny body).

"Come on!" Jiraiya roars. "You're Hokage now, aren't you?! Do something!"

Still, Sarutobi can't summon his voice.

"...Give him to me," Tsunade says, voice quavering and growing weak.

Hiruzen stares at her, still numb, and still silent.

"I said give him to me!" Tsunade shrieks, terror written in her brow. "You're wasting time!"

Finally, Sarutobi obeys, laying Orochimaru's lifeless boy on the forest floor, still keeping his head in his grasp.

Orochimaru's breathing is faint now; his heartbeat is weak, and growing weaker. His flesh is already cold to the touch, painted gray as his blood continues to drain out of him.

Tsunade puts her hands over the gaping wound, her own breaths coming in great, rattling gasps. Chakra surrounds her whole being, eyes intense in their concentration.

"Can you even heal a wound that deep?" Danzo asks, skepticism in his tone. "You're just a child."

"I'm not just gonna let him die!" Tsunade screams at the man. "I can't!"

Though she pours healing energy into the gaping chasm in her teammate's chest, it doesn't seem to be helping; crimson still seeps between her fingers, his breath growing ever fainter.

"C'mon," she whispers (it's hard for _her_ to breathe, too). "Don't give up, Maru. Not yet..."

"Just lemme _go,_ lady! I'm fine!"

Jiraiya finally extricates himself from Koharu, half-dragging himself over to his teammates. He grabs a fistful of Orochimaru's shirt.

"You heard her, you son of a bitch!" He growls, through teeth gritted hard enough to shatter. "Don't you _dare_ leave! Don't you fucking dare- not when I was just starting to like you!"

His knuckles go white, and Jiraiya's voice cracks from emotion.

"Don't you dare..."

(It's not working...he's still bleeding...)

The others don't seem to know what to do with themselves, so they keep watch to make sure they aren't ambushed again.

Tears cut a path through the dirt and grime on Tsunade's cheeks, but she still won't give up.

"You bastard!" Jiraiya howls, fighting back tears of his own. "Are you really gonna let Tsunade cry?! Don't you care about her at all?! Is this really the way you want everything to end?!"

He's shaking so violently that Orochimaru's limp body trembles as well.

"You remember what you said when we first became a team?" He demands. "You said you wanted someone to remember you after you die, right?! Is this really the way you want people to remember you?! Bled out in the middle of nowhere, right before you ever got to live?! Is this how you want your friends to remember you?!"

His voice echoes through the vast, lonely forest in the painful silence.

As if Jiraiya's impassioned words reach him, the tide of blood finally begins to slow. After a few agonizing seconds, the flow stops completely, and the wound begins to knit shut.

Tsunade can't quite finish the job, however. She slumps over from exhaustion, her pale blue chakra dissipating.

It's not finished, but it's enough.

Small puffs of breath still escape from his mouth. His heart is feeble, but still beating.

He's still alive. Orochimaru is still alive.

"He's...still here. For now," Tsunade chokes. "I bought us some time, but I don't know how long."

"...We'll get him back to the village," Sarutobi says, finally rallying himself. "They can take care of him at the hospital."

"We should get going now, then," Kagami urges. "If we hurry, we can make it back to Konoha by nightfall."

Sarutobi nods, and gathers Orochimaru's broken body into his arms.

"Hang on," he murmurs, hoping that his words will reach the boy. "Just awhile longer."

**~oOo~**

Everyone in the village is silent, watching eagerly as Naruto ascends the stairs to join Kakashi at the huge podium in the center of the village. Naruto holds his breath, glancing at Tsunade for reassurance as he passes her.

He's a far cry from the scruffy, bratty little kid she had met all those years ago. He's grown up, carrying himself with all the cautious confidence of a boy taking his first uncertain steps into manhood.

(He's become quite handsome as well- turns out, he cleans up nicely when he puts his mind to it.)

He's wearing a simple black and white kimono leant to him by Iruka, adorned with a vibrant gold haori which had once belonged to his father.

Tsunade herself is wearing the green and white furisode which had been a gift from an eternity ago, and looking like a lovely porcelain doll. She smiles encouragingly at Naruto, nodding at him to keep going.

Naruto nods back, releasing his pent-up breath and standing tall as he finally makes his way to Kakashi.

Kakashi (who _still_ couldn't be bothered to do away with the mask, even on a special day like this) holds out that hat which has been passed down since Hashirama.

"Uzumaki Naruto," he says, rehearsing the words he's doubtless practiced carefully, "I, Hatake Kakashi, the sixth Hokage of the Hidde Leaf, pass my title on to you. From today onward, you will be this village's guardian and protector. From today onward, everyone in Konoha will look to you for leadership. Do you accept this responsibility?"

Naruto places a shaking hand on the damn hat he'd so coveted his entire life.

"...I do," he says, quietly, nearly strangled by his own emotions.

"Then, from today onward, you'll be known as the Seventh Hokage of Konoha."

Kakashi decides the formality is boring, and plops the hat unceremoniously on Naruto's head, beaming underneath his mask.

"You did it, kid."

Naruto chokes. Then, without warning, breaks down sobbing. Blubbering like a small child, he throws his arms around Kakashi.

"I really did _dattebayo!"_

He releases Kakashi and looks out into the crowd of people- every single one cheering for _him._

Iruka- the first person to have faith in him. Hinata- his fiancee, pretty as a picture and lovelier than starlight. Kiba. Chouji. Shikamaru. Tenten and Lee. Ino and Shino and Sai. Sakura, loyal and dependable to the last. Even Sasuke- wayward, stubborn Sasuke.

All here for _him._

Friends. He has friends. Lots of them.

No. Even better.

He has family.

_This whole village is my family._

He grins triumphantly up at the mountain of his predecessors.

"I did it, dad!" He shouts, punching the air even as tears fall ceaselessly down his face. "I really did it!"

Tsunade's heart melts at the sight of it, and she's sure Jiraya would have loved nothing more than to see it, too.

"Hey, where are you going?!"

Naruto leaps off the stage, flinging himself recklessly at Sasuke.

"What the hell-"

Not heeding their protests, Naruto pulls Sakura into his embrace as well, dampening both of them with tears.

"...Thank you," he murmurs, his voice suddenly very quiet.

"F-for what?" Sasuke demands.

"Just...for being here. For everything. Sakura-chan...Sasuke...You really are my best friends..."

After hugging them another few seconds, he lets them go. He sweeps Hinata up in his arms, her face going scarlet when he kisses her in front of the entire village.

The crowd erupts in fresh cheers, and Tsunade has to laugh; of course Naruto would be reckless like that. Naruto is always reckless.

But then, a figure in the corner of her eye catches her attention instead. She turns her head toward the area behind the stage, where a dark alcove conceals the unexpected guest.

Despite obviously not wanting to be seen, Orochimaru is dressed to the nines, in black and silver and amaranth, his dark hair pulled back away from his face with tortoiseshell comb.

He presses a thin finger to smiling lips, a delicate bracelet highlighting just how thin his wrist really is. Tsunade smiles back at him, nodding her understanding. She turns her head back just in time- as it happens, Naruto's next hug is for her.

"Granny- I'm so happy _dattebayo..."_

"Jiraiya would've been happy too," she assures him, hugging him back and patting him on the back.

"Well...you're here, and that's just as good!" Naruto declares, hugging her tighter still. "Pervy Sage can watch everything from up there _dattebayo!"_

The ceremony disperses into an impromptu celebration, with people bringing out alcohol and various gifts for the new Hokage. Tsunade sneaks away to the alcove before the urge to get drunk gets a hold of her.

"You're here."

"I figured I'd come in Jiraiya's place," Orochimaru replies. "I'm not going to cause any trouble, so don't worry."

"If you did, I'd kill you." Tsunade is deadly serious when she says it.

"If Naruto-kun didn't get to me first," Orochimaru amends.

His gaze wanders over the boisterous crowd.

"The village has been fixed up nicely," he says approvingly. "You could hardly tell it was in ruins not too long ago."

"Yeah. Everyone's definitely been keeping busy."

"I'm glad. Poor Naruto-kun would've been terribly disappointed to be Hokage of a pile of rubble."

Tsunade snorts.

"Try to remember that the next time you wanna destroy the village."

"Don't worry. I'm done with that nonsense."

"Why should I believe that?" Tsunade asks.

"I'm not asking you to."

For a minute, they watch the village together in silence.

"That outfit- Dan bought it, didn't he?"

"Hm? Yeah- when we got engaged. I know it's old, but I don't exactly keep a wide selection of formal wear; does it look bad?"

"Not at all. It suits you, actually."

"Naruto wants to have a new one made for me to wear to his wedding. I swear to God, I'm gonna need a bigger apartment to keep all the presents he keeps getting me."

Tsunade shakes her head.

"He's got a heart bigger than his brain, doesn't he?" Orochimaru chuckles.

"Yeah. But maybe that's not a bad thing..."

Naruto is carting Hinata around on his shoulders, laughing and having the absolute time of his life.

Tsunade smiles, though there isn't much joy in it.

"I'm happy for him," she says, though her tone is melancholy.

"He'd make his father proud," Orochimaru says, with a nod.

**~oOo~**

Every cell in Orochimaru's body is made of lead, his eyelids concrete as he forces them open (the light above him is so bright it hurts).

It takes a few moments for the world to come into focus, his brain shrouded in thick fog that makes it hard to think.

Bed. He's in a bed- though a bed far less comfortable than even his bed back at the orphanage.

White. The walls are white. The sheets are white. Everything, all white.

(Hospital. He's in the hospital. So he isn't dead.)

He manages to turn his head; the bag above him steadily  _drip drip drip_ s a translucent purple liquid through a tube into the massive needle in his left hand. He turns his head to the other side; his right arm is in a heavy cast (so it _was_ broken, after all).

"Holy shit! He's awake!"

White-hot pain shoots through his entire being when Jiraiya throws himself on top of Orochimaru.

"Hey, be careful, you moron! He's still hurt!"

Tsunade's voice is stern, but her amber eyes are wide, a wobbly smile breaking out on her face.

"...Hi," Orochimaru croaks, making the Herculean effort to shove Jiraiya off and pull himself into a seated position.

"Welcome back," Tsunade whimpers, placing a hand over his, being mindful of the IV needle. "Are you okay? Do you need anything?"

"-Water, please," Orochimaru requests.

Tsunade hurries to fulfill his request. Orochimaru drains the entire glass in seconds, desperate to get rid of the sandpaper in his throat.

When he's finished, he sets the glass on the tiny table at his bedside.

"...How long was I-"

"Three days," Tsunade answers. "We were getting worried about you."

"Doc said you're lucky Tsunade was there. Y'know they took a bunch of her blood for ya?! I didn't even know people _have_ that much blood!"

"Her-"

"It was nothing," Tsunade insists, turning pink and flailing her hands wildly. "You'd lost so much, and we have the same blood type, and I've got plenty, so-"

"-I told 'em to take mine, but they wouldn't!" Jiraiya pouts.

"You were already bleeding out from your stupid leg! They couldn't take any more!" Tsunade scolds him.

Orochimaru's attention wanders from their squabbling, to the intruder on their conversation.

"-Sensei!"

Sarutobi has been watching his students from the doorway (for how long, Orochimaru isn't sure), a sad sort of smile on his face. He's donning the Hokage robes now; the way his shoulders bow forward, you'd think they weigh a thousand pounds.

"I'm pretty sure you've been told to stay off your feet," he says, pointedly looking at Jiraiya.

"Aw, I'm fine! It doesn't even hurt anymore- I don't wanna be stuck limping around on crutches for two more weeks!"

Sarutobi shakes his head bemusedly.

"How are you feeling?" He asks Orochimaru (his tone of voice makes him seem nervous).

Orochimaru merely shrugs. Hiruzen frowns.

"Are you in any pain at all?" he prods gently. "I can have them get you more medicine if you need it."

"...I'm alright, I think," Orochimaru answers.

"That's good. The doctor will fix your arm up now that you're awake; she says you'll be out of bed in no time at all.,"

Sarutobi is trying so hard to be cheerful. Orochimaru doesn't have the energy to do the same.

"Now, you two should stop pestering him- he needs to rest so he can get better."

"Well- I'll tell Nawaki you said hi," Tsunade sighs. She kisses Orochimaru's forehead, lighting his cheeks on fire. "Get better soon."

"Yeah, hurry up!" Jiraiya pesters. "I betcha I'll be back out on missions before you, though!"

Orochimaru smirks.

"I bet you're wrong."

"You're on, asshole!" Jiraiya yells, hobbling out on his crutches with determination on his face.

With that, Orochimaru is alone with his Sensei.

Hiruzen sits in the chair at Orochimaru's bedside, carefully taking his hand.

(He's treating Orochimaru like he's made of glass.)

"I'm proud of you," he says, a strange reverence in his voice.

"What's there to be proud of?" Orochimaru asks, tilting his head.

"Jiraiya would have been killed if you didn't do what you did."

Confusion creates creases in the child's brow.

"Wouldn't anyone have done it, though?"

It's Sarutobi's turn to cock his head.

"He's my teammate. If I'd let Jiraiya be killed, what sort of shinobi would I be?"

Sarutobi's stomach twists itself into complicated knots, the boy's words bringing Tobirama's death back to the front of his mind.

His feelings must show on his face.

"Sarutobi-sensei, are you alright?"

Hiruzen shakes his head.

"It's nothing. I'm fine."

Orochimaru obviously doesn't believe this, but doesn't press the matter any further.

"You're Hokage now, right Sensei?" He asks, instead.

"...Th-that's right."

"Is that something you wanted?"

"Hm?"

Those yellow eyes are intense as they stare at Sarutobi, boring holes straight through his soul (what is he looking for?).

"Is Hokage something you wanted to be?"

"Well, yes," Hiruzen answers, honestly. "But I was hoping I would find the position in more...favorable circumstances."

"I guess most people would hope it wouldn't happen how it did," Orochimaru says. "But I guess it isn't terribly surprising."

"What-"

"We're at war, Sarutobi-sensei. Nobody's safe from war. Not even a Kage."

He touches the thick bandaging over his chest (perhaps unconsciously).

"...Our life can be taken away in a second. It's as true for the Kage as it is for anyone else. Isn't that just the way things are?"

Hiruzen releases a weary sigh, unable to argue.

"...How long until I can go back to doing missions?" Orochimaru asks, when he realizes he isn't going to get an answer.

"The doctor said you can be out in a few more days. But don't feel like you need to push yourself, okay? Your health is the most important thing right now."

The boy snorts derisively.

"Right. I can't be a good little pawn for the village when I'm laid up in bed, can I?"

Hiruzen makes a point of ignoring this. And, soon after, the doctor comes in to attend to the child's broken arm, and the new Hokage takes his leave.

The doctor is a friendly woman, fair-haired and soft-spoken. She sets to work healing Orochimaru's arm without delay.

"You're very lucky to be friends with that girl," she says, brightly. "She's a remarkable person."

"...You have no idea," Orochimaru replies.

* * *

The sun's warmth is wraps around Orochimaru like a friendly hug, welcoming after a week being confined indoors. He takes a great breath of fresh air, cautiously stepping down the hospital steps onto the pavement.

"Maru-kun! You're okay!"

Orochimaru finds himself suddenly accosted by a gaggle of girls, bearing various small gifts and squealing in delight.

"W-what-"

"Tsuna-chan told us all about what you did! You're so brave!"

"Tou're so cool, Maru-kun!"

_Maru-kun...? Why are they calling me...?_

_Wait...Cool?!_

"Maru-kun, Tsuna-chan says these are your favorites!"

A box of fresh strawberry daifuku is shoved into his hands.

"H-huh?"

"Hey hey, Maru-kun, how are you feeling?"

"I-I'm alright, I think..."

The girls continue chattering at him. Orochimaru fidgets, unsure what to do with all this attention.

"I-I should probably go," he finallysays, breaking free of the crowd and taking off down the street, face bright crimson from embarrassment.

"Wah! He's so shy!" One girl sqeaks.

Orochimaru retreats to the safety of Sarutobi's apartment. Kai barks a greeting, wagging his tail and hopping around the living room in excitement.

Sarutobi is nowhere to be seen, but Orochimaru had expected that.

He refills Kai's water bowl and takes a few minutes to scratch the shaggy dog's belly, and to change into proper clothing. He writes out a brief note for his sensei just in case, promising to be back by nightfall, and heads out the door once more.

He crosses the village, through the shopping district and into the shadier part of town. The part where all the windows are boarded up, and the few people out on the street regard him with disdain or cold indifference.

(It doesn't matter. He isn't there to see them.)

Finding Jiraiya's apartment, he knocks on the door. There's muttering, then a loud crash. Then, that greasy man (Jiraiya's father) answers the door.

"Oh, yer Jiraiya's cute friend," he slurs, that sleazy grin creeping onto his face.

"I am." Orochimaru tries very hard not to flinch. "Is he here, by any chance?"

"Wuzzat? Ah, jus' a mo-"

When the man turns to call for Jiraiya, Orochimaru catches something off about his left shirtsleeve- namely, there isn't an arm in it.

"Ey, Jira- yer cute friend's here!"

The _thump_ ing of Jiraiya's crutches on the cracked wooden floor announces his arrival. He shoves his father aside an shuts the door in his face. The man grumbles muffled protests from within the apartment.

"Sorry 'bout him- he's a jackass."

Orochimaru blinks, still stuck on the image of that empty shirtsleeve which had burned itself into his mind.

"Your dad's arm...is it-"

"Oh, he lost that before I was even born. He doesn't like to talk about what happened."

Jiraiya sits down on the rickety old bench across from an overflowing garbage can.

"Besides, he's so drunk off his ass most of the time that I don't think _he_ even remembers what happened."

Orochimaru sits beside him, fiddling with his fingers to dispel some of his nervous energy.

"If you're so unhappy with him, why do you stick around?" He asks.

"It's not like I have anywhere else to go," Jiraiya reminds him. "Besides, if I'm stuck in this shithole, at least I know he's still alive. I'd be a pretty lousy son if I left him to starve to death, y'know."

"But you're his son, and he's your father! He shouldn't be relying on you like that!" Orochimaru insists, exasperated.

"Well, there's a lot of shit that shouldn't be goin' on. It goes on anyway."

Orochimaru sighs.

"You're right. I'm sorry."

"Hey, don't make such a gloomy face. It's not that bad."

Jiraiya huffs, resting his head in his hands.

"I mean- it's not like I _hate_ my dad or anything. Not like my mom does, anyway."

"Where _is_ your mother?" Orochimaru asks.

"Cloud Village," Jiraiya says, with a dismissive shrug. "Last I heard, she had a new kid with some other guy. But that was a few years ago. Guess she forgot about me."

(Jiraiya has never, in the time Orochimaru has known him, looked so horribly _sad.)_

"You know the worst part? She didn't even bother to tell me goodbye when she left. Like I didn't matter enough to say a word to! That's what really hacks me off!"

He throws one of his crutches, denting the garbage can and sending a feral cat running for its life. He's shaking with rage, his voice quavering like he's never voiced these feelings before.

"Even if she had me with that bastard- I'm still her son, aren't I?! Why does she hate me so much anyway?! It's not like I asked to be born!"

He buries his face in his hands so Orochimaru won't catch him crying.

"She just threw me out like I'm nothing! Then she replaced me and forgot I'm even alive! What kind of mom does that?!"

Orochimaru doesn't have the faintest idea what he should do now. Hug him? Say everything's going to be alright- even if it's a lie?

No...

Orochimaru holds his hand out, and patiently waits for Jiraiya to notice.

"...Eh?"

"I'm not your mother or anything," Orochimaru says, uncertainly. "But I can promise that I won't ever leave like she did."

He hopes his smile is convincing, because his voice sure as hell isn't.

"Because we're friends, right? Friends stay together."

There's a moment's silence. Then, though still teary-eyed, Jiraiya beams at him, taking his handshake with maybe too much enthusiasm.

"That's right! Friends always stay together!"

_Friends..._

It's still such a foreign concept to Orochimaru. That someone like him would ever have people to call 'friends'. Let alone that he would ever call Jiraya a friend.

_How strange._

Then again, Orochimaru quite likes strange things.

 


	11. Naruto's Invitation

**~oOo~**

"Lord Orochimaru, look!"

Kimimaro's voice holds a rarely-heard excitement, green-gray eyes alight with joy.

"Hm?"

Orochimaru peers over his shoulder, quirking an eyebrow.

"The stargazers are blooming early this year," Kimimaro explains, brushing a hand gently against the petals of one of the delicate ruby-colored lilies. "Aren't they beautiful, Lord Orochimaru?"

Green eyes regard Orochimaru expectantly. Orochimaru smiles adoringly at him.

"Everything you grow is beautiful, Kimimaro-kun. I wouldn't expect anything less."

Kimimaro's cheeks turn the same deep crimson freckling the pink stargazer lilies that so enamor him. He turns his head, pretending to tend to the clematis vines winding their way up a young elm tree.

He doesn't smile- Kimimaro very seldom does. But, when he's among his flowers, he is truly happy. _Only_ when he was among his flowers, he is truly happy. And, a part of that makes Orochimaru happy as well, in a way.

"Ah, look-"

Kimimaro turns toward the rose bush, reaching for one of the heavy blossoms; however, his hand freezes halfway there, fingers curling up suddenly. Color drains from his skin, a shadow of pain passing over his face. He briefly touches his chest, like that's what's hurting him. But, in a brief moment, he's more or less recomposed himself.

Orochimaru touches his shoulder to get his attention.

"Is something wrong?"

Kimimaro shakes his head.

"No. It's nothing. I'm fine."

The boy quickly looks around for something different to talk about.

"Ah, I think Juugo would like if I brought him some of the yellow roses- I think they'd help brighten up his room."

Though his face is still pallid, and his brow still knitted with pain, Kimimaro's voice takes on that cheerful note once again. Careful of the rose bush's thorns, he gathers an armful of the bright blossoms, and brushes past Orochimaru to hurry inside with his precious gift.

**~oOo~**

Kimimaro's favorite flowers (the pink camellias) are just beginning to bud, popping up between the winding vines of clematis that wrap around the entire garden. 

Orochimaru sighs wearily, running his fingers along the new, fragile leaves. 

Like so many things in his life, this thing which once brought him so much joy has become tainted. Tainted by bitter memories of how things have gone so very wrong. Even beautiful things like Kimimaro's coveted flowers.

(It bothers him, just a little, that he could never find Kimimaro's body to bury him properly.)

Pretending not to care has grown so tiresome. Pretending he doesn't feel sorrow, or that he doesn't mourn the things he's lost- the charade starts to grate on the mind after so many years.

Perhaps that's why he still goes through the motions of tending to Kimimaro's garden; it's the only thing he can do for that boy anymore. All he could do for him back then.

Orochimaru scowls at the rose bushes like it was their fault Kimimaro fell ill. That it was somehow the plants' fault that the boy had grown so weak- that it was the roses' fault he spent his last days trapped indoors, when the one thing Kimimaro wanted more than anything was to be out in the sunlight.

He knows he's projecting. But sometimes it feels good to blame something else, so he can take a moment to stop being angry with himself.

(No matter how many times Kabuto insisted there was nothing that could have been done, the what-if's still creep in every now and then.)

It's so very quiet outside. No Kimimaro chattering about his flowers. No Tayuya bickering ceaselessly with Kidomaru, no Sakon or Ukon complaining about whatever trivial thing was bothering them. Not even a wandering bird to break the silence.

" _So you just wanna stay a lonely bastard for the rest of your life?!"_

If Orochimaru was being honest with himself- no. Of course, nobody really wants to be lonely. It's human nature after all. But 'lonely' is just how he ended up.

(And it's his own damn fault.)

"Yo, I don't like being ignored!"

Orochimaru jerks back to reality, reeling to confront the orange toad that pulled him out of his reverie.

"Naruto's got a message for ya," Gamakichi grumbles, fumbling in his blue jacket for two sealed envelopes. He tosses them on the ground at Orochimaru's feet, a disdainful look on his face.

Orochimaru raises an eyebrow.

"He says 'I know you said that Konoha isn't home for you anymore, but if you ever change your mind, I want you to know there's always gonna be a place for you here. I'll make sure of it.'"

Gamakichi grimaces like the words taste bitter. "He must've lost his damn mind to say somethin' like that to someone like you."

Orochimaru shrugs.

"Will that be all, then?"

"Yep. And if I never see you again, it'll be too soon."

Orochimaru doesn't have time to think of a witty retort- Gamakichi vanishes in a puff of smoke as soon as he's done speaking. He reaches down to pick up the envelopes and tear them open.

The first envelope contains a pardon for the full (very extensive) list of Orochimaru's crimes, signed and notarized by the Seventh Hokage (Naruto has some truly atrocious handwriting).

The second is a wedding invitation.

Orochimaru can't stop the laugh that bursts out of his mouth- a genuine, gleeful, surprised laugh that makes his sides hurt and makes it hard to draw adequate breath.

It's ridiculous. Absolutely unbelievable. Completely absurd.

And yet, here it is. Orochimaru can hardly believe what's right before his eyes.

Naruto. What a fool. A well-meaning fool, but a fool nonetheless.

So...Orochimaru is a free man now. Knowing how Konoha worked, the village was already printing new bingo books, without Orochimaru's face in there. Without whoever else's face Naruto had handed out forgiveness to.

Free. For the first time since he was a small child. Finally, truly free.

So...what now?

What exactly do free men do with their time? What do free men do with their unfettered lives, without having to slink around in the shadows and hide from the world?

Orochimaru sits on the ground with a dull _thud,_ feeling suddenly quite lightheaded.

If Orochimaru wanted to, he could walk right through Konoha's front gates. He could browse the clothing shops, pop into a bar for sake and dango- hell, he could walk to the market and buy groceries.

Like a normal person.

It's a lot to take in all at once. And, on top of this, Naruto wants him _at his wedding._

That boy must truly be out of his mind.

Still-

It would be quite rude to refuse an invitation from the Hokage. Let alone the Hokage that gave him his first taste of real freedom. Regardless of what insanity has possessed Naruto, it seems that, at the very least, Orochimaru owes him an appearance.

So...he's going back to Konoha- in the open this time (for the _first_ time in years). Not as the hapless would-be destructor, nor as the wayward disciple of the Third Hokage, but as a wedding guest. Not as a criminal, but merely as a man.

(A _free_ man. The concept still seems so foreign.)

Does he even have an outfit suitable for a wedding? Maybe he can get away with wearing the same thing he wore to the ceremony the other day- Tsunade was the only one who'd seen him wear it, wasn't she?

Did Naruto even care that people seeing Orochimaru at his wedding might cause a bit of a stir? Did he have a plan to deal with that, or is this Naruto's usual impulsive foolishness?

Kimimaro the cat mewls at him, rubbing against his pant leg and purring like a tiny, furry motorboat.

"Are you trying to tell me something?" Orochimaru asks.

" _Nyaa!"_ Kimimaro replies, flopping over onto his back, little black paws jutting into the air.

Orochimaru shakes his head in tired amusement, crouching down to scratch behind the cat's ears.

"How do normal people do things?" He asks the cat, burying his fingers in the white fur of the kitty's belly. "It's been too long."

Kimimaro bats at Orochimaru's shirtsleeve, green eyes regarding him lazily.

Orochimaru sighs.

"I'm talking to a cat. This is what my life is, now. Talking to a damn cat."

The cat makes a small, confused sound, stretching out an arm in the man's direction.

"So, I've got a wedding to go to. How about that? Nobody's invited me to anything in years- what do people even _do_ at weddings?"

" _Nyan?"_

"Well, of course I'm going. Don't give me that look."

Kimimaro's ears twitch, his tail flicking against the ground. He blinks his green eyes, almost like he's really trying to speak. But whatever he's trying to say, Orochimaru can't figure it out.

Orochimaru sighs and falls back on his heels.

One week. He's got one week to brace himself for the shitshow.

He only hopes he can be ready by then.

**~oOo~**

It takes a Herculean effort for Orochimaru to put one foot in front of the other, to keep his face composed so that nobody he passes can see the turbulence inside him. The folder in his hands crumbles under his grip, the words of the contents inside buzzing in his head like a nest of hornets. His eyes burn from suppressing the desire to cry.

_This again. All over again._

He drags himself into the mission center and signs in at the front desk. The receptionist smiles at him, and they exchange a few pleasantries that don't register in the boy's mind.

"Yo, Orochimaru! Check it out!"

Jiraiya darts up behind Orochimaru and grabs him by the arm, whirling him around and shoving papers in his face as if Orochimaru could read them.

"I got a B rank mission! It says I need to bring a partner- you wanna come?"

Orochimaru smiles apologetically, holding up a set of his own papers.

"Sorry- I got called on a solo mission already. Tsunade's free, so ask her to go with you."

"Aw, come on! You're just jerkin' with me! You're not even dressed for a mission!" Jiraiya whines, eyeing the brand-new silver and violet kimono Orochimaru is wearing (the one with the black obi adorned with little white cherry blossoms).

"It's a diplomatic mission. You wouldn't be interested."

He tries to snatch the papers from Orochimaru's hand, but isn't quite fast enough.

"It's not something I'm allowed to tell you about," Orochimaru says, tucking the folder away in his kimono. "I'm sorry, Jiraiya."

"You can't even tell your friend?" Jiraiya pouts. "And what sort of mission do ya gotta dress up all fancy for anyway?!"

Orochimaru goes stone faced, and brushes past Jiraiya.

"I'm sorry," he says once more. "I can't tell you. I should go, or I'll be late."

He feels the smallest twinge of guilt when he catches sight of Jiraiya's angry face out of the corner of his eye; he'll have to make it up to him, somehow.

But that can wait until later.

He returns his mission folder to the main desk, the contents committed to memory. On his way out, Danzo's withering glare stops him in his tracks.

(Why does he always look at him like he's done something wrong?!)

He's leaning heavily on a cane, like he'd been doing since that day (the one that already felt like an eternity ago), and looking quite pathetic as far as shinobi go.

"I was under the impression you'd be with Sarutobi-sensei today," Orochimaru says, his voice as composed as he can manage it.

"I'm meeting back up with him later," is the man's response.

Orochimaru quirks an eyebrow.

"That's funny- it seems like you've been Sensei's shadow ever since he became Hokage."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Danzo practically growls the words.

A devious thought pops into Orochimaru's head, a sly grin creeping onto his face.

"It must be eating you alive, huh?" He asks.

"What, exactly?"

Shimura's hand tightens around his cane.

"You wanted to be Hokage, didn't you? I saw the look on your face when it happened- does it hurt your pride, knowing that Sensei took that away from you?"

The man growls- a warning to stop talking that Orochimaru doesn't heed.

"Now all you can do is follow Sensei around like a little lapdog, isn't that right? That must bruise you ego pretty badly, huh?"

Danzo slams Orochimaru against the wall, hoisting him off the floor by his collar.

"Shut your mouth."

Orochimaru's smirk warps into a grin that seems almost demented (because he _won)._

"I wouldn't get your hopes up too high about being the Fourth, by the way," he adds, with an unhinged little giggle. "Because I've decided that's gonna be me."

He taps Danzo's wrist.

"Now, could you maybe put me down? I'll be late for that mission you gave me."

When his feet are safely back on the floor, Orochimaru smooths the front of his kimono, savoring the absolutely livid expression on the man's face. He tucks the image away in the back of his mind, to give him something to smile about later.

"I'll be seeing you, Shimura-san."

Orochimaru knows he'll probably pay for this bit of insolence later, but he doesn't care. It's worth it, just to get a rise out of this man he so despises.

"I'd get a hold of that mouth of yours," Danzo warns, danger in his voice. "It'd be a shame if your friend over there got hurt because you were careless."

Orochimaru's blood turns to ice.

"You wouldn't dare."

"Are you willing to bet your friend's life that I wouldn't?"

Orochimaru has a few choice words for the man, but he bites his tongue.

Right there, he makes a decision.

Someday- though maybe not any day soon- he's going to kill Shimura Danzo.

He doesn't know when, and he doesn't know how. But he'll do it someday.

* * *

 

The man beside Orochimaru has already fallen asleep, his snoring the only sound in the eerie quiet. Milky moonlight filters through the gap in the curtains, casting the room in an eerie glow.

Dull, persistent pain throbs in Orochimaru's lower back, not allowing him to forget what just happened.

_Why did I come here...?_

(Is that blood dripping down his leg or...)

Diplomacy. What a farce.

(Does Sensei know this is still going on? If he does- does he care?)

_It hurts._

The man (a lord or something, he doesn't remember) has an arm draped over him, but Orochimaru has no strength to move it. So, he just lay there with his unwanted thoughts.

_Danzo threatened Jiraiya._

Orochimaru won't let him hurt Jiraiya. He'd rather die than let that happen.

Dying. What an ugly business.

(Why is this guy's arm so _heavy_?!)

It takes an eternity and a half before he finally succumbs to exhaustion.

 


	12. A Parent's Forgiveness

**~oOo~**

When Orochimaru arrives at Tsunade's house, he sees her mother sitting on the front steps. She stares blankly at the heavy gray clouds gathering in the distance, while Nawaki plays idly with a toy dragon not too far away.  
Nawaki looks up and squeals in delight, abandoning the stuffed dragon and clambering to his feet and darting up to Orochimaru as fast as his chubby legs can carry him.

"Mama- Orochin's here!"

The woman's eyes come into focus. She manages a tired pseudo-smile at Orochimaru (even the small gesture seems to cause her so much pain).

"Oh- hey. I'm glad you're alright."

(She sounds so defeated.)

"Up, Orochin! Up!"

"I was wondering if Tsunade is around?" Orochimaru mumbles, taking Nawaki up in his arms. Nawaki throws his tiny arms around his neck and hugs him tightly.

"Oh, she's still on that mission with Jiraiya. They should be back any minute now, though."

"Neechan! Neechan!" Nawaki squeals, tugging on Orochimaru's shirt.

Tsunade's mother sighs, running a hand through her prematurely graying hair.

"...Have you been alright?" Orochimaru asks, softly, wondering if she even wanted him to ask.

She shakes her head with a heavy sigh, then rests it in her hands.

"Don't worry about me," she says, though her tone is dreary and unconvincing.

"Mama?" Nawaki whines, squirming his way back to the ground to toddle back to his mother. "What's wrong?"

The poor woman buries her face in her hands to hide her distraught expression. Nawaki makes a keening sound of distress and squeezes his mother tight.

"Mama, no be sad," he whimpers. "Please mama..."

Realization dawns on Orochimaru. He wrings his hands and stammers over his words.

"I-I'm sorry...Is this about Nidaime-sama...?"

She makes a noise akin to someone very ill.

"I never expected..."

Orochimaru wants to do something. Hug her, comfort her...but he's rooted to the spot like a useless, rather pale plant.

"Orochin, Mama's sad..."

"I...I know it's hard. Losing someone important, I mean. I'm really sorry..."

Orochimaru feels stupid for saying it, cheeks burning with embarrassment.

The woman glances up from her hands, and almost-smiles at him once more.

"You're a sweet boy."

She nudges Nawaki away from her so she can stand up, seeming to have regained her composure somewhat.

"Hey, I'm making soba for when Tsunade gets home. You should come in and have some, too. You're so thin!"

Orochimaru turns a still darker shade of red, and follows her inside without protesting.

He's seated at the kitchen table with a huge bowl of soba with all the trimmings, before he can get another word out. He's actually quite hungry, so he digs in while Tsunade's mother makes Nawaki his own little bowl, along with another, presumably for Tsunade.

As soon as she sets it down, the door opens.

"I'm home!" That familiar voice calls.

"Neechan!" Nawaki squeals, banging on the table with his tiny hands round face alight with glee.

Tsunade is dirty and ragged, but, mercifully, completely unhurt. She beams at her mother, her brother, and her friend in turn.

"Hey, 'Maru! You made it back!"

"...Yeah," he answers, weakly.

"That smells amazing, mom!" Tsunade declares, eagerly kneeling at the kitchen table in front of her own bowl. "Thank you for the food!"

"Neechan!" Nawaki squawks, reaching out to hug her. "Neechan's home!"

"Yeah, yeah- we'll cuddle later, okay? I'm starving!"

"Did your mission go well, sweetheart?" Her mother asks, brushing away wisps of Tsunade's blonde hair.

"Hm? Yeah, 'was fine," Tsunade replies, around a mouthful of noodles. "Jiraya's an idiot and almost gave us away, but I figured it out, so it was alright in the end."

"You seem to have to get that boy out of a lot of trouble, don't you?" Tsunade's mother chuckles.

"He doesn't mean to get into trouble!" Orochimaru interjects, turning scarlet yet again when the words leave his mouth. "He just rushes in too quickly because he thinks he's doing the right thing, that's all."

"Well, he'd better get his head on straight, or he's gonna get himself hurt," Tsunade's mother says, her voice startlingly grim.

Orochimaru hangs his head and decides he should probably stop now.

"How about you, Maru?" Tsunade prods. "I heard you were on a diplomatic mission- how'd it go?"

If his face weren't already white, it would certainly be when Tsunade asks this question.

"Um...it was alright, I guess. Kinda boring, really." His lie is clumsy and awkward, but Tsunade seems to believe him.

"Jiraya's so mad at you for going on a mission without him what it was!" She giggles. "He thinks you're getting full of yourself."

Orochimaru turns red for what feels like the millionth time today.

"I told him to mind his own business," Tsunade continues, giving Orochimaru a playful punch in the shoulder. "You're welcome."

"O-oh. Thank you."

"If you really wanna say thanks, you can buy me some manju from Sorato-san's place tomorrow, okay?"

"Huh?"

"I'm kidding, 'Maru!"

Orochimaru's face bypasses all shades of scarlet and turns maroon.

"Sorry..."

Internally, Orochimaru squirms (whether from happiness or embarrassment, he isn't sure).

~oOo~

"Heh. How'd I know you'd be here?"

The voice behind Orochimaru is nostalgic- so close to Jiraiya's, but coarsened with age and far too many cigarettes. Hearing it surprises him enough to turn his head.

Jiraiya's father is ancient now, leaning heavily on a wooden cane. He struggles to kneel, his movements stiff and awkward.

He smiles at Jiraiya's memorial, deepening the spiderweb of wrinkles on his face. After a brief struggle to disentangle the plastic bag hanging from his cane, he pulls out a box of takeout and lays it carefully at the base of the statue with a heavy sigh. Orochimaru catches the smell of garlic and karaage chicken.

(Jiraiya's favorite. So his father remembers.)

"You haven't aged a day," the old man remarks.

Orochimaru shrugs, and keeps his silence.

"I'm glad you're here, though. That'd make Jira real happy..."

The man rubs his eye with the heel of his hand and barks out a hollow laugh.

"Happier than me showin' up, anyway. He prolly wishes he could come down and kick my low-life ass for bein' here!"

His laughter turns into a hacking cough halfway through, while Orochimaru ponders whether it's worth the effort to pat him on the back. Eventually though, he regains himself without intervention, and is able to speak once more.

"Y'know, they always say the greatest tragedy is when a parent has to bury their kid," he says, darkly. "But they never tell ya just how much worse it blows when you don't even have a body to bury..."

That joyless smile again.

"I hadn't talked to my own son in thirty-eight years, then one day Tsunade just...shows up at my apartment one day and tells me he's dead...It sucks. It sucks and it's all my fault."

Emotion threatens to strangle him, his voice cracking an entire octave.

"Last thing he said to me was the exact same thing his mom said the day she left- 'I hope you burn in hell, you bastard!'"

Orochimaru raises an eyebrow.

"I can't blame him for being mad though. I was a lousy excuse for a father. He needed me, and I was too boozed up to care- until it was too late to fix everything."

"I guess we both let him down," Orochimaru muses.

"Ha! Who woulda thought the two of us had something in common?"

Orochimaru shakes his head and smiles tiredly at the not-Jiraiya beside him.

"I suppose we do," he acquiesces, resting his chin in his hands.

"Still- I'm glad Jira had you for a friend."

Orochimaru blinks, regarding the wizened man with incredulity. His mood seems to have lifted a bit, and his grin at Orochimaru is more genuine.

"I mean, I was a piece of shit that couldn't be the kinda dad he needed, but you and Tsunade were the kind of friends he needed. I'm happy Jira at least got that much."

Orochimaru frowns, creasing his brow in confusion.

However, he doesn't say the things he wants to. Instead, he merely says "Thank you."

The man socks Orochimaru in the arm- although it doesn't quite hurt, Orochimaru scowls a bit.

"Hey, cheer up- I bet Jira's real glad you're home safe."

Orochimaru's eyebrow shoots upward.

"Really? I'd bet he'd have a few choice words to say to me."

"Heh. That makes two of us, buddy."

A noisy murder of crows flies overhead, briefly blotting out the sun.

Orochimaru rises to his feet, helping Jiraiya's father up as well.

"Thanks. You're alright, kid."

Orochimaru internally bristles at being called 'kid', but he brushes it off.

"I'll be seein' ya, I guess. Take care of yourself, alright?"

"You too," is the only response Orochimaru can manage.

* * *

 

"How are you, mom?"

Tsunade makes herself smile, even though it feels tight and painful. Her mother beams at her, gesturing from her chair for Tsunade to come over and hug her.

"I'm fine, love. How about you, though? I haven't seen you in awhile!"

Tsunade carefully embraces her mother, paranoid about snapping her frail frame in half. Her mother doesn't seem to mind, though, and hugs her back with all the strength left in her body.

"I'm sorry, mom. I've had to help Naruto with this wedding planning nonsense. I'd forgotten how hard it all is."

"Well, I'm sure you're doing a fine job!"

Tsunade sits in the other armchair, fidgeting and averting her gaze out the window of her mother's room, then to the loud floral print of the armchairs.

"I'm really sorry, mom. I didn't mean to stay away for so long."

"Don't apologize- and stop chewing your nails. You're a grown woman!"

Her mother's scolding is lighthearted, but Tsunade obeys right away.

"Tsunade, it's okay, really. I knew you were okay, and that's what matters to me."

Tsunade sighs, hanging her head in shame.

"Well, that's actually kinda what I need to talk to you about," she mumbles.

"Huh?"

"...Mom..."

_Damn it, don't cry..._

"I...I shouldn't have left. Especially without telling you. It was an awful thing to do. I'm so sorry."

"Oh, Tsunade..."

"Fifteen years...for fifteen years, I ran away from everything. I drowned every terrible feeling at the bottom of a liquor bottle. I ran away from how badly everything hurt, and I didn't say a word to you the whole time. I'm a horrible daughter- I'm so sorry."

"Don't you talk like that!"

Tsunade blinks in surprise.

"Tsunade, I won't allow you to speak so poorly of yourself! Regardless of what happened, you're my daughter and I love you."

Her mother takes her hand with a surprising amount of force, a fierce look in her weary, ancient eyes.

"Was I angry? Absolutely. I was furious with you. I was terrified I would never see you again. I lost so many nights of sleep worrying about you. But at the same time, I understood what you had to be feeling."

She squeezes Tsunade's hand lovingly.

"It's alright, Tsunade. You don't need to apologize for anything. I already forgave you."

"Mom..."

"Hey, don't make that face. Nawaki would hate to see you so sad."

In the silence, a stray cat peers briefly through the window, before darting up a tree. Tsunade watches it passively, hoping her mother won't notice that she's crying, because she just can't hold it in any longer.

"Oh dear, you'll smudge your makeup carrying on like that."

(Too late.)

"Tsunade, I mean it. It's alright. I'm not angry anymore."

Tsunade makes a valiant attempt to smile once again.

"Uncle always said you were too soft on me."

"Well, I say you're already hard enough on yourself. You've always done your best, alright? Don't keep beating yourself up over the past."

~oOo~

"Mama, what're you doing?"

Orochimaru approaches cautiously, curiously, reaching out to gently tug at the leg of his mother's uniform pants. Hoping his mother won't be too cross at him for leaving the house alone.

She doesn't look down at him, yellow eyes still firmly fixated on the pond before her. Her breathing is the only thing animating her thin body.

"Oh, nothing much," she answers, her voice heavy.

"What're the rocks for?"

She glances at the smooth stone clutched in her left hand. Then at the stack of similar stones she's collected beside her.

"I just had to get rid of some troubles, is all."

"What's that mean?"

The woman smiles wearily at her son, then looks again out on the pond before her.

"When my mind's in a jumble, I always find a bunch of nice stones to take here. I tell each of them one of my troubles, then see how far I can skip them across the water, Then, the rock sinks to the bottom, and takes my trouble with it- the further it skips, the harder it'll be for the trouble to come back to find me."

Orochimaru's little face lights up with understanding. He grins up at his mother, hugging her legs tightly.

"I get it, mama!" He chirps.

The woman releases a pent-up sigh. She holds the stone in her hand to her lips, and mouths words Orochimaru can't understand. Then, in one graceful motion, she tosses it out over the water.

Once. Twice. Three times, it skips over the surface of the water, before falling down, down, down, into the murky depths of the pond. Pretty lily pads scatter on the ripples in the water, circling the falling stone like loved ones around a coffin.

"Did it take your trouble, mama?" Orochimaru asks.

"Oh, for now," his mother answers, picking him up and holding him close. "But you don't have to worry about that. Let's go home, alright? Your father will be home soon."

"But what about the rest of your troubles, mama?" Orochimaru's tiny brow is knitted with the utmost concern as he eyes the pile of rocks left behind.

His mother kisses his forehead.

"Don't you worry about that, pretty boy," she murmurs against his hair. "My troubles aren't yours to bear."

 


	13. Buried Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, this is totally filler. But I hope it's at least entertaining filler!

**~oOo~**

"Grampa!"

"Hey! There's my little girl! C'mere and give me a hug!"

Tsunade throws herself headlong into Hashirama's arms the moment he walks through the door. He picks her up and swings her around, making her squeal in delight.

"You're getting so big, Tsuna! Soon I won't even be able to pick you up anymore!"

"You'll still love me though, right?" Tsunade asks in a worried tone, chubby face affixed in a frown.

"Oh, Tsuna- of course I will!"

Hashirama hugs her close, a boisterous laugh bursting from his throat.

(Tsunade doesn't notice that he holds her close for longer than he normally would. Or that his laugh is a little forced.)

"I'll love you no matter what, Tsuna!"

"Father! You made it!"

Hashirama beams at his daughter.

"Hey, Utamori! Sorry I'm late!"

"It's just fine," Tsunade's mother assures, pulling her father and daughter into a hug. "Haruki should be back in an hour or two, so we can all sit down for dinner then."

"Well, not everyone," Hashirama mumbles sheepishly. "Tobirama decided he's too busy to come over tonight, so he'll have to catch up with you some other time."

"No Tobi-ojii?" Tsunade pouts.

"No, not tonight, kid," Hashirama says apologetically. "But he promises he'll come see ya soon, okay?"

Tsunade scowls, but it soon evaporates into a grin when Hashirama swings her around again.

"Who needs stuffy ol' Tobirama to have fun anyway?" He scoffs. "We can have lots of fun on our own! We'll play cards, alright?"

"I'm gonna win this time!" Tsunade giggles, kicking her feet in the air in delight.

She doesn't catch the hollow, heavy tone in her grandfather's voice, or see the pained note in his usually bright smile. But Hashirama is glad for that-

(How could she know? She's just too young.)

* * *

 

* * *

Tsunade feels terribly naughty, sneaking out when her mother and father think she's sound asleep. But she can't find rest tonight- and she's always wanted to know what adults talk about when she's been banished to her bed.

She peers around the entry to the living room, very careful not to be spotted.

Her mother, father, and grandfather are all gathered around the kotatsu, nursing cups of tea and looking very grim. Grampa in particular looks almost ill, staring into his cup of tea like he wants to drown in it.

"What happened, Father?" Utamori urges softly, rubbing soothing circles on his back.

"I just...I don't know what happened," Hashirama says forlornly, cradling his head in his hands. "I wish I understood...but she'd never said anything to anyone…"

"There was nothing you could've done, Father," Utamori tries to reassure him.

Tsunade frowns, creeping forward ever so slightly; she cranes her neck to better hear what's going on.

"You couldn't have known she'd do what she did," Tsunade's father says emphatically. "You can't blame yourself!"

"But what's gonna happen now?!" Hashirama moans. "For God's sake, she has a son- he's no older than Tsunade-"

"He'll be taken care of," Utamori promises. "You had the orphanage built just for times like this, remember? He'll have a home, and people to look after him."

Tsunade finds herself abruptly unable to swallow- a lump of emotion has lodged itself firmly in her throat. Her heart aches to see her grandfather so distraught.

"I know...I just- I wish there was something I could've done…" Hashirama lays his head on the kotatsu and lets out a miserable groan.

"It feels like Madara all over again…"

Tsunade turns around and scampers back to her room before any of the adults notice her eavesdropping. She crawls under the covers and allows herself to cry, her grandfather's tormented face etched into her mind.

She's never seen Grandpa so sad before. Actually, she's never seen him anything but perfectly bright and cheerful. It's foreign, and makes her heart hurt to even think about.

_Grandpa looks so sad…_

She feels a bit useless, and a bit silly for crying. But if Grampa is crying, it must be okay.

**~oOo~**

"...Mama…?"

Orochimaru crawls tentatively to the limp figure on the floor in front of him. Blood soaks through his clothing, and makes the floor slippery and treacherous. He shakes the seemingly lifeless body, getting a low groan in response.

"Mama- Papa is-"

His mother rolls over with a Herculean effort, reaching out to caress the face of her child one last time.

"...I'm so sorry, pretty boy," she whispers, voice weak and raspy.

"Mama-"

The woman's hand falls limply to the floor, leaving a bloody imprint of itself on the boy's cheek.

"Be brave, pretty boy...I love you so much…"

"Don't go," Orochimaru whimpers. "Not you, too…"

But no sooner have the words left the boy's lips, than the light leaves his mother's eyes, her last breath fleeing in a horrible rattle.

"Mama no!" The child howls, throwing himself over her body and wailing in despair.

He screams until he runs out of breath, but it isn't enough. It'll never be enough.

It takes hours (an eternity to a small child) for anyone to come around and find him.

He remembers screeching kicking and begging- " _Don't take my mama away!"_ But he's treated as though he has no voice, slung carelessly over an officer's shoulder and carried away despite his protests.

That image of his mother, drained of life and bloodless, burns itself into his mind.

From then on, no matter how hard he tries, when he pictures his mother in his mind-

That's the only one he can see.

**~oOo~**

Itachi is perhaps thirteen years old when Orochimaru finally gets to meet him properly.

It was a typical day in Amegakure, when Pain gathered them all together. Despite his usually stoic demeanor, today he seems excited. Almost giddy.

Everyone knows what that look means. Pain gets it so rarely that it's unmistakable.

"Today we welcome a new member into the Akatsuki," he announces, pride puffing up his chest.

Konan gently motions at someone concealed behind Pain; the figure emerges quite reluctantly.

Though it's been nearly a decade since he's seen it, Orochimaru knows that face well. He remembers it from a day that seems a lifetime away. He'd been visiting his parents' graves, when a tiny child with a grim expression had approached him, tiny hands clenched as he spoke.

" _What's the point of life?"_ He had asked, in all the innocent earnestness of a child.

" _There isn't one."_ Orochimaru had replied. " _If there was a reason to be alive, why would we ever die?"_

Orochimaru didn't see more than the briefest glimpse of the child after that, and had left Konoha for good not long after.

The boy is still small for his age. Thin, as well- almost gaunt, with bony hands and hollow, heavy-lidded eyes. Dry blood is sprayed across his face and clothing, plastering jet black hair to his pallid forehead. A deep gash tears its way through the front of his standard-issue shinobi flak jacket- like someone had tried to stab the child through the heart.

"This is Uchiha Itachi- formerly of the Hidden Leaf. He'll be one of us from now on, so treat him kindly."

_(Uchiha._ That's a name Orochimaru hasn't heard in quite some time.)

Konan hands the boy a shiny, dangerously sharp kunai. Itachi fumbles to pull his Konoha headband from one of his jacket's many pockets.

The fingers that curl around the kunai's handle are mangled and scarred. Crooked from being broken too many times. Hands that should never belong to a boy so very young. Still, they grip the weapon surely, and Itachi gouges a deep scratch, right through the center of the leaf. All the while, those dead black eyes never waver.

He raises those eyes (those lifeless, haunted eyes- Sasori's puppets have more life in theirs) to inspect the people before him. Kakuzu regards the child with disinterest. Sasori gives the boy a clinical up-and-down glance, as if he's already planning what sort of puppet he could make out of the boy.

"Kisame, he'll be your partner."

Kisame bears his teeth in a mockery of a smile.

"Sounds good to me," he says, eyeing the boy with predatory eagerness. "Let's get along, shall we, Itachi-san?"

Pain clasps the boy's shoulder for the briefest of moments- perhaps in reassurance, perhaps in congratulations, then takes his leave, Konan on his heels.

Itachi regards the men before him with that same stony expression. His gaze lingers on Kisame for a few more seconds, unperturbed by the man who is now his partner.

"Well then, should I show you your room, Itachi-san?"

Itachi follows Kisame out of the room- again, without a word.

"He doesn't say much, does he?" Sasori remarks.

"Good," Kakuzu replies. "The last thing we need around here is some loudmouthed brat."

Orochimaru frowns, gaze fixed on the spot where the boy had been standing; those dead, haunted eyes are burned into his mind.

(He knows that look far too well).

It takes mere hours before the reason for Itachi's defection from the leaf to come to light.

The Uchiha clan is dead. And sad little Itachi is the one who killed them.

He doesn't see the boy for the rest of the day.

* * *

 

* * *

Orochimaru is up late (as he generally is), going over some old scrolls he'd managed to coax Kakuzu into letting him borrow.

Somewhere past three in the morning, he decides a cup of tea is in order, so he heads to the common area to make one. He's somewhat surprised to find Itachi already in the kitchen.

The boy stares idly at the kettle on the stove, the flickering flame dancing in the depths of those pitch black eyes.

(He's washed away the blood and grime from his ghastly deed. Changed into soft, gray flannel pajamas. Combed the knots from his lovely, dark hair. But no matter how well he cleaned up on the outside, nothing could put the shattered little doll boy back together again.)

The way his shoulders bow beneath an imaginary weight, the way he moves as though his limbs are lead- Orochimaru has seen it before. And though the Uchiha child's face is as blank as ever, the deep red rims around his bruise-ringed eyes betray the fact that he's been crying.

Orochimaru approaches him carefully (there's no sense in frightening him, after all).

"Up a bit late, aren't you, Itachi-kun?"

The slight surprised hitch in Itachi's breath is the only acknowledgement he receives.

"If you're making tea, I'd like some myself if you don't mind."

A low sound emanates from the boy, but he still keeps his silence. He does, however, fetch another cup from the cupboard for him.

Though neither of them mention it, they both realize the tremor in Itachi's hands. The kettle whistles at him, and he turns the stove off.

"Hey, be careful-"

" _Ow!"_

Hot water slops from the kettle's spout, spilling over the child's hands. Orochimaru catches the heavy kettle before it can fall.

"Itachi-kun, are you alright?"

Orochimaru sets the kettle aside, and reaches to take the boy's scalded hands.

Itachi's eyes go wide, and he recoils, a weak "no-" escaping him. The tremors that started in his hands spread to his whole body.

And that's when realization chills Orochimaru's blood.

He sighs, casting a pitying look on the boy.

"Let me have a look, Itachi-kun."

"Don't touch me," Itachi croaks, taking a wobbly step backward.

"Shh. I'm not going to do anything. I just want to look at those burns of yours."

The boy is so distrustful. Like a feral cat (or a wounded bird).

Orochimaru gently urges the boy to sit at the table. He wrings a cloth out under the faucet and brings it to him.

"Here, Itachi-kun. This will help."

A whimper bubbles up from his throat, and the Sharingan springs to life in his eyes.

Orochimaru kneels at the table as well, and once again reaches for the boy's hands; this time, Itachi reluctantly yields them.

The skin(angry red from the boiling water) is a tapestry of scars and half-faded bruises. He feels the boy's gaze burning into him. Feels the boy quaking in terror.

He turns them over, and hears the boy moan from fright.

"Oh dear…"

Two deep scars run their way down Itachi's wrists, tracing a jagged path along the pale blue vein just beneath the skin. A vicious, ugly, angry scar- not quite fully healed.

Orochimaru is very familiar with this type of scar.

"Oh, Itachi-kun."

The boy turns his head away from him, face going red from shame.

Orochimaru doesn't press the subject. He wraps the cool towel around the child's hands; a shudder of relief runs up the boy's spine.

"There. It's not so bad, is it?"

Itachi's shoulders heave, a wet sob strangled in his throat. Even with his head turned, Orochimaru can see the tears falling (though he'd never say a word about it).

Itachi is older now than he was that day they first met. Taller. Stronger. But in this moment, he's still the same small child Orochimaru encountered in that lonely graveyard, so very long ago.

"Itachi-kun-"

The boy shakes his head, stubbornly refusing to acknowledge that he's crying.

"...They got you, didn't they?"

Itachi blinks once, confused.

"What do you-"

"It's alright, Itachi-kun. They got me, too."

Itachi's wide eyes grow wider still, his breath catching in his throat as realization washes over him.

"You poor child…"

(If Orochimaru still has a heart, it might break for this sad boy.)

Orochimaru gathers the broken little doll into his arms, as if the hollow gesture could somehow make the pain go away.

Itachi flinches at first. He acts like he's going to jerk away, but halfway through, decides not to. He buries his face in Orochimaru's shoulder, allowing himself the illusion of being comforted. He releases a great, shuddering breath, letting out a whine similar to a wounded puppy.

"It hurts…"

"I know."

It lasts maybe ten seconds before Itachi pushes him away. Orochimaru offers the child a pitying not-quite-smile.

"I'll make us that tea, Itachi-kun. You'll feel better then." (They both know that's a lie.)

Itachi nods in agreement.

(Orochimaru supposes he should get used to Itachi being silent.)

 


	14. Naruto's Wedding!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein I skim over the actual ceremony because I don't wanna fuck up portraying a Japanese wedding ceremony. Also, someone needs to tell Orochimaru that Kurama's not an "it".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I wrote my own version of the wedding because I'm not fond of how it played out in canon.

* * *

Orochimaru remembers why he hates crowds now.

The crush of people piling into one single building is more people than he's seen in his entire life. Sand village, Mist village, Rain village- people from all of the great villages (and a couple dozen smaller ones) are gathered together, all to celebrate the wedding of their young savior.

How cute.

And how _loud._

Orochimaru doesn't know how anyone can hear their individual conversations, given the cacophony going on all around him. He's been in active war zones quieter than this.

He keeps his head down, not quite keen on being spotted just yet, and makes his way in with everyone else.

The Raikage and his brother talk boisterously with the young Kazekage, who smiles politely and nods along, but doesn't seem to be saying much himself. The Tsuchikage is accompanied by his grandchildren, leaning on a cane and moving slowly, but stubbornly inching his way forward.

Might Gai is being pushed in a wheelchair by his dutiful student, still as cheerful as ever, the both of them conversing loudly with Kakashi. A pretty blonde girl hangs off Sai's arm, talking his ear off while he smiles contently at her. The Mizukage is making valiant attempts to flirt with  handsome young man, who squirms uncomfortably and scans the room for an escape.

He scans the rows upon rows of seats, looking for the one bearing his own name.

That doesn't hold his attention very long though- he finds himself curiously reading off the names of people who couldn't possibly make it to the big event.

For one, unless Deidara managed to un-explode himself, dress up and arrive in quite short order, he probably wouldn't make it in time. Nor would Nagato, for that matter- or Konan, or the rest of the Akatsuki, taking up half a row toward the back.

A few seats behind that, Orochimaru finds one bearing his own name.

Along with a couple others.

Beside his chair, is one with a placard reading _Kiyohime._ Beside that one, another reading _Shingetsu._

(It's been so long since he's seen those names that he'd nearly forgotten them.)

Reading them makes his heart forget to beat for a second or three, his stomach twisting itself into complicated knots. He sinks into his seat before his legs decide to stop supporting him. He wishes he could keep sinking through, straight through the floor and away from here.

(How the hell did Naruto find out his parents' names?)

"Sakura, you made it!"

"Mom! Dad! Hey!"

Orochimaru's attention is gratefully drawn to the conversation nearby.

Sasuke's little lover is visibly pregnant, now. Pressed close to his side, she smiles at the people Orochimaru assumes are her parents. Sasuke's eyes wander around the room, and he fidgets uncomfortably, arm wrapped around her shoulder for moral support. Sakura has one arm wrapped around her lover's waist, another on the prominent swell of her belly.

Someone seems to finally have informed Sasuke about what a hairbrush is, as his normally unkempt hair lays flat, pulled away from his face, making him look quite a bit older (and quite a bit more like his brother).

(Orochimaru notices the Uchiha crest embroidered on the back of Sakura's kimono.)

"Isn't everything wonderful?" Sakura gushes, marvelling at the elaborate decorations. "It's like a dream!"

"You know," Sakura's mother says, in that meaningful, motherly tone, "we could still do something nice like this for you and Sasuke-san-"

Sasuke's grip around Sakura tightens the smallest fraction, and he frowns.

"No, it's okay, mom! Really!" Sakura insists, taking Sasuke's hand and squeezing it, all the while still smiling. "I never really wanted a big, fancy wedding anyway."

(Her tone indicates that she's fibbing- mostly to herself.)

"Besides, it's not really about the wedding, is it? I'm just happy being with Sasuke. That's what's important."

Sasuke turns red in the face, like he's unsure how to process this affection.

The conversation doesn't get much further, though, as a flying mass of red hair interrupts them.

"Sasuke! Look what we got!"

Karin speaks in a gleeful, singsong tone, carrying a box in her arms,and accompanied by (a significantly less energetic) Juugo and Suigetsu.

"We all pitched in and got cute stuff for the baby! Look!"

Karin shoves the box into Suigetsu's arms, taking off the lid and rummaging inside.

"Isn't it adorable?!"

Karin triumphantly holds up a tiny blue onesie, emblazoned with its own tiny Uchiha crest on the back. She squeals in delight as she proudly shows it off.

"We got them in all sorts of colors, so the baby will always have something cute to wear! Let's see, there's a green one, a yellow one, this one's purple- oh, the red one is my favorite!"

Sakura and her parents beam at Karin. Sasuke's expression is...hard to read.

"Thank you so much!" Sakura says, with a grin, taking the box from Suigetsu.

"There's booties n' stuff in there too," Suigetsu adds. "You guys are gonna have the best dressed little potato in the village."

Karin glares at him, but doesn't tell him to shut up or anything like she normally would. Her tolerance for Suigetsu's antics is almost as startling as the fact that Juugo is smiling.

"Have you guys thought of a name?" He asks, with a level of excitement in his voice Orochimaru has never heard from him before.

"A name? Oh- not really, actually…" Sakura mumbles.

"But it's gonna be born soon!" Juugo says emphatically. "It has to have a name!"

"We'll have a name for her," Sasuke grumps.

"Her?" Suigetsu raises an eyebrow. "How do you know it's a her?"

Sasuke shrugs, his arm sliding from Sakura's shoulders to her waist.

"Sasuke just has a feeling, you know?" Sakura answers, leaning into him.

"What's a feeling gotta do with-"

"-Hey, let's find our seats," Sakura's father interjects. "It'll be starting soon!"

"Yeah, that's a good idea-I think I saw them up near the front."

When they start to make their way up, Sasuke turns his head and briefly locks eyes with him. The boy nods at him, once, before following Sakura and her parents to their seats up front.

"Alright, where the fuck are ours, anyway?" Suigetsu grumbles.

"Watch your mouth! It's a wedding!" Karin snaps.

"Guys."

Juugo jerks his head in Orochimaru's direction.

"Over here."

Sasuke must have helped Naruto seat all the guests- Juugo is quite wisely seated between Karin and Suigetsu, a silent barrier to their constant bickering. He offers Orochimaru a smile he doesn't feel like returning.

"Oh I can't wait til it starts!" Karin gushes, already misty-eyed. "Brides are always the prettiest women in the whole world! I really wish Sasuke would've at least let us do something for his and Sakura's big day!"

"C'mon, you know Sasuke," Suigetsu grumbles, his mind obviously somewhere else, "he hates anything that's fun. Remember when ya tried to throw a party for his birthday?"

'...Don't remind me," Karin whines, hanging her head dejectedly. "Geez, why does he have to be that way?"

"Because he's Sasuke," Juugo replies, matter-of-factly. "Try not to take it too personally- he doesn't mean to upset anyone."

"I know, but-"

_How touching,_ Orochimaru thinks, still keeping his silence.

He spots Tsunade making her way to her seat with the other Kage, and gets lost for a moment looking at her.

She looks...positively angelic.

Her hair is twisted into an elaborate braid, wrapped and pinned around her head like a soft, golden halo. Her eyes lit up with happiness, smiling lips painted rose petal pink. Draped in gold and emerald, she truly does look like a princess.

_Tsunade-hime._

She doesn't look back or notice he's there, but that's alright- for now, he'd rather nobody notice at all, lest it spoil the bride and groom's big day. He's content to observe, and can't help but smile when she says something clever that makes the Mizukage laugh.

Along the wall, Gamabunta and his family talk amongst themselves, hopping in anticipation.

The chatter abruptly dies down when the giant double doors open.

Arm in arm, Naruto and Hinata make their way up the aisle- both nervous, both shaking. But they hold on to each other and keep moving forward. Hinata's father at her side, and Iruka at Naruto's. Trailing behind them, head held up proudly, to the silent shock of everyone, is the Kyuubi.

Once they reach the altar, the creature sits, docile as a lamb, swishing its tails contentedly. When Naruto hesitates for a moment, it nudges his free hand, urging him onward.

Naruto and Hinata clasp hands across the altar. In the dead silence, the ceremony begins.

* * *

"Alright! Let's eat!" Naruto declares, when the ceremony is finally over. He sweeps Hinata up in his arms, grinning that bright, warm grin he inherited from his mother. The crowd rises from their seats and follows the newlyweds into an enormous banquet hall (was it built just for the occasion?). The chatter starts back up again, and Orochimaru tries to find Tsunade in the crush of people.

Maybe he isn't paying as much as he should've been- He bumps into someone, loses his footing, and nearly falls over.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" A too familiar voice exclaims. "Are you alr-"

Orochimaru tries to brush Kabuto off- but Kabuto has already recognized him.

His black eyes go wide with the realization, his face turning startlingly white.

"Papa, are you alright?" Asks one of the gaggle of children around him, tugging on his shirtsleeve anxiously.

Orochimaru sighs in defeat.

"It's been awhile, Kabuto," he says. "You look well."

Kabuto opens and shuts his mouth like a landed fish, but no words come out.

"You cut your hair," Orochimaru comments, trying to defuse the awkwardness.

"...O-Orochimaru-sama," Kabuto finally chokes, in a weak, raspy tone.

His knees hit the ground, an alarming gray color flooding his face.

"Papa!" A little redheaded girl cries out.

"Kana, go find Mama and Shizu-nee! Papa's sick!" A tawny-headed boy commands.

A tiny blonde girl with pigtail braids darts off into the crowd. Orochimaru doesn't know what to do with himself, so mostly just stands there feeling stupid. The group of worried children huddle around Kabuto; some shake him, while others tug on his clothes, trying to rouse him.

"You no good dirty son of a bitch!"

Orochimaru scarcely has time to turn his head before it slams into the wall so hard that stars pop into his vision.

"What-"

With a furious growl, and a sickening _crunch,_ pain shoots like electricity through his jaw. He vaguely hears people in the crowd gasp, but nobody does much of anything to interfere.

"How fucking dare you- after everything- you're gonna fucking show up here-"

Anko's entire being shakes with rage, her voice cracking from emotion. Her trembling is so bad she can hardly keep her grip on his collar.

She goes to hit him again; he braces himself for it, but finds himself free as suddenly as he found himself against the wall. He opens his eyes, blinking from surprise and confusion.

Kabuto (who's roused himself startlingly quickly) is holding her back, kunai dangerously close to her throat. Shizune is holding _him_ back, saying words that stumble over each other so badly no one can understand her. And around all three of them, is wrapped the ghostly, skeletal hand of Sasuke's Susano'o.

"Knock it off," Sasuke grumbles, sounding annoyed, but not shocked.

"Why is he _here?_!" Anko demands, still thrashing against Kabuto's grip.

"Obviously because he was invited," Sasuke answers.

" _Why?!"_

"Because I wanted to, idiot!"

Naruto fights his way through the petrified crowd, anger furrowing his brow.

Orochimaru rubs his already swollen jaw (it doesn't seem to be broken, but damn it, it _hurts_ ), shaking the stars out of his vision. Naruto steps between him and Anko, drawing himself up to his full height.

"He's here because I wanted him to be here, okay?!" Naruto shouts, addressing the crowd as much as he is Anko. "If anyone's got a problem with that, they can bitch at me about it tomorrow- but today's my day to be a selfish prick, and right now all I want everyone to do is eat food and get drunk and have a good time, got it?!"

Anko glares daggers at Orochimaru, but lets out a shaky sigh of resignation. Gingerly, Kabuto lets her go. Shizune releases him as well, and the Susano'o vanishes. Sasuke sinks back into the mass of people as quickly as he'd appeared.

"I told you it was a bad idea," he grumbles at Naruto, though Naruto doesn't seem to hear him.

Anko storms out of the building, swearing under her breath

"She- I should go after her," Shizune mumbles, chasing behind her.

Naruto storms off back to Hinata's side, still fuming and muttering to himself. Something like "bastards," and "don't understand," but Orochimaru can't really hear it.

The crowd mumbles uncomfortably amongst themselves as they continue to follow Naruto. All except Kabuto.

"Papa, are you okay?"

Kabuto smiles that familiar smile at the children gathered behind him.

(That hollow smile. The fake one that never reached his eyes, that he always wore when he was lying through his teeth.

Orochimaru always hated it.)

"I'm just fine. I was just- surprised, is all."

He shakes his head and waves them off.

"You guys go ahead, okay? I'll be with you soon."

Though nervous, the children obey his request. As soon as they're on their way, Kabuto stops smiling.

"Are you alright?!" He asks, his voice still unsteady.

"...I deserved that," Orochimaru laughs, weakly.

"Here," Kabuto mumbles, already reaching toward him. "I'll fix that…"

The pain immediately alleviates. Kabuto's healing jutsu does exactly what it should, despite his hands shaking terribly.

"Will she be alright?" Orochimaru asks, to break the silence.

"I'm sure she'll be fine," Kabuto answers. "Just...just give her a minute."

"Okay, what the _hell_ did you do?"

Tsunade pushes her way through the crowd, voice tinged with exasperation.

"H-he didn't do anything!" Kabuto says defensively, turning bright red as he does so.

Orochimaru waves him off with a wry laugh.

"Anko just wasn't happy to see me, is all. I'm alright."

"You're fucking black and blue!"

"Just for a moment. Besides- someone was bound to try to clock me out at some point tonight, and if anyone deserved the pleasure, it was Anko."

Orochimaru laughs, even though he doesn't really find it funny. Kabuto and Tsunade both frown.

"I guess Naruto-kun should have warned a few people I'd be coming," he muses, not fond of their silence.

"That'd mean Naruto would have to put more than three seconds of thought into something before doing it," Tsunade replies, massaging her temples with a heavy sigh.

"That might be asking a bit too much of him."

They both laugh, this time. Kabuto- however, is still frowning, worry making deep furrows in his brow.

"...That should be good," he finally says, straightening up. "I'm...I should make sure Anko and Shizune are okay- they tend to start fighting when they're alone together."

Orochimaru tries to say something to him, but he's already gone.

"Well. If I didn't know any better, I'd say Kabuto-kun wasn't happy to see me either."

"Can't imagine why."

Tsunade gestures for him to follow her.

"Let's go. I wanna eat too much and drink until I forget my own name."

"Hm. I'd say that's a good idea right about now."

Side by side, they make their way toward the wedding dinner.

"Hey- you're wearing your hair back again," Tsunade remarks.

"What about it?" Orochimaru asks.

"It just looks good, y'know? You always hide behind it like you're some sort of ghost."

Orochimaru raises an eyebrow. Tsunade's cheeks turn the same pink as her lipstick.

"You've always had a nice face. It's sad when you hide it, is all."

Orochimaru isn't sure how to respond to that, so he merely shakes his head with a light chuckle.

"Well, I'm glad you approve."

"Just try not to piss anyone else off tonight, or you won't have that nice face for very long."

"I'll keep that in mind."

Together, they join the rest.

A wave of silence follows while the pair of them walk toward the open bar Tsunade has her eyes set on. She orders drinks for the both of them, mood significantly improved with the promise of alcohol. Before too long, she shoves a glass of something strong into his hands, along with a couple onigiri she'd snagged off a nearby tray.

"Stop with that face," she commands, draining half her glass in one swallow. "It's supposed to be a fun night."

Orochimaru shrugs, and occupies himself by nibbling at the edges of his onigiri. But while he does that, unwanted thoughts gnaw at the edges of his mind.

She'd really wanted to kill him. If she'd gotten the chance, Anko really would have killed him.

Not that she wasn't justified in wanting to kill him. Nor did he begrudge her feelings toward him. It's all his fault, after all.

But even knowing that… it doesn't sit right with him.

Damn it, he wishes he could've said something, rather than just stare at her like an idiot (though, really, is there anything he could've said?).

"Granny!"

Naruto half-tackles Tsunade in his haste to hug her, beaming ear to ear, flushed and giggling like a giddy schoolboy. His lovely bride giggles too, enamored with her new husband's earnestness.

"I seriously thought I was gonna faint up there!" he exclaims, squeezing Tsunade so hard her guts just might pop out.

"Hey, you made it through alright." Tsunade pats him on the head affectionately.

"We're glad you're here," Hinata says softly, joining in on the hug as well.

"I wouldn't have missed it for anything."

Orochimaru is about to go in for a sip of his drink, but before he can, he gets caught up in another one of Naruto's hugs.

"I didn't think you'd come!"

Naruto doesn't give him a chance to retort.

"Hey, Anko didn't bust your face up too bad, did she _dattebayo?_ That looked like it hurt!"

"I've had worse," Orochimaru replies, politely pushing Naruto away from him. "Don't worry your pretty little head over it."

The boy frowns, briefly- but only briefly.

"Well, I bet Kabuto'll cheer her up- he's good at that!" he says, bouncing up and down with happiness. "Hey, I gotta say hi to Gaara and Octopops- you guys have fun!"

Hinata lets out a small, long-suffering sigh, murmuring something along the lines of 'what a scatterbrain.'

"So, was it Naruto's idea to do that thing with the chairs?" Tsunade asks.

"Hm? Oh!" Hinata shakes her head. "I told him it might not be a good idea. But he said it'd mean a lot to him to try to remember those people today. So I let him do it, but I think it was a bit silly."

"No- I think it was cute!" Tsunade reassures her. "I just wondered, that's all. It's amazing he knew who half those people were."

"He's been doing all sorts of research these past few weeks. He said he wants to know everything he can. Although-"

She frowns.

"-I thought it was strange, when he said he didn't want one for Sandaime-sama. He never told me why...he'd always admired him, but…"

She trails of, like she doesn't know how to finish her sentence.

"I'm sure he'll explain later," Tsunade assures her. "After all, you're his wife now."

Hinata shrugs, and smiles politely at them.

"Well, I should follow him," she says. "Thank you two for coming."

She hurries (as fast as her heavy clothing will allow) to return to her husband's side. She joins Naruto in hugging Sasuke, who's quite red in the face and making half-hearted attempts to shove them away.

"She seems sweet," Orochimaru comments.

"She's a good girl," Tsunade affirms, finishing her drink. "Naruto's lucky."

Orochimaru watches Naruto go from person to person, giving out hugs and glowing like he's the happiest man on Earth.

"Hm. I'd say so, too."

 


	15. I knew it!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea.

"Anko, please-"

The peaceful quiet outside the wedding hall is shattered by furious ranting; a few passersby spare a concerned glance at the three of them.

"He has the fucking  _ nerve  _ to show up here!" Anko howls, her pretty face contorting with rage. "After fucking everything he did-"

"Please calm down," Shizune pleads.

"Why the hell should I calm down?!"

"Can we please try to be rational about this, Anko?" Shizune begs.

" _ I'm  _ being irrational?! Naruto let  _ him  _ walk right into the village like he never did anything wrong!"

"I'm sure there's a reason for it," Kabuto tries to assure her, though he feels his temper growing rather hot as well. "Even Naruto wouldn't let him come back unless there was a reason."

"The only fucking reason to let him come back is to hang the fucking bastard!" Anko growls.

Kabuto flinches, and falls silent.

"He got pardoned," Shizune reminds her. "He's got the same right to be here as anybody."

"I can't fucking  _ believe  _ you're defending him!" Anko's voice rises to a shriek. 'I expect Kabuto to take his side, but I didn't expect  _ you  _ to be lining up to suck his dick!"

Shizune glares at her, hands balling up like she desperately wants to hit the other woman.

"I'm not defending him!" she snaps back. "I'm defending Naruto!"

Her teeth clench up tightly to contain her own temper.

"Look, I'm not happy he's here either. But Naruto made a decision, and- at least for tonight- we have to respect that. You don't have to like it, but you'll just have to bear it for now, okay? It’s like Naruto said- you can yell at him about it tomorrow.”

Anko bites her lip, still trembling in anger.

Kabuto places a tentative hand on her shoulder.

"Come on- the kids are gonna wonder where we went."

"...Yeah. You're right."

Kabuto manages a feeble smile.

"Hey, it'll be okay," he murmurs. "If he does anything, I'll help you kill him myself, alright?"

Anko snorts, despite herself.

"Yeah. Alright. You got a deal."

* * *

 

Orochimaru has definitely had a bit too much to drink- his head feels fuzzy, and he's getting just a tad unsteady on his feet. Tsunade's had a good bit more than him, though, rosy-cheeked and swaying dangerously on the spot.

Neither of them, however, could hold a candle to how much Sasuke has put away over the course of the night. Quite frankly, it's amazing the boy is still upright with how much sake Orochimaru watched him drink.

(Where is he even keeping it all?)

The alcohol seems to have loosened the normally-fastidious boy's inhibitions; he and (also quite inebriated) Naruto seem to have forgotten what 'personal space' means, nearly grinding against each other in what might be a clumsy attempt at a hug. A handful of young women pretend to be scandalized, while quite obviously enjoying the view.

(It seems those two have a thing for each other- whether or not either of them would dare acknowledge it.)

Orochimaru's attention is drawn away by Tsunade grabbing his arm to steady herself. She slops a bit of sake down her front as she staggers.

"Maybe you should call it a night?" Orochimaru suggests.

"Nah,'m fine!" Tsunade insists, with a little giggle.

Orochimaru lets out a little put-upon sigh, and finds a place for them to sit. When they're seated, he spends a few moments watching Gai's utterly shitfaced student attempt to fight a coat rack.

"I would've said yes, you know."

"Hm?"

"Y'know," Tsunade says, bashfully. "If you'd asked me out. I would've gone out with you."

Orochimaru must be as red in the face as Sasuke now, given how warm it suddenly grows.

"...Good to know?" He mumbles, trying to maintain his composure.

Tsunade rests her head against him, her arms wrapping around his waist.

"-What are you doing?"

"Shh…"

She leans against him, and Orochimaru feels like his face might light on fire.

"Cuddling is nice," she mumbles, rubbing her cheek against his shoulder.

"D-don't you think it's bit odd to do out in the open? People are going to see-"

(Orochimaru is stuttering. Fucking stuttering. Fuck.

It has to be the sake. And not because he’s actually flustered.)

"Ah, fuck 'em!" Tsunade giggles once more.

Orochimaru makes what he hopes is a subtle effort to push Tsunade away, not feeling right at all about what's going on.

"Hey, Maru, what's wrong?"

(Apparently it wasn't subtle enough.)

Orochimaru freezes- it's been so long since he's heard that pet name that he'd all but forgotten it.

Tsunade pouts at him.

"C'mon, I thought you liked me-"

"I do, but-"

She cuts him off by, out of absolutely nowhere, trying to kiss him. Startled, Orochimaru puts a hand on her forehead and pushes her away.

"No fair," Tsunade whines.

"You're drunk." His voice takes the stern tone of a scolding parent.

"So what?"

"It's not right."

"I thought you liked kissing me."

"Not right now!"

(As tempting as the thought of kissing her is, Orochimaru has the sinking feeling that, were she sober, she wouldn't be trying to kiss him.)

Tsunade harrumphs at him.

"It's just a kiss. Don't be such a baby!"

She makes another attempt to kiss him, but loses her balance. She tries to use Orochimaru to steady herself, but only succeeds in shoving him out of his seat, sending them both toppling onto the floor, her on top of him.

"Ah fuck…"

Dumbstruck, Orochimaru just stares up at Tsunade, wondering if things could possibly get any more humiliating (or flustering).

The tip of her nose brushes against his, and he can smell the alcohol on her breath. Her body is pressed against him, warm and soft and  _ what the actual fuck is going on here? _

"I win."

Orochimaru turns his head.

Juugo has his hand held out toward Suigetsu, looking rather smug. Suigetsu grumbles, handing over a tidy sum of money.

"Oh, you two are awful!" Karin scolds the both of them. "You can't be betting money on matters of the heart, you know!"

Suigetsu and Karin devolve into bickering, as they’re wont to do. Both Tsunade and Orochimaru blink in surprise. Then, Tsunade snorts, and bursts out laughing.

"Oh my god, your face!" she cackles.

Orochimaru opens his mouth to try to say something, but all that comes out is a feeble croak.

"You guys need a hand?"

Naruto has all the hallmarks of one trying very hard not to laugh. To make matters still worse, Sasuke has to bite back a snicker.

"Are you guys okay?" Hinata asks, through her barely-contained giggles.

"Aw, we're fine!" Tsunade insists, pushing herself off Orochimaru and back onto her own two feet. "Maru's just bein' a stick in the mud, that's all!"

Orochimaru wonders if there's a jutsu that'll allow him to sink through the floor and right down to hell, so he can get out of this situation. He drags himself upright again, refusing to make eye contact with anyone.

"I knew it!" Naruto declares. "I knew you two liked each other!i just knew it!"

The both of them blush bright pink, and Naruto laughs at them.

Now, Orochimaru is wondering if dying is really so bad compared to this humiliation.

 


	16. By the Light of the Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, no smut just yet! Just feels. Lots of feels.
> 
> And Itachi. Cause the little bugger makes his way into fucking EVERYTHING I write.

* * *

"Lookit, Maru!"

Orochimaru's gaze follows Tsunade's hand upward, toward the milky light of the full moon.

"It's so pretty," she mumbles, hugging his arm tighter.

"Hm."

"Whoops!"

Tsunade stumbles, only barely catching herself before falling into the mud.

"...Let's get you home."

After a few minutes of watching her staggering around, Orochimaru decides it's much simpler to just carry her. She doesn't protest this, instead wrapping her arms around him and resting her head on his shoulder.

"My hero," she giggles.

Yep, she's drunk. Really, truly, shitface drunk.

It's a challenge, but he ignores the people stopping to gawk at him- it's only normal, he tells himself. After all, it's not like he didn't try to wreck the village the last time they saw him here. He just focuses on keeping his own balance, lest he embarrass himself or drop Tsunade.

(He's beginning to remember why he used to hate being the center of attention.)

"Hey- where'd it go?"

"Eh?"

Tsunade runs her fingers along Orochimaru's neck, raising goosebumps up his arms.

"That scar. It's gone," she remarks, sounding almost disappointed.

Oh.

"That one, too."

Her hand wanders up to his forehead, brushing up against his temple.

"I remember healing that one, too- you got knocked out of a tree while we were doing border patrol."

She pouts at him. He quirks an eyebrow back at her.

"What's wrong?"

"...It's weird," she mutters. "It's like you're a doll or something- too perfect to be real."

Orochimaru doesn't have a rebuttal.

When they make it to Tsunade's apartment, she spends an uncomfortable amount of time fishing around in her cleavage for the key. Orochimaru politely averts his eyes until she finally manages to get the door unlocked.

"Sorry about the mess- I've never actually had anyone over."

"...it's fine."

Orochimaru sets Tsunade on her bed, and leaves to grab a cloth to wipe her makeup off.

He has plenty of memories of having to put a drunk Tsunade to bed. But none after she'd tried to feel him up in a crowded room.

Needless to say, it's awkward. Very awkward.

(He takes a moment to splash some cold water on his face before he goes back.)

"Hey- I can do it myself."

She snatches the damp cloth out of his hand. He stares at the wall while she cleans up.

"What are you so scared of?"

"I'm not scared."

"Maru. Don't lie to me."

Tsunade grabs his shoulders, and pulls him down onto the bed with her.

"What-"

"It feels like you've been avoiding me ever since you kissed me. Did you decide you don't like me anymore?"

"What?! I didn't- I still-"

Orochimaru shakes his head, trying to find the right words.

"-It's my problem, not yours, okay?" he manages, after a few moments of stumbling over his own tongue.

('Awkward' is not a thing Orochimaru enjoys being.)

"I just got you back and you ditched me all over again!" Tsunade blurts out, her voice wavering dangerously.

Orochimaru's heart decides that skipping a beat or five is the appropriate response.

"Do you even know what you did to me when you left?!" Tsunade demands, nails biting through his clothing and into his skin.

He has no answer.

"For twenty fucking years I thought I'd lost you forever...and now you're back, but not really because apparently you're just gonna vanish for months on end, right after telling me you love me! How the hell do you think that makes me feel?!"

...Oh. That's what this is about…

Fuck.

"Is there something wrong with me? Is that why you're ignoring me?"

"No!"

(God damn it. Tsunade is making him feel like a lovestruck teenager all over again.)

"No, Tsunade- there's nothing wrong with you. And I'm not ignoring you."

"Then look at me, damn it!"

Orochimaru obeys her.

Tsunade is crying in earnest, now. Those lovely brown eyes that so entranced him in his youth are boring straight through him, full of anger and frustration and a million other emotions that boil to the surface in her tears; each one is like a tiny dagger of guilt driven straight through Orochimaru's heart.

"...I'm sorry," Orochimaru manages, meekly. He feels stupid- childish and keenly out of place.

(This is his fault. Once again, Tsunade is crying, and it's all his fault. )

"I should-"

"You're not leaving!"

Tsunade throws herself against him, sobbing into the crook of his neck.

"I'm tired of everyone I love leaving! I'm tired of being alone!"

Hesitantly, Orochimaru wraps his arms around her.

"I won't let you leave again!" She insists.

Her hand seeks out his, grabbing it with a nearly bruising force.

"...I won't," he says, softly.

_She's just drunk._ He reminds himself. _That's the only reason she wants me with her. None of this means anything._

Tsunade falls backward onto the pillows, half-dragging him into her lap.

"Hey-"

"I just wanna hold you. Shush," Tsunade scolds.

Her hand wanders up to his head, pulling at the tie holding his hair back. She tugs clumsily at it, until it comes loose, allowing her to run her fingers through the dark tresses. A small, mournful sound bubbles up from the back of her throat.

"...Why'd it have to be this way?" She asks.

"What do you mean?"

"Why'd everything have to be so fucked up?"

Tsunade bites her lip until it bruises; the look on her face reminds Orochimaru of an adorable little puppy that's just been kicked.

"Why can't it just be the way it was before?" She laments. "You and me, and Jiraiya and Sarutobi-sensei...Everything felt so much better back then. We were happier back then."

"That life was only ever an illusion," Orochimaru reminds her, softly.

"But I _wanted_ to believe it," Tsunade whines, hugging him closer to her.

Orochimaru cradles her head against his chest. He lets out a soft sigh, and closes his eyes.

"...So did I."

(She can hear his heart pounding away in his chest. Warm and real and _human._ )

"Kiss me," she pleads, desperation staining her voice. "So I know this isn't a dream…"

Hesitantly, one hand wanders to the nape of her neck. The other cups her face- the tears glitter like precious gems in the moonlight. She holds onto him like he's the only thing keeping her from drowning.

(This much is okay, right? Even if she's drunk?)

She tastes like alcohol and melancholy. She clings to him like she'll drown if she doesn't hold on. The moonlight coming through the window almost makes her skin seem to be glowing.

(She's beautiful. She's always been beautiful. Beautiful and warm and radiant and overwhelming- like the sun.

She's the sun, and he's the lonely moon that can only ever hope to reflect some of her light.)

He brushes away the stray tears falling from her lashes.

"Tsunade."

Her breath catches in her throat.

"...Do you love me?" He asks, though he's afraid of her answer.

"I…I don't know."

Tsunade shakes her head, trying to get some clarity.

"I don't know," she repeats. "My head's all fucked up- I'm not sure how I feel about anything anymore."

She frowns apologetically at him.

"All I'm sure about is that I'm scared as hell."

Orochimaru manages a half-chuckle.

"At least we have that in common."

He brushes away a stray wisp of Tsunade's hair.

"You should sleep now." He says, gently.

"...Stay with me?"

(He can't say no. Not when she's giving him that look.)

"Of course."

Gently, he pulls out the pin holding Tsunade's hair back, combing out the elaborate braid with his fingers. Tsunade lets out a contented little sigh.

After some clumsy, drunken fumbling, he manages to get her out of the heavy furisode she'd somehow managed to keep on all day without overheating. Tsunade tries to do the same for him, but is far too inebriated to work out the knots in the obi at his back. Smiling bemusedly at her efforts, he undoes it himself.

Tsunade pulls him in close again, the thin fabric of their juban the only thing separating them.

The only sound in the apartment is the low noise of rumbling in the pipes. Orochimaru shuts his eyes, wanting to savor the closeness for as long as he can.

Tsunade succumbs to sleep first, her grip on him relaxing as she drifts off. Orochimaru holds out a bit longer, enjoying the warmth of her body, the softness of her skin, and the light smell of lilies of her perfume.

He lays his head against her chest, listening to the steady rhythm of her heart- that gentle reassurance that she's alive, and real.

(It's been a very long time since he's been so close to another person.)

**~oOo~**

It's the one day of the week where the perpetual rain of Amegakure lifts, allowing the sun to part the iron-gray clouds and warm the lonely village.

Orochimaru goes outside to get some desperately-needed sunlight on his skin. He decides to head over to the edge of the village, where a group of black willows keep a silent vigil at the lakeside.

A small group of crows scatters as he approaches, retreating to watch him from the trees.

A particular, rather angry young crow squawks at him, flapping frantically around him in some attempt to be threatening, though it isn't brave enough to actually attack him. Orochimaru watches the little creature with a combination of amusement and annoyance.

"Hey, it's alright. Calm down, Sumi."

Startled, Orochimaru looks up.

Perched in the high branches of a particularly old tree, half-hidden by leaves, Itachi watches the scene below him with a serene, but solemn expression.

(The dark circles under his eyes just seem to get worse, the longer he's with Akatsuki. Today, they're so deep they nearly look like bruises.)

The boy crooks his arm, calling the crow to him with a gesture of his head.

The bird flies back to him, landing on his arm and croaking in displeasure. Itachi coos at the bird, stroking its glossy black feathers to calm it.

Something resembling a laugh rumbles in Orochimaru's throat.

"What are you doing up there, Itachi-kun?"

Itachi only shrugs in response, still crooning at the agitated crow. The bird makes an odd sort of rattling noise when Orochimaru climbs the tree, as well, flapping its wings in a pitiful attempt at a warning.

"...I don't think it likes me very much."

The barest hint of amusement lights up the boy's eyes.

"She's just anxious," Itachi answers, letting the bird hop up on his shoulder. "She just learned how to fly, after all."

"She?"

"Sumi is a girl."

"How can you tell?"

Itachi shrugs again.

Sumi the crow flutters her wings, and starts preening Itachi's hair.

"Well, she seems to like you, Itachi-kun."

"Hm."

Another crow flutters onto Itachi's lap, nipping playfully at his fingertips, demanding his attention.

"Alright, alright," he mumbles, petting the chattering bird. "You're pushy today, Yoru."

Orochimaru raises an eyebrow. Itachi seems to catch his confusion.

"I don't quite understand it myself," he says, "but they've always just seemed to trust me."

"Is that so?"

Sumi hops down to Yoru, and the two glance at Itachi, as if wanting his approval for something.

"Tell Hane I said hello, if you see her," he tells them.

The two birds take off to be with the rest of their flock.

Itachi's eyes are pointed in their direction, but unfocused- like he's not really watching them.

If there's something Orochimaru can't stand, it's an awkward silence. So he tries to make small talk to lighten the atmosphere.

"How are you getting along with Kisame?" He asks.

Itachi shrugs once more, and doesn't answer.

(Well then.)

"Have you been sleeping alright? You look tired."

Still no words, but Itachi does shake his head.

"I suppose you don't want to talk about why."

Itachi's fingers dig into the rough tree bark.

"...That's right."

"I suppose that's normal. Well then, I won't pester you about it."

He reaches out to pat Itachi on the head, but finds his wrist in a grip nearly tight enough to break it. Crimson flashes in his eyes,

Orochimaru offers a smile in an attempt to pacify the boy.

"Alright, alright," he chortles. "I'm sorry, Itachi-kun."

"...What do you want from me?"

Suspicion stains Itachi's voice, his grip around the man's wrist still threatening.

Orochimaru raises an eyebrow at him.

"Why would you ask that?"

"Well, why else would you be friendly with me?"

"Because you're interesting, Itachi-kun."

The boy's eyes narrow dangerously.

"What does that mean?"

"It means exactly what I said, Itachi-kun."

Itachi is still glaring at him. Still suspicious- the Sharingan doesn't fade from his eyes.

Slowly, he releases Orochimaru's arm, leaving blossoming bruises behind.

He hops off the tree and back onto the ground, startling and scattering his avian companions. Orochimaru follows him down.

The boy's face has gone a rather...interesting shade of gray. He sways slightly on the spot, his eyes going hazy.

"Itachi-kun?"

"...Please just leave me alone," Itachi pleads, his voice quiet and shaky.

"Is something wrong?"

"I'm fi-"

Itachi's pretty face contorts in pain, cutting him off before he can complete the lie. He clutches the side of his head with a shaking hand, the word 'fine' turning to a feeble whimper.

A few more seconds, and Orochimaru finds himself catching the boy before he collapses in the mud.

He doesn't bother asking silly questions like ' _are you alright?',_ since the answer is pretty damn obvious. So he half-walks, half-drags Itachi to his bed, knowing the boy's pride would be wounded if he carried him.

Itachi curls into a little ball over the blankets, still clutching his head (as if it would burst open if he let go).

Though Orochimaru wants to stroke the poor boy's hair, and utter soothing words to him, he knows Itachi doesn't want any of it- or, rather, that Itachi wound reject such affectionate gestures. So, he decides on a more utilitarian way of helping him.

"I'll get you some medicine," he tells the boy, before leaving him alone in the quiet darkness.

Sasori looks up from his latest puppet creation when he enters their shared workspace, gray eyes following him while he mixes up the medication.

Orochimaru catches the unspoken question.

"Itachi-kun isn't feeling well," he explains.

There's a flash of something (jealousy, maybe?) on Sasori's face. But it doesn't last, and he soon returns to his usual apathetic expression.

"You seem to like him."

"I suppose I do."

"Don't get attached," Sasori cautions. "He's not the type to live very long."

"Oh? How do you figure?"

"It's his eyes," Sasori answers, matter-of-factly. "They're already dead. The rest of him won't take long."

Orochimaru doesn't have a response. Glass of medicine in hand, he leaves Sasori alone with his puppet.

"Don't worry," Sasori calls after him. "Once he's dead, I'll make you a nice puppet out of him."

Ignoring this, Orochimaru returns to Itachi's room.

The boy has his back turned to Orochimaru, still curled up tightly, and still shaking. He flinches when the light from the hallway spills into the room.

"This will help you."

He sets the glass of thick green liquid down on the bedside table.

Itachi turns his head, casting yet another distrusting look at him. Orochimaru feigns at being offended.

"Itachi-kun, if I were going to poison you, I'd be more subtle about it."

The joke makes Itachi do something rather out of character- he smiles. Really, truly, and honestly smiles.

He pulls himself upright enough to take the glass, draining the unpalatable concoction as quickly as possible.

The effect is immediate. The tension immediately leaves his body; like cutting the strings of a marionette, his entire being goes limp- weakened, perhaps, by whatever was causing him so much pain.

Itachi doesn't say anything, of course, but the look of relief on his face is enough of a thank-you.

"Well, I'll leave you alone like you wanted."

Itachi nods, just once. Orochimaru leaves, just as he had promised.

_He's not the type to live very long_

Orochimaru wonders if, maybe, Sasori is right. And if he is- whether that's a bad thing or not.

 


	17. Morning's light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mushy romantic stuff, and some reminiscing about the past.

**~oOo~**

A certain thrill always comes over Orochimaru whenever he sneaks out of bed at night. Something about defying the orphanage matron- even if she was only aware of half his nighttime wanderings.

(He's long ago learned that you're only in trouble if you get _caught_.)

He makes his way through the deserted village streets, to the place he'd once called home.

He ducks under the faded police tape, to the abandoned building he'd been dragged from two years ago.

The door shrieks as he opens it; the floor creaks dangerously under his feet. He creeps up the rickety stairs, seeking out the bedroom that used to be his. Whenever he can't sleep, he slips away from the orphanage, to the place his memories lie-

(-Both fondest memories, and the worst nightmares.)

Tonight, however, something pulls him away from his old room, toward his parents' bedroom at the other end of the hall. He pauses briefly at the threshold, an anxious feeling making him hesitate briefly.

Mama and Papa's bed is exactly as it had been- neatly made, pillows fluffed, just as Mama always kept it.

Orochimaru climbs up on the dusty bed, curling up on it with a forlorn little sigh.

If he closes his eyes, and imagines with all his might, he can almost feel Mama and Papa's arms around him. If he really tries, he can almost hear their voices again.

" _C'mere, pretty boy. You don't need to be afraid. Mama's got you."_

" _It's okay, son. We're right here."_

_We're right here._

_**Liars.** _

Orochimaru whines, burying his face in the blankets in spite of the damp and the dust.

His eyes burn, but he doesn't cry. He won't allow himself.

It takes him a long time to fall asleep. As he begins to drift off, it almost feels as though the arms that he imagines wrap around him are real.

**~oOo~**

The chill in the early spring air nips at Orochimaru's skin, reminding him he's alive as he walks the path he walked a million times in his youth.

A million blossoms weigh down the branches of the trees along the path, catching the sunlight and tinting it pink. A dozen or so little birds twitter cheerily, flitting between the trees without a care in the world.

(It always struck him as odd, that something so beautiful would exist in a graveyard.)

Why he decided to come here, he isn't really sure. There's a knot in his stomach, and a tension in his body that are telling him he should turn away now. But he presses on, as stubborn as he's always been.

Yes, he remembers this path well. He could find his destination with his eyes closed, if he had to.

"...Oh?"

Orochimaru fully expected his parents' graves to be in awful shape when he arrived. Overgrown, dirty, abandoned- he hasn't tended to them in twenty years, after all. But rather than that, he finds two neatly tended gravestones, with twin wreaths of white lilies resting on top.

He frowns, but tries not to dwell on it too much. Instead, he kneels in front of them, just as he'd done countless times before. Though it's been so very long since he's come here, he feels as though he's never missed a day.

"...I'm back," he says, as casually as if he were joining his parents for lunch, rather than standing on top of where what surely must only be bones beneath his feet.

(Of course, the gravestones don't speak back to him.)

Where once an overwhelming despair had gripped him, he only feels numb- the open wound had long ago scarred over.

He's silent for a few moments, staring at his parents' names. Unsure what he should say- or if he should say anything at all.

"...I'm sorry," he finally says, the apology sounding strange to his ears. "I've been a rotten excuse for a son."

A flat, joyless smile graces his face, briefly.

"You'd be ashamed if you knew what a mess I've made. I'm sure you never dreamed in your worst nightmares I'd turn out the way I did."

"-I'm sure they understand."

Orochimaru is on his feet, and his heart is in his throat- he'd been too absorbed in his own world to hear the unannounced visitor.

Naruto holds his hands up in apology, grinning at him.

"I didn't mean to startle you _dattebayo."_

The boy is pretty obviously hungover, but seems happy nonetheless. Orochimaru takes a breath to soothe his nerves.

"Hinata and I are visiting my mom and dad, and Neji" he explains, before Orochimaru can ask. "You looked sad, so I figured I'd come talk to ya."

Orochimaru raises an eyebrow. Naruto catches that question, as well.

"Shadow clone- I'm still with her."

Ah. That explains it.

Orochimaru turns his back to the boy, miffed at this invasion of his privacy. But, as stubborn as ever, the clone-Naruto stays with him.

"I didn't know what sort of flowers you usually brought them, so I took a guess."

Orochimaru makes the slightest sound of acknowledgement.

"Roses," he answers. "The purple ones you get at the Yamanaka shop."

"I'll remember that next time."

Naruto scratches his head, shifting awkwardly from one foot to another.

"You still miss them, right?" he asks.

"Of course I do." Though he didn't intend to, Orochimaru sounds offended.

"I miss mine, too."

Even without looking, he can feel the sadness in Naruto's voice.

"There's so much I wanna tell my dad," he continues, as if he doesn't care whether or not Orochimaru is even listening. "I wanted him and my mom to see me graduate- I wanted them to see me finish my first mission. To tell me how proud they are of what I've done. I-I wanted them to be at my wedding, and to hold their grandkids _dattebayo._ But I don't get to have any of that...I feel like I was robbed."

Orochimaru shuts his eyes, willing those emotions to not resurface.

"You get it, right? It's the loneliest feeling in the world... "

Naruto's words press on his psyche like fingers on a bruise.

"...Jiraiya said he thought you did everything you did because you're trying to forget it."

"Did he now?" The words escape Orochimaru in a low hiss.

(He feels his temper rising, though he isn't sure why.)

"Yeah. Jiraiya always said that when people are angry, they aren't ever just angry. They're angry because they're scared, or sad, or frustrated, but they don't know how to show it, so they keep it bottled up until it turns into anger."

Naruto fidgets uncomfortably.

"He told me you didn't ever wanna talk about how you felt, because you didn't think anyone would understand- so you got angry. Was he wrong?"

Orochimaru mulls the boy's words over in his mind.

"...If Jiraiya could write half as well as he talked, I would've enjoyed his books a lot more," he finally answers.

Naruto snorts, in spite of himself.

"Yeah, he was a pretty bad writer."

"Jiraiya was bad at a lot of things."

"He always did his best, though."

Nostalgia colors Naruto's voice.

"He never gave up on anything. No matter how many times he screwed up. That was the best part about him."

A knife pierces Orochimaru's heart, and sadness replaces his anger.

"He would've gone through a world's less heartache if he were a bit less bullheaded."

"Maybe, yeah. But there's a lot of stuff he would've missed out on, too."

Orochimaru finally turns around to face the boy properly.

The last time Orochimaru saw Naruto look so serious, he'd been threatening to kill him.

"...He still hoped you'd come home someday. He never gave up that dream."

Orochimaru raises an eyebrow.

"Did you think I gave you that pardon just for shits n' giggles _dattebayo?_ I didn't do it for _you,_ stupid."

Naruto punches Orochimaru's shoulder, half-playfully.

"We're gonna have to sit down sometime," he says. "We've got a lot to talk about."

Before Orochimaru can ask what, exactly he wants to talk about, the clone Naruto vanishes in a puff of smoke.

"...Well then."

He turns back toward his parents' graves, shaking his head.

"That boy is a puzzle to me."

 

* * *

 

Pain assaults Tsunade's head the moment she comes to consciousness. She moans and pulls the covers over her head, making the same vow to never drink again that she always made when the hangover hit.

Last night is fuzzy- she must've really gotten hammered.

Then, the embarrassment hits.

" _C'mon, Maru! I thought you liked me!"_

Fuck. She'd been hanging off Orochimaru like some sleazy callgirl all night. She'd tried to kiss him. She'd knocked him over and wound up on top of him and had practically been grinding against him, whining like a spurned schoolgirl when he'd told her no.

(Why did he say no? And more importantly- why does that upset her?)

And still, despite the undoubted humiliation, Orochimaru did, eventually, kiss her. He'd cradled her face so gently, kissing her like that kiss would save his life. Touching her like she was something precious, a once-in-a-lifetime treasure.

(The way only Dan had touched her before.)

She gathers the courage to poke her head out from under the covers; Orochimaru had been courteous enough to draw the curtains for her. A couple white tablets and a glass of water sit by her bedside, a little scrap of paper resting on the glass.

_Just like old times,_ the paper says, with a little heart drawn beside it.

(Orochimaru's handwriting is as immaculate as ever.)

In what surely must be a startling act of trust, Tsunade swallows the tablets without hesitation. They're hard to swallow and taste like chalk, but the effect on her headache is almost immediate.

While the pain subsides, she lays in bed to contemplate what she should do now.

She should probably talk to Orochimaru about what happened last night. But that'll be hard when she's not even sure about her own emotions.

Still...she owes him that much, doesn't she? It's the least she could do after making such an ass out of herself.

She drags herself out of bed, shaking the fog off her brain with a hot shower. She hastily dresses herself, and shoves some food down her throat on her way out the door to find Orochimaru.

He shouldn't be too hard to find- Tsunade already has a pretty good idea where he might be.

 


	18. Sarutobi-Sensei

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I originally fucked up and posted the chapters out of order! My bad!  
> Anyway, just feels in this chapter. Have fun!

**~oOo~**

"I think we should stop here for the night, don't you guys?"

Tsunade and Jiraiya make tired sounds of approval at Sarutobi's suggestion. Orochimaru doesn't join them, but quietly scouts out a place for them to make camp. He finds a suitable place, hidden in thick foliage, and motions the other three over to him.

It's a chilly night, so, despite the risks, Jiraiya builds a small fire. Tsunade sweeps the perimeter to make sure they're safe, while Orochimaru huddles close to the flames, desperate to get warm.

"Well, let's get a good night's rest, everyone!" Sarutobi says, brightly. "We've got a long day ahead of us tomorrow."

"You still haven't told us where we're going," Tsunade reminds him, taking a seat beside Orochimaru. "You promised you'd tell us once we were away from the village."

"Yeah yeah! You haven't come with us on a mission in forever! What's going on?!" Jiraiya demands.

"Alright, alright."

Sarutobi beams at the three of them, leaning in like he's letting them in on some great secret.

"The four of us are going to the Land of Iron for a Kage Summit. With a bit of luck, the war will be over when it's done."

"No way!"

Jiraiya's eyes are wide as saucers; a grin spreads across Tsunade's face, so wide it might burst.

"Well, it's not a done deal yet," Sarutobi admits. "But I've got Danzo going ahead of us with Koharu, Homura and Kagami, and I have faith that they'll be able to get matters settled; all that'll be left when we get there are the formalities."

"Alright!"

Jiraiya and Tsunade leap to their feet, punching the air in unison, and laughing for joy.

Orochimaru stares into the flickering fire, and does nothing.

Jiraiya and Tsunade wander off, chattering about stuff Orochimaru doesn't hear. He wishes Sarutobi would go with them, but he remains by the fire with him.

"Is something wrong?"

Orochimaru ignores him.

Hiruzen sighs, scooting around to sit beside him.

"I thought you'd be happy."

Orochimaru hugs his knees against his chest.

"...I don't know if I remember how to be happy."

Sarutobi lifts an arm, like he wants to wrap it around the boy, but merely lets it hover for awhile, before lowering it again.

"Things are going to get better from now on," he assures him. "I promise."

Orochimaru glares at him.

"You and I both know how little _your_ promises mean, Sarutobi-sensei."

Hiruzen doesn't get the chance to rebut.

"Yo, Maru!" Jiraiya yells. "I found some weird lookin' berry things! You think we can eat the-OW!"

Orochimaru jumps up, and rushes to his friend.

A small, green snake has latched onto Jiraiya's hand, angry at being disturbed. Orochimaru pries the snake's jaws off, examining it while Jiraiya panics.

"Am I gonna die?! Did it just poison me?!"

"Unlikely," Orochimaru replies, looking over the little serpent hissing in his hands.

"H-how are you so sure?!"

"Snakes are venomous, not poisonous," Orochimaru says, flatly. "And this one isn't venomous. Look-"

He flips the agitated creature over.

"The scales on its belly are in two rows- most venomous snakes only have one. And its pupils are round, and look- so's its head. Its teeth aren't the kind that inject venom, either. This guy isn't dangerous. Just mad you reached your hand into his house."

Orochimaru kneels down, and releases the snake back onto the forest floor. It darts into the bushes, with a miffed flick of its tail.

"Those berries are poisonous, by the way," he says, turning to get back to the fire. "If you eat them you're gonna have a bad night."

Jiraiya mutters some choice insults under his breath; Tsunade represses giggles while she treats the small injury.

"What's even the difference anyway?" Jiraiya demands.

"If you bite it and you die, it's poisonous," Orochimaru answers. "If it bites _you_ and you die, it's venomous."

Jiraiya's face fixes itself in an unflattering expression while he processes his teammate's words.

"...Oh."

"Look, just don't eat anything weird," Tsunade admonishes him. "Let's get to the summit alive, yeah?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Jiraiya grumbles, making a rude hand gesture at her.

* * *

Jiraiya and Tsunade have both fallen asleep, but Orochimaru can't quiet his mind enough to rest. He feeds the fire little sticks and bits of brush to keep it going, gathering whatever warmth he can. Sarutobi is awake as well, but he doesn't break the silence between them.

It's Orochimaru who finally decides to speak.

"...What happens when the war is over?"

Sarutobi jumps from surprise at Orochimaru finally speaking.

"Oh- well, there's a lot of things that need to be done. We need to reestablish trade, repair relations- there's a lot of rebuilding that needs doing- we'll certainly have plenty to keep us busy."

Orochimaru prods the fire with a fallen tree branch.

"And what about when the next war comes?"

"Next-?"

"There's always gonna be a next one. And one after that. And one after that. What then, Sarutobi-sensei?"

Sarutobi frowns at the boy.

"We fight," he answers, finally. "We protect our village- our country. Like we've always done."

"Ah, yes. Using that 'Will of Fire' you've drilled into our heads, right, Sensei?"

"...That's right."

Orochimaru lifts the branch up, to show Hiruzen the flames that have spread to it.

The fire dances in his gold eyes, casting his white face in an eerie, reddish glow.

"The funny thing about fire," Orochimaru says, "is that for it to live, something else has to burn."

The boy reaches out, as if hypnotized by the flickering flame, and closes his hand around it. Something hisses, and neither is sure if it's the dying breath of the flame, or Orochimaru's flesh.

Sarutobi reflexively grabs Orochimaru's burned hand, mouth agape in shock.

"What's gotten into you?!"

"You mean besides a couple old men's dicks?" Orochimaru retorts, stunning the man into silence.

Orochimaru lays down in front of the low fire.

"...I'm tired, Sarutobi-sensei."

"You should sleep."

"-Not that sort of tired."

Sarutobi's frown shows his confusion, but he doesn't ask exactly what sort of tired his student is talking about.

Orochimaru curls in on himself, his gold eyes staring flatly, some point off in the distance.

"...Things will be better from now on, Orochimaru. You have to believe that."

Orochimaru closes his eyes, drawing a great, shuddering breath.

"...I want to, Sarutobi-sensei."

**~oOo~**

Orochimaru wonders, somewhere in the back of his mind, if finding comfort walking through a graveyard makes him odd.

(In all honesty, probably not- there are plenty of things that make him odd besides that.)

Out of the corner of his eye, he spots a huge granite memorial, branded with the Uchiha crest; stopping mid-step, he turns his head.

Along either side of the crest is a row of names- each and every Uchiha who died that ugly night so many years ago.

At the bottom, hacked into the stone in a jagged sort of way, is _Itachi._

Added by Sasuke, no doubt- his hand must've been shaking quite badly when he did it, judging by how sloppily it's cut into the stone.

(He can picture the boy in his mind's eye- wanting desperately to cry, but not allowing himself the tears. Trying so desperately to be strong, as he gives this last small tribute to his beloved older brother.)

A twinge of sadness tugs at Orochimaru's heart, at the unfairness of it all.

Because, truly, this world is so terribly unfair.

Of course, Orochimaru knows _that_ better than most.

* * *

As it turns out, Tsunade's little hunch about Orochimaru's whereabouts was correct.

She can only see the back of his head, but Tsunade can imagine what sort of expression is on his face, as he stands in front of Sarutobi's grave.

She doesn't say a word. She doesn't need to- Orochimaru already knows she's there with him.

"It's funny, the things you remember about a person after they're gone," he says, his voice far too light and casual for the somber setting. "Things you don't think should be important enough to remember are sometimes the most prominent in your mind."

"What are you thinking of?" Tsunade asks.

Do you remember the day I made jounin?"

"-Sarutobi-sensei wouldn't shut up about how proud of you he was." Tsunade nods in agreement. "He took the three of us out for ice cream to celebrate."

"It would've been perfect. Only, there was one little problem. I'd-"

"-Always hated ice cream."

They accidentally finish the sentence together, and share a small laugh.

"I would've thought he would've remembered that about me after all those years."

He bows his head, and falls silent for awhile.

"...I don't regret it."

"Regret what?"

"Killing him."

Tsunade frowns.

"If you're expecting me to cry, to say I'm so sorry that he's dead, that I wish I could go back and change what I did-you're going to be sorely disappointed. I've got a million regrets in life- killing the old man isn't one of them."

Tsunade sighs.

"-I didn't expect you to regret it."

It's Orochimaru's turn to sigh.

"Did you cry when you found out he died?" he asks- Tsunade isn't sure why he'd ask her such a thing.

"...No," Tsunade admits.

Orochimaru turns around, surprise written in the crease of his brow.

"Why not?"

Tsunade shrugs.

"I told you- my head's fucked up. I didn't know _how_ to feel."

Orochimaru scowls.

"I know how _I_ felt."

His hands curl into tight fists, teeth grinding together.

"I'd do it again. I'd kill him a thousand more times, and it'd never come close to expressing just how much I _hate_ him."

"Hate isn't something you can ever satisfy," Tsunade says, softly.

"You think I don't know that?" Orochimaru growls.

"But what good does hating do?"

"I can't just fucking wish it away!"

Tsunade can _hear_ his teeth grinding together, fingernails drawing blood as they dig into his palms.

"Naruto may be able to forgive and forget what he's had to endure- I can't let it go so easily."

He sighs, wearily, running a hand through his hair, dragging a trail of blood behind it.

"I'm not like him- I'm not that strong."

"...I don't expect you to let it go," Tsunade murmurs, after a painful pause.

She reaches out to wipe away the blood on his forehead.

"I won't ask you to stop being angry. That's not my place."

Orochimaru plucks her hand from his head. His eyes wander over it, examining the myriad little scars that litter it. Then, almost mechanically, he presses his lips against her palm.

(He looks so sad.)

"Are you alright after last night? You got pretty drunk."

(His tone makes him seem pretty desperate to change the subject.)

Tsunade feels her cheeks grow hot.

"I'm fine," she grumbles.

"I'm glad to hear it."

"Hey, about me being a dipshit-"

"It's alright, Tsunade. You were drunk- I don't hold any of it against you."

"Maru-"

Tsunade leans toward him, breath hitching in her throat. Her hand wanders to the back of his neck, fingers tangling in his hair.

"Tsunade?"

"...I like it when you kiss me. Whether I'm drunk or not."

It's Orochimaru's turn to turn red; the color is so lovely against his white skin.

His arms wrap around her waist, pulling her in closer. He presses his forehead against hers, with a soft sigh.

"Even after everything?" He asks.

(They're so close, she can feel his breath as he speaks.)

"...Yeah," she replies.

It's madness. Absolute madness. Here, holding her, is the man who'd lied so much. Who'd killed their Sensei, who'd once tried to kill _her._ Holding her so carefully, kissing her so passionately.

And she _likes_ it.

She might wonder if something is wrong with her, or what Sarutobi-sensei might think about them kissing in front of his grave. But at this moment, she doesn't particularly care.

(Damn, if she'd known he could kiss like that, she might've asked him out herself- social norms be damned.)

Orochimaru smiles at her, one sharp tooth poking out in a way Tsunade finds absolutely adorable.

"Would you like to get some coffee with me?" He asks her.

"Yeah. Coffee sounds good," Tsunade agrees.

 


	19. The Kage Summit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is vile. So vile. I'm sorry guys. 
> 
> Like, yeah- this is where the 'underage' warning really comes in- Oro is like, 14/15 while this is going on. So uh- proceed with caution.

 

 

 

**~oOo~**

Tsunade catches Orochimaru's hesitation at the archway to the grand room where the Kage summit is to take place. She takes hold of his hand and smiles at him.

"It's gonna be alright," she assures him, urging him forward. "Trust me."

Orochimaru nods, though he doesn't quite believe it.

(Sensei has a tight, forced smile on his face, like he doesn't believe her either.)

"This place is huge!" Jiraiya proclaims, gray eyes wide with wonder, throwing his arms out and spinning once on the floor. "I never knew you could even _make_ a room this big!"

"Sandaime-sama!"

Kagami waves them down, standing beside Shimura and the others.

He's smiling- a smile looks so odd, so out of place on those handsome features. He's thinner than he used to be, tired, more haggard; his head of curls has lost a bit of their bounce and luster. But he smiles all the same, and that smile is so bright it seems to illuminate the area around him.

(Orochimaru wonders if it's the first time he's smiled since Tobirama died.)

"It's exciting, isn't it?" Kagami says brightly. "Nidaime-sama would have been very happy to see this day come."

It doesn't seem as though his optimism is shared by the others. Koharu's brow is creased with worry, Homura can't seem to stop fidgeting, and Danzo is as grim-faced as ever.

Sarutobi puts on his best facade.

"Let's make today a good one then, to make sure his sacrifice is worthwhile!"

"Yeah! We'll make Tobi-oji proud of us!" Tsunade chirps.

"Alright, everyone! Smile big!"

Orochimaru blinks, turning his head to spot a man with a camera.

"C'mon, don't be a clam, kiddo! It's a big day!"

Both Jiraiya and Tsunade loop their arms around his shoulders, grinning ear-to-ear. Orochimaru feels his cheeks go warm.

(The man is right. It's a big day. He should smile.)

He forces the corners of his mouth upward, wrapping one arm around each of his friends.

A click, and a flash.

"Aw, this is a good one!" the photographer declares. "You guys are adorable!"

"Damn right!" Tsunade declares.

The photographer turns to get a picture of Sarutobi and the others; Sensei hooks an arm around Danzo, eliciting an irritated sound from the other man.

Hiruzen and Kagami are the only ones who smile for that picture.

"Maru, can you believe it?"

Tsunade beams from ear to ear, bouncing up and down and grabbing his upper arms tight enough to bruise.

"The war's gonna be over, Maru! It's gonna be over and everything's gonna be okay from now on!"

Orochimaru feels his smile waver.

"Y-yeah...everything's gonna..."

"Hey check it out! There's food!"

Jiraiya yanks them apart and drags them toward a long table overloaded with different food from each of the five great villages. When the smell hits Orochimaru's nose, his mouth water and he feels his stomach growl painfully.

"Look at this- look at that- holy shit," Jiraiya breathes. "I've never seen so much food in one place- where do you even start?!"

Orochimaru reaches for an interesting looking bread roll, and bites down. A cacophony of spices and something warm he thinks is curry floods his mouth, and his eyes go wide.

"This one's good!" he declares.

"Ooh, gimme one!"

"Me first! I'm starving!"

Tsunade and Jiraiya bite into their rolls at the same time, lighting up with identical expressions.

"It's amazing!"

"Oh my god where's this been all my life?!"

Jiraiya wolfs it down like he hasn't eaten in his life (and really, it's probably been awhile since he's had a real, proper meal). He and Tsunade wander further down the line, loudly arguing what they should try next. Orochimaru looks around, internally debating whether he wants something sweet or something with egg.

"Well, I'll be damned."

A towering man with a heavily-lined face and razor-sharp teeth grins at Orochimaru, and the boy can't stop the shiver that courses through him.

"Hey guys, check this kid out!"

The man turns, disappearing from view behind the massive sword strapped to his back. He waves down a few others, who quickly come to join him, each bearing a strange sword of their own.

"Doesn't he look a lot like Yashagoro?"

"Eh? I guess so- I don't think he was quite so pale, but-" one man muses.

"He's got the eyes, that's for sure," another adds.

"He's prettier than Yasha though," a third adds.

"You sure that's a he?"

"Eh? Well, I'm pretty sure-"

Orochimaru feels his cheeks turn red.

"Does it matter either way?" he asks, finally finding his voice- though he wishes it weren't quite so squeaky.

"Oh?"

The man bearing what looks to be an oversized butcher knife on his back laughs the sort of laugh that makes the hairs on the back of Orochimaru's neck stand up. The man leans down to be closer to him, and that 'smile' on his face is only a smile in the most generous sense of the word.

"You bein' a tease? Or do you want us to help you find out?" He offers.

Orochimaru catches the meaning in those words, and his heart leaps up into his throat. He feels tiny out of nowhere, all his nerves prickling in fear (though he's not entirely sure what he's so afraid of, in a room full of people) when the man unexpectedly reaches for him. A small voice in the back of his head whispers _run away,_ and Orochimaru finds himself unable to resist the command.

He takes a stumbling step backward, before turning on his heels and scampering off.

"Maru, where are you going?" he hears Tsunade call after him.

"Aw, you scared him off! Poor thing!"

He brushes past Sarutobi-sensei. Sensei says something to him (probably 'what are you doing?',) but Orochimaru can't hear him over the rush of blood in his ears. The corner of his eye catches a few of the samurai giving him worried glances, but he doesn't pay them any mind, either.

His footsteps echo off the walls of the empty corridor he throws himself into. He runs, though he's not sure exactly what it is he's running _from._

_Why am I so scared?_

Finally he stops, doubling over and trying desperately to catch his breath.

_...Am I a coward?_

_"You want us to help you find out?"_

He shudders, pressing his back against a wall and allowing himself to slide down.

Is there something wrong with him? Something he's done, to deserve _that_ sort of attention? He tucks his head between his knees, desperately wishing to banish these unwanted thoughts

He's not sure how long he stays like this, but eventually Tsunade comes looking for him.

"What's wrong?"

She kneels down to his level, and touches his shoulder gently.

"You okay, Maru?"

Orochimaru fumbles in his mind for an answer.

"I uh- it's uh-"

He whines.

"It's a lot of people," he lies. "I uh- I just- I need space. That's all."

Tsunade frowns.

"Poor Maru," she declares mournfully, hugging him close. "You're okay. It's gonna be okay. Got it?"

Tsunade releases him from the hug, and shifts to sit beside him.

"I'll stick with ya til you feel good enough to go back, alright?"

Orochimaru's heart flutters.

"...Thank you," he mumbles, feelings his cheeks grow hot once more.

"Eh, it's nothin'. Sarutobi-sensei is busy talking to people and Jiraiya's busy stuffing his face. I've got nothing better to do!"

Orochimaru leans against her.

"Hey, what happened to your hand?"

"Huh?"

Tsunade examines the angry red flesh, frowning at it, then at Orochimaru.

"I uh- I had an accident with the fire last night. It's nothing, really."

Tsunade doesn't look like she really believes it, but she accepts the lie nonetheless. She lets healing chakra pour into the wound, and Orochimaru watches it fade.

"...Thank you."

"Yeah. What're friends for?"

(It'll take Orochimaru awhile longer yet to understand what the butterflies in his stomach mean.)

* * *

The air outside the inn is bitter cold and bites Orochimaru's skin, but he's glad- he doesn't want to fall asleep anytime soon, even if he's tired.

Tsunade, Jiraiya and Sensei have retired to bed long ago, leaving Orochimaru alone with unwanted thoughts kicking around in his head.

He's alone. Or so he thought.

"Can't sleep, pretty?"

The Mist village man with the lined face and sharp teeth approaches out of his peripheral vision, still wearing that same expression- not a smile. Not even close- it's the look a predator wears when pursuing its prey.

Orochimaru makes a point of not saying anyway, turning his head to look at the milky light of the full moon overhead.

"It's a lot like you, yeah?" the man remarks. "So beautiful and inviting, but nobody can get close to ya."

Orochimaru bites his bottom lip.

"-What makes you say that?" he dares to ask.

"Cause you're cold."

Orochimaru crosses his arms. The man grows bolder, stepping toward him. The frozen grass crunches under his feet, amplified by the utter silence between them as he walks forward.

"Pretty types like you always are."

The man brushes calloused fingers up his arm, drawing goosebumps in their wake.

"Don't pretend you know me," Orochimaru hisses, drawing away from him.

A chuckle.

"Don't be like that, Pretty. I don't bite- unless you want me to."

The man is behind him now. Those wandering fingers become greedy, running themselves through his hair.

"So shiny," he remarks. "And so soft. Just like a girl, huh?"

"Don't touch me-"

(Damn it, he doesn't want to sound _afraid!)_

"You don't gotta be like that. I can show ya a real nice time, if you wanna."

Orochimaru whirls away, facing that horrid old man and that horrible, predatory grin of his, kunai clutched in his unburned hand.

"C'mon, kid. You don't gotta get prickly with me. Y'know- maybe we could help each other out."

"...What do you mean?"

"Well, everyone wants to know where they come from, right? Didn't ya ever wonder who your family was? You look like the type to be curious."

This man looks at Orochimaru the way a cat looks at a mouse.

"I heard from your precious Sandaime. You really are his- it's funny, I'd never even heard he _had_ any kids, and here I find out he'd had a daughter he'd never bothered to tell any of his old friends about."

Orochimaru eyes the man suspiciously, but, gingerly, he lowers his kunai. The man takes this as an invitation to approach him again, taking one of Orochimaru's small hands in his crooked, calloused one.

"There's a good boy. Why don't you spend the night with me? We can have a good time together, and I'll tell you anything you wanna know about ol' Yashagoro. Does that sound good, Pretty?"

For all Orochimaru knows, this man is lying through his teeth. For all he knows, this man doesn't know the first thing about Yashagoro, or where he'd come from.

And yet- the possibility of knowing- _really_ knowing- where he'd come from tugs at his mind's shirtsleeve. The vague possibility of learning about the family he'd never really known-

When the man touches him again, despite every muscle in his body demanding he pull away- he doesn't. When the man presses hungry, chapped lips to the place where his neck meets his collarbone, he doesn't resist.

_I'm awful,_ he thinks.

(And he really believes it. He's horrible. Despicable. Dirty, filthy _awful_ to even consider this.

But really, he knew that already.)

"We're gonna have so much fun," the man breathes.

* * *

"Ah-"

Orochimaru's arms and thighs tremble; he clamps a hand over his mouth to muffle the desperate noises trying to slip out of his mouth.

(It feels good. _So_ good. It shouldn't feel good. Why does it feel good?)

He feels the man's sharp teeth as they graze across his neck, drawing another shiver from him. He buries his face in the futon to silence himself.

"Poor thing- worried about getting caught?"

The man digs blunt fingernails into Orochimaru's side, eliciting a small wail of pain.

"Y'know," he chuckles, running a hand along the shallow wounds he's created, "from behind, it really _is_ like doin' a girl."

He tugs Orochimaru's hips further in the air, quickening his pace and drawing a strangled moan from the boy beneath him.

"Yeah, you really could just be a pretty girl, if it weren't for this right here-"

Orochimaru whimpers when one of the man's rough hands grabs the proof of his masculinity, toying with it in short, brusque strokes.

_Why am I letting him-_

_-Because I have to know._

A strange pressure builds up in his belly; confusion builds up in his mind. _I might throw up-_

"Heh. So close already?"

"What-"

The rest of his question is lost in a groan, and flashes of white in his vision. The man grunts and pants like a dog in heat, before finally going rigid and still above him.

Gross. He feels gross. _This_ is gross.

(So why go along with it?)

The man grazes his teeth along his lower back, pressing his soiled hand against Orochimaru's belly.

"Wish I could mark you up. Let you walk back into your village letting everyone know about the good time we had."

Orochimaru snarls.

"Heh. Feisty little thing, aren't you?"

"Would you shut up already?"

Orochimaru draws away from him, covering his shame with the blanket.

(Yes, he's ashamed. So very ashamed. Disgusted with himself for falling so low.)

"I gave you what you wanted, now give me what _I_ want."

His gold eyes narrow; his voice becomes steady.

"Tell me about my grandfather."

**~oOo~**

 


	20. Proud of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kabuto is a good daddy, and Orochimaru is a proud grandma :) Also, Manda is a very cranky snek.

**~oOo~**

The early morning air is crisp and cold, nipping at the tip of Orochimaru’s nose and cheeks. He looks around briefly, making sure he hasn’t been followed- then he heads deeper into the forest. He clutches at the handle of his bag, relentlessly carrying himself forward.

The Mist village man’s words swim through his mind, tossed about like ships in a storm.

_ “Yasha was a scary guy, alright- I don’t think you’d have found anyone in the whole Land of Water who’d fuck with him.” _

His heart is racing in his chest, his body trembling in anticipation.

_ “-He’d said there used to be a whole clan of people like him back in the day- a clan of people almost as big as the Senju or the Uchiha, even. ‘Course, most all of them were gone long before Yashagoro even came around. I’d say you’re probably the only one left.” _

(Clan. He’d had a clan. He’d belonged to a clan.)

_ “Where did they all go?” _

_ “Y’know, he never figured that out, himself. He didn’t even remember what their name was.” _

(Knowing he could’ve had a clan, could’ve had a family name, makes Orochimaru more angry than he’d ever admit.)

Orochimaru arrives in a clearing; by now, the sun is half-risen, casting a reddish glow through the autumn leaves. He slings his bag over his shoulder and drops it to the ground.

_ “Yasha was the first person in a long time- or so I’ve heard- who could summon the great serpent Manda. He’s the sort of guy who’d have men killing themselves on the battlefield so they wouldn’t have to fight ‘im.” _

Orochimaru pulls a scroll, brush and a bottle of ink from his bag. He unfurls the scroll on the ground, and uncorks the bottle.

Carefully, painstakingly, he copies the intricate symbol on the scroll onto his left arm. His heart hammers against his ribs, his mind racing with the thousands of reasons what he’s doing is a bad idea.

_ “That thing won’t let just anyone summon him. Rumor has it he’ll eat anyone who tries that he doesn't like.” _

Beyond the distinct possibility of being eaten alive by a giant snake- if Sensei ever finds out he’s stolen this scroll from the restricted part of the library, he’s sure he’ll get more than just a stern talking-to.

(But he’s gonna try it anyway.)

He brings a hand up to his mouth, hesitating for the briefest moment. Then, he bites down  _ hard  _ with one of his wickedly sharp fangs. He holds his wounded hand over his left arm, allowing the blood to drip over the symbol he’s drawn.

Before he can allow himself to doubt, he forms the hand seals he’d practiced until he knew them by heart.

_ Boar- dog- bird- monkey- ram- _

He slams both hands onto the forest floor.

- _ Summoning jutsu! _

A deafening noise, and suddenly Orochimaru is choking on blinding clouds of dust and smoke.

When the smoke clears, he lets out a startled squeak, realizing he’s suddenly far too high up for his liking. When he looks down, all he can see is an endless expanse of writhing purple scales.

“Fifteen years.”

Orochimaru leaps about a meter in the air- that booming, menacing voice very nearly deafens him.

“Fifteen years since anyone’s had the guts to summon me.”

Orochimaru tries to speak, but can only manage a weak croak.

“Well?”

The great serpent’s tail whips upward, wrapping itself around Orochimaru, hoisting him in the air and whipping him around.

All the breath in Orochimaru’s lungs leaves in a rush, when he’s suddenly under the gaze of one enormous eye, piercingly green and as tall as three of him stacked on top of each other.

“Is this a joke?” Manda grumbles, slit pupil contracting, his giant body going tense. “You’re just a hatchling. A pathetic little brat.”

Orochimaru swallows thickly, cursing his dry throat, his inability to speak. That menacing eye surveys him with a detached indifference.

“Feh,” Manda spits. “It’s bad enough Yashagoro spawned- but Kiyohime felt the need, too? I thought she was above menial things like children.”

Orochimaru wants to ask what that means, but he’s still mute, still paralyzed.

(His arms are trapped. He’s completely helpless- like prey.)

“Do you speak, brat?” 

When Orochimaru doesn't answer, Manda shakes him roughly, squeezing him the tiniest fraction tighter.

“Well? Did Kiyohime bother naming you?”

Orochimaru chokes. Then, weakly, he finally forces words out.

“...O-Orochimaru. M-my name is Orochimaru.”

“Is that so?”

The words come out as a soft hiss that makes the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

“She had nerve, naming you after my predecessor.”

“-You mean it was real?”

(The boy still had enough presence of mind to be surprised that the myths of the Orochi he’d read in his early childhood are apparently true.)

“My kind roamed this planet before the first of  _ your  _ kind even lost their tails,” Manda sneers. “Don’t be so arrogant, boy.”

Orochimaru clams up from surprise.

“I’m dying to know, boy- what makes you think you have the right to just summon me as you please? Are you trying to get yourself eaten?”

After finally managing speech, Orochimaru finds his voice comes more easily.

“Because I want to make a contract with you!”

He finds the courage to stare right back into that emerald eye.

“Make a contract with me, like you did with my grandfather and my mother!”

“And why should I do that?”  Manda demands. “You’re a child. A scrawny, weak, pathetic child. Hardly worth the effort.”

“I still managed to summon you, didn’t I?!”

Orochimaru manages to finagle one of his arms free, and slams a fist down on one of Manda’s scales.

“I summoned you! That means you should do what I say! That’s what a summon is supposed to do!”

(It’s the epitome of madness to declare this, dangling dozens of meters off the ground in the clutches of a behemoth, but Orochimaru takes his chances.)

Manda’s great green eye narrows dangerously, his cavernous maw opening to reveal rows of wicked fangs, each larger than Orochimaru.

“You have some nerve, brat!”

However- rather than tossing Orochimaru into his mouth, Manda instead places Orochimaru rather carelessly on the ground.

“Huh-”

“...Fine.”

Orochimaru blinks. Then, a white-hot, blinding, brilliant pain shoots up his arm. He drops to the ground. Blood drips from the drawings on his arm, falling in large crimson droplets to sink into the mossy forest floor. Orochimaru bites his hand to keep from screaming.

“You’ve got guts, I’ll give you that. I’ll give you a chance to prove you’re worth my time. If you know what’s good for you, you won’t disappoint me.”

Orochimaru gasps and chokes on yet another cloud of hot dust and smoke. He curls into a tight ball, trying to wrap the arm that isn’t on fire around his nose and mouth so he can breathe.

After an eternity that’s really a few minutes, the agony starts to subside, leaving him shaking, loose-limbed and drained of all his energy.

He pulls himself onto his knees, wiping his watery eyes so he can better examine his arm, pulling off a bandage to wipe away the blood.

The skin around the contract seal is angry and inflamed, still weeping scarlet droplets. The markings that used to be ink seem now permanently etched into his flesh- his efforts to wipe them away do nothing.

Orochimaru wraps it up tightly- he’ll keep this a secret for now.

The sun has properly risen now- he’ll be having to meet Jiraiya and Tsunade for training soon.

**~oOo~**

The clue that Orochimaru is near his destination comes with the sounds of children playing. Laughter and the clatter of toys against each other rings in his ears, infecting his soul with a sort of jealous melancholy.

(Jealous of children. What a joke.)

A little blond girl in a pink dress skirts past him, cradling a scrawny, matted black kitten in her arms. She darts toward the orphanage’s spacious courtyard, green eyes wide and full of tears. Orochimaru follows.

“I found Kurochin!” The girl cries out.

Immediately, a small crowd of children gather around her.

“Where’d she go?!” 

“She was stuck in the bushes over there! She’s got a bunch of thorns in her leg, poor baby!”

“Let’s get Papa!”

“Yeah, Papa will fix her good as ne-”

A pair of blue eyes drift up and catch sight of Orochimaru- four other pairs follow. A quite uncomfortable silence follows.

“...Are you our grandma?” 

Orochimaru blinks.

“...Say what now?”

“You took care of Papa, right? That means you’re grandma!”

Orochimaru is pretty sure he doesn't like being called  _ anyone’s  _ grandmother. His eye twitches a bit, but he otherwise manages to keep most of his composure. The tiny bundle in he girl’s arms whines and writhes in discomfort.

“-You should get that kitten looked after,” he reminds the children.

“Y-yeah!”

A rather portly boy darts off toward the building. The rest of the children fuss over their pet with worried faces.

The boy returns with Kabuto at his heels.

“Papa, Kurochin is hurt! You gotta fix him!”

“Oh dear, that’s no good. Here, let me look at him.”

The kitten yowls in protest while Kabuto prods at him and pulls out thorns. He glances at Orochimaru, but doesn't acknowledge him yet. 

As Orochimaru expected, it’s a trivial matter for him to fix the little creature up good as new, receiving a small lick of gratitude from the kitten.

“Alright, that oughta do it!”

(There’s  _ that smile  _ again.)

The children crowd around him, each clamoring to hold the kitten.

“We knew you could do it, Papa!”

“Why don’t you guys take him inside? He’s probably hungry, and he looks like he could use a bath.”

Still spouting words of gratitude, the children do as they’re told.

Kabuto sighs, fiddling with his glasses and looking somewhere in the vague direction of “not at Orochimaru.”

“Papa, eh?”

Orochimaru has to giggle when Kabuto turns bright red.

“...They’re the ones who insisted on calling me that,” Kabuto mumbles, from behind his hand.

“I think it’s adorable.”

Kabuto sputters things that might’ve been attempts at actual words. Orochimaru laughs once more.

“So,” he says, when the younger man has finally composed himself. “You look well.”

Kabuto shrugs.

“It’s a genjutsu,” he admits. “I couldn’t- well, I’m still stuck like- well. The way I look kinda scares kids off, y’know.”

“I’d imagine.”

Kabuto scratches at the back of his neck and fidgets with his glasses again.

“Orochimaru-sama, I-”

“If you’re trying to apologize, I don’t want to hear a word of it.”

“But I-”

“-Am I in any sort of position to judge you for the things you’ve done, Kabuto? What sort of hypocrite would that make me?”

Kabuto flinches. His eyes dart around wildly.

“...Did you need something from me?” he asks, somewhat suspicious.

“I just wanted to make sure you were alright- it seems like you’re doing well for yourself.”

Orochimaru smiles- Kabuto hides his face behind his hand, trying desperately to hide those emotions he simply couldn’t suppress. 

“I’m...I’m happy like this. The kids are happy like this. They don’t..."

He shakes his head in a startlingly violent way. His body has started to tremble.

“...They’ll never have to worry about who they are, or who their family is. And I...I know I belong somewhere.”

He hugs his arms against himself, and he manages a smile that Orochimaru has no doubt is genuine.

“I don’t deserve any of this. I really don’t. But I’ve got it anyway, and I couldn’t be happier-”

“I’m glad.”

The young man breathes sharply, dark eyes going wide.

“Kabuto-”

Orochimaru hooks a finger under Kabuto’s chin, turning his head so their eyes finally meet.

“I don’t know if you heard me in the Izanami, so I figured I should tell you again-”

He tousles the stormy gray crop of Kabuto’s hair; Kabuto turns scarlet once more.

“-The way you are now- it isn’t bad, you know.”

All the air in Kabuto’s body leaves him in a rush.

“...Orochimaru-sama-”

He bows his head, squeezing himself tighter. His eyes well up alarmingly fast. The boy throws himself against Orochimaru, sobbing into his mentor’s shoulder.

“I-I don’t deserve it-”

“Shh. You’re alright, Kabuto. You’re alright. I’m proud of you.”

(Kabuto might actually bruise him from how desperately he’s clinging on.)

“Mama, Grandma made Papa cry!”

Kabuto goes rigid- Orochimaru looks up.

Anko has her arms folded; violet eyes stare him down intently, but her expression is composed and careful.

She’s let her hair grow longer now, Orochimaru notices, tied back in a messy ponytail low on her head. he’s wearing a plain blue shirt and soft black leggings that are a far cry from what she used to wear. 

“You’re such a nerd, Kabuto,” she scolds, though her tone is rather playful.

(She’s so much more composed than she’d been at Naruto’s wedding. So much more calmer and more soft-spoken.)

Kabuto shoves Orochimaru away, shooting a half-hearted glare at her.

Anko ignores this. She glances at Orochimaru, then gestures toward the orphanage with her head.

“You should come inside. We’ve got a lot to talk about.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the support and love my works are getting :D It warms my heart <3


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